I was checking out the drafts in my blog.

Came across this around 5th of January last year. It kind of sounded cool. Some of the sentences are incomplete ofcourse, especially the last. Some of you might know to whom this was for. Its title was "A Rant on You".

Is it because you're too burnt with your last relationship that you're too afraid now? Several months ago when I met you, I hit a nail on the head when I said that you were 'disillusioned' about love. Today, along with dates with a few other guys, you are still disillusioned about love. And now you said you are not chasing love for a while. All the guys you've dated were more or less jerks. Then you make an exception. Yes, your exempted me. We've seen each other for the most the past year and you've never included me in your jerk list.

Then why still afraid? If you are keen to express to me what you feel about it all, then have you considered how I feel? Sometimes I feel like shit. No, honestly. We're friends yes, no doubting that. If only as a friend, I wouldn't mind not telling me anything at all when I ask about your day or just greet. But you've already seen and known and felt, that I don't only want to be your friend. And that's jut You're afraid of being hurt? You want it easy? Then think about what it's doing to me. You've already hurt me and I'm already having it hard. But have I complained other than now? No. Hell, NO. I have never told you those. Why? Because I figure

I will do two things. I will not wait for you.

~~~

This one was on February ... it's originally entitled "Burnt Out Thoughts". A follow up for the one above.

This morning I woke up having to think about her continually ignoring me whatever it is I do. Now I am left with nothing more than having ill thoughts about her. I don't want to, but it is simply the thing that is happening. Is she doing it out of Spite? or Revenge? I was trying to read between the lines, still trying understand even when she stopped talking to me altogether. Or did she distanced herself because she honestly believes she treated me like shit? In a way, I do even though I mailed her like it was not. I stubbornly couldn't accept that she said that "she is a mess" and that I should avoid her like the plague. The thing is, I have no such intentions ... it is she who kept running away. Or maybe it is mind control o_O

Right now I believe, that no matter how you say that you are mature for your age, you simply cannot deny the fact that you are still young. That no matter how much it is you know how to fly a helicopter, if your hands couldn't reach the controls, then you'll end up falling.

I gave her a piece of my heart (or some other internal organ). Oh I can live without it ofcourse. It just you know? It calls to me when my mind is empty and in the gloom of the moment when my duties and cares have left me alone, it's there. It's simply there. Like that pile of laundry sitting in front me.

All I can do now I guess, is to do a clean up of my mind. I don't have to dwell on needlessness. With all the effort I can muster, I should, as usual, leave her alone. I have tried to meet her halfway. And in her method of resolving things by simply ignoring me so *I just might disappear*, it only makes me feel more like shit.

And in this shittier state of mind, I am letting it complete its life cycle and expect it to naturally burn itself off from my system.

~~~

It's almost like ... deja vu ...

Okay buds, here's the deal. Things to do at Bora, as suggested by rosey-poo:

- shooters @ cocomangas
- jony's fruit shakes
- parasailing (costs Php 1500)
- snorkeling (kinda boring)
- fish feeding (erhm ...)
- island hopping (back to Luzon? hehe)
- picture taking @ the grotto in front of Willy Beach Resort
- some other we can think of

and for the miscellany and stuff to talk about
- gripe about life
- gripe about women
- gripe on an absolute stranger
- gripe about work
- gripe about griping
- gripe on a topless sunbather
- other miscellaneous griping
- set each other's shorts on fire
- set each other's nose hairs on fire
- set our packs on fire
- setting whatever is flammable nearby

These are best done mayhaps with those shooters.

We also have stuff to do in Kalibo, though not sure what's to look for in there. The Ignito caves? How bout we just snort coke and throw rocks at people?

Well ok. Just being helpful =_=

I originally don't dig this stuff, but I think centuries worth of observation give these an uncanny accuracy. Though I think they're just lucky hits.

Got it here.

~~~

People born in the year of the dragon are full of vitality and strength. To them, life is a colorful leaping flame. Though assuming airs of self-importance, being prejudiced, making arbitrary decisions, and indulging in some of the wildest fantasies, these people are always adored. They are proud, aloof and frank. They establish lofty ideals at an early age, and require others to have same ideals.

In China the dragon symbolizes an emperor and power. It is said that people born in the year of the dragon are powerful. A child born in this year enjoys shouldering heavy loads, even if he is the youngest one in the family, while an older child born in this year often shoulders the responsibility of bringing up his brothers or sisters.
>> add my Capricorn personality and I should be some sort of rock star or celebrity or something. Hell >_<

Persons born in the year of the dragon are quite energetic, and their anxiety, yearning, and enthusiasm can be almost as passionate as religious fervor, like the burning fire sprayed by a dragon in legends. They have the potential of achieving great accomplishments, and like to act boldly and resolutely, always putting on a great show as they do so. Although often successful, they are likely to be destroyed and to become self conceited or mad about power if they are unable to control their enthusiasm.
>> haven't gone mad yet.

Sometimes such a person will believe that he is greatly restricted by society, tenderness and honeyed words. When he flies into a rage, he can become extraordinarily rude and inconsiderate.

Though his emotion can be as fierce as a volcano, he does not always give himself over to blind emotions. He may act stubbornly and arbitrarily and lose his reason when he flares up. But he will forgive you afterwards and wishes to be forgiven. Sometimes he may forget to apologize. In fact he can become so busy with his work that he will have no time to explain himself. Though hot-tempered and arbitrary, he is respectful to elders. No matter what differences he may have with his family, he will offer his help resolutely and generously, leaving differences behind if his family needs his help.
>> well then, see last post

It is difficult to compete with people born in the year of the dragon, because they are strong and decisive, but not cunning. They like to win success by relying on their own strength, and they are often disgusted with those playing tricks. Due to over-confidence and often misled by illusions, persons of this sort are slow to react to surrounding conspiracies and upcoming dangers, and usually cannot effect countermeasures in time. They are too proud to ask others for help, and will not withdraw even when there is great disparity in strength. They are frank, and never tell a lie.
>> Oh! Dear lie!

A person born in the year of the dragon has clear objectives in life, never idling about. He must have a cause to strive for, an objective to be realized, and the opportunity to make mistakes. Without ambitious plans, and the ability to pull his forces together to start afresh after failure, he is like a train that cannot run because of a shortage of fuel.
>> Runaway train never going back ... wrong way on a one way track ...

Though people born in the year of the dragon have many shortcomings, their radiance lights up everyone. They are magnanimous, and never envy others.
>> I'm all about power baby

Such a person finds pleasure in helping others, and you can always count on their help. They are extroverts who have a deep love for nature, and such a person may become a great travel buff, a good talker, or a sportsman.
>> not sure if I developed the extrovert part quite fully

The weather at the time a person is born in the year of the dragon affects their later life. If born in stormy weather, such a person will lead a stormy life, which is full of risks, and experience hardships and dangers; if born on a day of gentle breezes and calm waves, such a person will be protected throughout his life and will have a lovely temperament.
>> the weather when I was born was ... I dunno, it was raining FIREworks

A person born in the year of the dragon will either marry early or remain single. He will live a happy single life for he will be preoccupied by his work and career and will often be visited by his worshipers; therefore, he will not feel empty and lonely.
>> ah, looks like I must begin collecting my worshippers

Such a person is neither extravagant nor stingy. In other words, he will be generous and will never care about whether he has made ends meet or not.

Such a person will not keep silent for long, and will struggle to free himself from distress sooner than others will. He is happy, and opposes gentleness. Being firm and persistent, courageous and resolute, he will give the least consideration to the consequences when striving to realize his aim, and will even plunge headlong into an abyss. He sees himself as coming into this world to realize his ideals. The more you might want to make him change his route so as to get around difficulties, the more he will become stubborn. He deserves to be called a pioneer, and will live up to expectations even when in a bad mood.
>> stubborn, yeah!

Such a person is frank, and can never disguise his intentions. He does not guard his thoughts as though they were hidden in a vase to keep secret. Even if he promises not to reveal a word, he may blurt it out when he gets angry.
>> woh-key

He has true and sincere love, which comes from the depths of his heart. You can be sure of his true love.
>> well then ...

If he is rude, he will probably have a strong destruction force.
>> oh that I try hard never to come out

People focus their attentions on persons born in the year of the dragon when they are present, and handle affairs according to their thinking. Such a person can arouse everyone's fervor, while he himself does not need to be encouraged, for he is energetic enough. You will never lose faith in an honest "dragon," for he seldom wavers, and will never be terribly suspicious. He has an innate explorative spirit, and tries to succeed at one stroke.
>> yeah if I can do it in one go, why not?

Though the "dragon" makes people feel dazzled, he is not a profound thinker, and only when he is able to control the magic power described in legends can he create wonders.
>> yeap, like I said, I DON'T THINK THAT HARD

~~~

Oh my goat!

Capricorns who have risen to fame have generally done so by taking the hard route, gathering respect for their fortitude, resistance and application. Capricorns don't seek fame for fame's sake, are generally uncomfortable in the public eye, and expect to keep their private life private. Theirs is not a 'what you see is what you get' mentality and all Capricorn professionals draw clear boundaries between that made available for public appraisal and the personal self which is never given up to free and open scrutiny. Capricorns are often accused of being motivated by the acquisition of material comforts and financial security. An important keyword here is respect - Capricorns expect to be treated with respect and are sensitive to taking offence when it is lacking. For many this entails living the traditional 'respectable' lifestyle and drawing around them the material trappings of respectability. Even the lesser off Capricorn can't help but see himself as having a position to hold and may care greatly about 'what the neighbours say' to the exasperation of more liberal or free spirited partners.
>> again, the fame ...

Above all Capricorn is a conservative sign, rooted in conventional morality and bearing a great deference for history and tradition. This is not the sign of the innovator but the preserver, not the gambler but the investor, often willing to take a risk but only where it has been carefully calculated and measured by reason. Neither do Capricorns 'live for the moment' since their personality is defined by an awareness of time and the ever-present need to safeguard the future.
>> yeap yeap yeap. Me don't like to gamble.

Relationships can be the source of considerable pain unless the right circumstances are met. Capricorns have little instinctive knowledge of how to play the dating game and are too earnest with their emotions to respond to light hearted flirtation with carefree abandon. They can suffer through shyness and are seldom at ease displaying affection. Yet Capricorn is a strongly sexual sign - the goat's horn is a symbol of male virility - and their fixed emotions can cause them to remain locked in grief and disappointment if they fail to win the object of their affection. Within relationships they have a strong sense of duty and commitment. This will be highly satisfactory to some but others may perceive it as unnecessarily restrictive and oppressive. Afflicted, the sign can show a tendency towards control and jealousy.
>> yeah, beginning to realize how relationships are a pain. I put the horn in horny? Oh dear ...

~~~

Woot!

To you my dear beloved brother,

You can no longer depend on me. Stand up on your two feet you stupid man. I have given so much already to our family that I left none for me, most of them going to you.

I am calling the shots now. I have my own life to live.

Yours truly,
Your beloved Elder Brother

~~~

To You,

Don't mind a fool like me. You just be happy. I'm absolutely sure it's now on your way.

Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore nor see what's up with you in your realm. This is for my sake.

Always,
Nephilim

~~~

To Me,

Take it like a man, stupid. Now that your mind is no longer splintered, put your fists down and go back to the benches. Enjoy Bora. You deserve it even after a losing fight.

You have more fights to conquer boy. Remember that I'll always be by your side. You don't need anyone else.

Regards,
Me

Going home early ~_~

Just going to charge this day as half day. Tomorrow will be good for something. Eegh.

After writing things like the last post, I felt like I just gave birth (whatever that feels).

You don't know what came out, but you look at it like it's the most beautiful thing in the world.

I looked at the night sky and counted five shooting stars.

With the last shooting star leaving a bright, beautiful blaze before it was swallowed by the sleeping expanse of constellations.

I said to myself, "Yeah, I can die this way".

'Sai was beside me, and claimed she heard me say that. I was more like saying that to myself. Yeah, what if I did die? I can't claim I have completed my life. It's a curse that I cannot remember much what has happened to me a year ago, or the feeling that came with it except for a few certain situations to know if I am ready to leave this world. But then again, a million lives have already been lost before they can even have a chance to live.

I'm lucky by a million miles then.

Then again, a person could be careless and just waste it all away just like that. Just like those shooting stars.

I've looked back at the night sky if I can see anymore shooting stars. I didn't made any wishes. I have one, but I didn't wish for it. And there I was given five chances.

Oh you know what it is don't you?

Before all this, I drank and sang all day. I played my guitar all day until my fingers were hurt. Oh, my eyes were spinning in their sockets still. And the hangover made my head ache like a freight train. So I sang it all away.

Singing lets me forget things. Forget that whatever awkwardness I have spawned in you would just go away. But that's never the way is it? I'm so clumsy.

I just wanted to know what makes you tic. What makes you happy, or what makes you sad. I wanted to see what makes you angry, or what pleases you. I wanted to know your why's and why-not's. I wanted to know what makes you smile and what gives you that puzzling look on your face. I wanted to know what sort of people you have always around you. I wanted to know all this and more without writing it in a piece of paper and having to review it. I wanted to know you in a way that I can just feel it without being intrusive or invasive.

But this vast expanse of night felt like nothingness and meaninglessness combined. You were ... distancing yourself were you not? It kills me you know. I'm not exactly sure why or, if it's something being done for the best of reasons, but it's killing me.

And you know what's worse than that? It's because I can't just let it die.

It blazes still. Despite everything I've known, and I mean despite everything so far, it's still there eating me up. What does that make it then, this thing?

And you know what's even worse than that? It's me saying these things only here and not when it counts the most -- to you, in front of you. And also risking saying this and making what's now is bad, will become worse. I can't bear adding melodrama in a life already full of needless sorrow and this is where I can let it all out without reverting to being obnoxious or silly and finding out it's not as serious as it all seems. Yet I can't also bear otherwise.

Or I may be mistaken about this wall I see. Maybe. But it's so much like the thing I did many times before to the people who held me precious. And that I did for the most ruthless of reasons.

Right now, I am without those nonsense personas. Right now I am just me, just one soul. That person whom if you cut, will bleed. That if you say a funny joke, will laugh. That person who found someone like you amidst this chaotic life, will fall ...

God, I am so boring. Boring and in pain. Boring and in pain and is lacking sleep.

I should've wished on that last shooting star. It was really pretty.

I am more interested in a health topic, but since I couldn't find that Dangers of Soy in my e-mail inbox, I'll just have to make do with part 2 of Bad Relationships.

I wouldn't want to use brain power on this one, so let me just paste this from a certain site. Also, I refrain from giving advices nowadays. So expect me to ask you questions which make you advice for yourself.

~~~

He's Just Not Into You

1. He never makes plans in advance
If he really wanted to see you, do you really think he would keep calling you on Friday to make plans for Saturday?

2. He talks too much about an ex-girlfriend
It's okay to reminisce about a past relationship, but if it's all he talks about, could it be he's not over her yet?

3. He won't talk about the future
We're not talking about ultimatums here or putting undue pressure on the guy.

4. He doesn't plan anything for special occasions
If your birthday is coming up or Valentine's Day and it's not on his radar screen, do you think your happiness is top of mind for him?

5. He lets you do all the work
It's okay to plan some of the dates, but if you only see each other when you make it happen, then can he really claim to be committed to the relationship?

6. He's not clear about your status with friends and family
Does he tell you that you're his girlfriend but say something different in front of friends and family, like we're just close friends?

7. He's overly guarded about cell phone and email messages
People who hide nothing have nothing to hide. Why would he be so protective about messages if he had nothing to hide?

8. He has no interest in your friends and family
If this relationship has a future, at some point he'll have to establish relationships with the people important in your life. If he's not interested in meeting your friends and family, could it be he doesn't expect to be around too long?

9. He cancels on you all the time
Making plans is great but not if they're constantly cancelled by him. What could possibly come up every weekend that he bags on plans with you to do something else?

~~~

I tried to turn the gender perspective around and see if it applies as She's Just Not Into You. But it seems it can't be the same as far as my limited understanding is concerned. What say you?

Ok, this is the second time I made this goof.

The first one was when I was supposed to encash a check and went into Metrobank just beside El Pueblo. I was all grin and stuff, and then the teller lady said

"This is for Unionbank you stupid fucker".

Okayyyy. Now you see, I am absolutely sure Metrobank and Unionbank were using the same fonts for their branch names. Yeah, that's got to be it. I mean I'm a right-brained kind of guy and the only thing I can understand are pictures.

Now the second one just today.

I was looking for Unionbank in Libis located in IBM Plaza. The guard sadly informed me that all the Unionbank I'll see here will be ATM machines. The only Unionbank around was on the other side of the street.

Okay, I said. Now why would they have a misleading address on the check? "They probably relocated", I said to myself. Besides the check was issued a good five months ago. I mean, anything can happen.

So there I was, in front of Unionbank. I showed the guard the check and he said.

"Dude, this is for Equitable Bank you stupid fucker".

Seeing the bank logo just above the printed address, I solemnly made my exit. I am now absolutely sure that my left and right brain are cross-wired all wrong.

"Gotta have that lobotomy", I said to myself.

I did not jog today.

But freaking body is aching for some reason, gah. And I want to sleep some more =_=

*firing up an mp3 of Up Dharma Down*

Let's make this day, a Morning Appreciation Day. It's a beautiful day. Yeah, the breeze is nice in Mandaluyong after stepping out of the condo. I miscalculated my time and had to prepare my stuff for the trip a bit too late. Good thing I only require a few things. The guitar is kind of bulky though.

Bought my morning empanada below the Boni MRT station. A bit of hassle having my guitar, the empanada on one hand, and the MRT ticket on the other.

Now in the office. Bloghop -_-

I went into one that looks like she has a very sad life. Uhm. Ok, next. Well now, this one has at least a cheerful blog template. Left my presence and went on to the other.

My, my, my. I have a stalker. Wonder what's the interest in me, hmmnn? Not that I worry. I hope you're a head hunter Mr/Ms Stalker you. Give me a nice job offer and pirate me outta here and you won't regret it :}

Just kidding.

Ok. Now this has come to an end. Off to work. Damn, I wish this is longer >_<

Had this week's edition of Newsweek (well, duh). It has a pretty interesting frontpage simply because I'm an avid blogger myself and has spiritless ambitions of being a writer.

Excerpt from Wang Xiaofeng's "Massage Milk":

"What is journalistic guidance? When everybody knows that the wind is blowing towards the west, but you insist on having some seemingly factual evidence to prove that the wind is actually blowing east. Then you go about persuading people to accept your viewpoint."

I could feel where he's coming from, for the fact that I had journalist backgrounds and that my ex was a journalist-reporter herself (though the only thing I pestered her with were her exploits in Basilan and the rape case she handled herself).

China probably haven't expected this one coming from its own people. Moreso for those who write.

I've heard news of blogging can be a dangerous thing to do for people who'd like to vent their rants about their company. Sort of like a career-limiting move. Or in some cases, a career-ending move.

There are other articles slashdot.org about it, but I won't delve into that. I mean geez, everyone can say something bad about everybody else, but those are not grounds for corporate punishment. Those are personal for goodness sakes, not a propaganda to bring the system down.

Hmmnn, then again, a small snowball can become an avalanche. But if you have no snow, what's there to fear but a simple tap on your roof? Paranoid imbeciles.

~~~

Mayhem in the Mud [page 4]

The mud slide in Guinsaugon has reached the world. Looks like the numbers are grim. Sixty people rescued from a population of 1,800.

I'm interested in the geography and conditions which caused the event. But it looks like there will be no details here.

~~~

Going for 'Brokeback' [page 8]

They're making spoofs of the controversial movie by Heath Ledger and er, that guy with titles like Top Gun 2: Brokeback Squadron and Brokeback to the Future. Hehe.

I think people over there are bored.

~~~

Fatherhood [page 38]

"As they get more involved, dads may face even more challenges than women in balancing work and family."

Looks like the tradition held by us men as simple breadwinners are now being put down in Europe. What's the fear? Not that they are narrow-minded goofs, but on the contrary, it's because men of this generation have no role models [sic].

I don't know what to say on a personal note, but I don't mind changing nappies :} Besides, I can always use the poo for jokes over dinner XD

~~~

Noticed an interesting ad:

Ever wondered why Cambodia is ranked 178 in World Soccer?

The picture is of a soccer player with a soccer ball under his right leg. The right leg ofcourse, is amputated. Text follows:

Over 40,000 Cambodians have lost their legs to landmines. 6 million still remain.

Landmines have gotta be the cruelest inventions man has ever made during the wars. If it does not outright kill you, it sure is going to cripple you. Then again, maybe I'd like a few of those on the streets were scum here roam.

~~~

Paris on My Mind [page 51]

I'd love to go to the Louvre someday :} I love the history and legacy of art pieces. How people in days long past can paint the most vivid, ageless pieces of skilled, majestic beauty. Ofcourse, that would mean I am not a fan of abstract art but maybe at least appreciate the Dada movement [page 52]. I'd like to be familiar with at least the difference between the Impressionist and Expressionist movements.

*eyes glistening*

- Q.Montejo

This is from last year's June ... sorry, this is 100% mush, because you know, I'm a sucker that way. The quoted lines are from the song You First Believed by Hoku. Made it while listening to that song.

Yeah. I believed you're better than all that. And I still do. No buts.

~~~

"how many times I prayed you find me"

how many wishes i can get from a star
before it fades

"it was you who first believed"

how many stars can I see through a car window
before i have to look back on the road

"it was you looking in my eyes"

how long does the road have to be
before i find you in this vast expanse of night

"and i've never been the same since you first believed"

how many nights do i count still
before it begins giving me warmth

"it was you who first believed"

how much warmth do i need
before i am ok

"in all that i was made to be"

how can i be ok when you keep going away?

"it was you looking in my eyes"

how much farther will you go away
before you stop and look at me

"you held my hand and you showed me life"

how will you look at me
if you're too blind to see through this night

"and i've never been the same"

how many stars do i light up
before you see your reflection in my eyes

"since you first believed ..."

how many stars ... how many stars ...

See here, sometimes after a batch of laundry requires that two of my favorite pairs of slacks have to be on soul searching (or might I say, sud soaking). I am then left to use an old pair that was designed when my waistline was a bit larger than what I have now.

Now here's the deal. Whenever I use a belt for that, the waist area (above the zipper, where the hooks are) has to fold to accomodate my slimmed waist. It looks horrible ofcourse, beside the fact that my belt wasn't made for it, and I'd look silly.

So there I was. No belt, trusting that the tucked in cloth from my polo would hold it up.

When I went to the urinals, I unzipped and guess what. My pants fell all the way to the ankles. My scarred, pale legs a glory for all to see.

Seriously, why ARE they carrying sticks?

I jogged again this morning, about 4:30 am and several people are carrying sticks. It's only less than an arm's length though, and about as thick as the ones used by elementary school teachers when pointing at the black board.

I guess I'll have to put that question into my bag of mysteries, along with things like, why do some of my socks disappear after laundry (right now I think I have at least 5 unpaired socks)? as well as, if the dust bunnies under my bed become big enough, will they develop life?

Ah, thoughts to ponder indeed ...

~~~

I've recovered a song book under my bed, a thick red one similar to the gray songbook of oldie songs. This one is full of boybands though, but at least it has tons of OPM goodies. I'll have a good time this weekend, even if it's just by myself and the ambient breeze.

Yeah, me and my beloved guitar. Or should I bring her along? I don't know if she can fit at the back along with the other luggage. Unlike other guitars I held, her strings are always soft to my fingertips. As if she doesn't want to be cruel to me.

As usual, I never finish a song whenever I play ^_^

Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako'y nandito lang di mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman!
Kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
Sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko?
Sana di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y iyong masasaktan ng ganito
Sanay nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

Geez. Couldn't find tabs for Up Dharma Down >_<

You Are 20% Left Brained, 80% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Now here's my dilemma. I'm a right-brainer doing a left-brainer's job.

I know what you are, but what am I?

As you all know (well, not all), I'm an IT professional, a Java/J2EE developer Sun-certified specializing on web applications and has been a Struts whore for the longest time. I am very knowledgeable in CSS, Javascripts, XML, XSLT, bla bla bla as well as experience in an industry standard for a software development lifecycle. I lack however, the creative juices of l33t web designers and the brain-melting power of true architects.

Heck, I have no intention of using my brain for thinking that hard about my job.

I have two enterprise-wide projects under my belt, but have not been given the satisfaction of actually finishing either. Right now I'm being honed as a technical software architect (because upper management got nothing to do, so they'd like to play with my career) instead of going the managerial path. But you know, all I really want is to play games all day like some lucky bastards I know.

Now, after all those words of self-love, let me introduce to you a celebrity in the IT world I live in.

Some say he's a villain. Some say he's a hero. But make no mistake, his incessant rantings and masturbatory jokes make waves in Javaland. I introduce to you, Mr. Hani Suleiman.

Don't be lead off with the language we speak, just take note at just how many vulgar sex-words he uses while discussing a technology or bashing some poor soul. I've been following a bit of discussion in TSS [some Java forum] as well, and boy, did it give the discussion a real kick. His intro was like

"Bruce Tate is, for all intents and purposes, one of the stupidest people in Java."

and my now favorite quote

"You see honey, there are people in the world who are a-holes..."

Yeap. Makes my day :}

I will be the first one to say a disclaimer: I really am no authority on relationships, moreso for women. Well, maybe I have a say, having dated women from all sorts of professions and scenarios in my early twenties up until after mid-twenties (mellowed down after that). I have known quite a number of personality types, encountered horrifying situations, and gone through nasty temptations.

The good news is, I have no skeletons in my closet. The bad news is, I never learn -_- *intro Buses and Trains*

Ofcourse, this post is not about me :} I'm sure you people already have received forwarded e-mails about stuff like this. But that just destroys the fun does it not? I hate sounding like a counselor or Dr. Phil though, because that's just so boring. That dude who made the book "He's Not Into You" is kinda cool, but then again, I'd hate to think I'll agree to every point he makes.

Some good stuff out there:

1. He is not the last man on this earth and there is more to life than being stuck in a dead-end relationship.
>> Dead-end can possibly mean a relationship that's not even growing. I can't say for relationships that revolves only around shagging, because it seems some people can handle it. Not a thing for me though, eeegh.

2. Life goes on even if you are hurt.
>> You have a life before him and you WILL have a life after. I think I'll have to patent that line.

3. You can heal and have your self esteem rebuilt.
>> Sometimes it's also a choice to heal up >_< that's why I am blunt with the question if a person becomes cynical or not after a bad relationship. Because after that, some women make sweeping generalizations like "All men are chauvinists" or "All men just want hot monkey love". It's self-defeating, and I hate seeing it on exceptionally smart women.

4. You can dream again regardless of your age, health status or number of kids.
>> You would probably name a number of movies made with this agenda in mind. Especially that movie about two retards falling in love ... anybody know what it is?

5. You can still go back to school and get your confidence back.
>> Reminds me of single moms. I think I'll make a separate post about it, since I did date a single mom at one point in my life.

6. Yes, you can be financially independent and make it big on your own.
>> Stories abound for this one. Just watch those Oprah Winfrey shows ... or Ating Alamin XD

7. Never make a ‘man’ your God – he is only human like you.
>> I am living under a rock, when I say I have never met anyone who treats his man like a God. I mean, how could you even do that? Don't you even have a spine of your own? Even if in a one in a million chance a girl does that to me, I won't ever let her.

8. Yes, there are men who respect women and will treat them like a lady.
>> I'd rather make this one generalization: all men are capable of treating a woman like a lady, as well as treating them like trash. Just so happen some just forgot to do it. Sort of like how Anne Frank sees people as. That no matter the circumstances, all men have something good in them. Some would digress though, even venomenously at that.

9. Be concerned about your happiness and what makes you feel like a total person.
>> A favorite line comes into mind: "You are first and foremost your own person". A woman next. A sister, wife, mom, etc. second. Because logically, if you lose yourself as a person, all those other things connected below will practically fall apart.

10. Remember the more time you take in making that decision to get out the more time you will lose and never will you get it back. It means you will never know what you were capable of contributing to the world.
>> Had a bit of a line like this last night. Getting out of a bad relationship must NOT take time. I clumsily suggested otherwise because I was delving into the mind set of "thinking it over and take your time" kind of thing. That's a personality flaw of mine btw, since I sometimes can't be spontaneous when I need to >_<

Oh well, I'm not sure what's for part 2. So, whatever. Another disclaimer: I sometimes appear I have all the answers, but wait til I get the problem myself XD

I have an uncooperable body.

I've been having weird sleeping habits like lying down at 8:00pm, but only really actually sleep after 10:00pm. I will then wake up at around 2:00am the next day, but only come out of bed at about 4:00am. I then have to do what I can just so I won't get annoyingly restless.

I jog around the Divine Grace church, along with other morning joggers. Noticed something funny with them though ... they were carrying sticks. Yes you heard me. Sticks. What's that for? Poke people who are jogging faster than you?

I don't know what I weigh at this time. I usually have a constant scale of 165 lbs, reached 170 once and I felt really bloated. My face would look all roundish -_- I didn't like it at all.

Darn, wish I could have a better mp3 of Up Dharma Down's June. And I haven't seen yet what's up at my old roaming grounds (guys?).

I'm a lunatic under the wrong situations, that much I have surmised. I have a favorite story wherein a robber wanted to get my cellphone and I gave him the most menacing look he probably ever witnessed in his pathetic life. I used to practice punching concrete walls til my knuckles bleed but my now dainty hands are now better suited for squeezing water out of laundry. Heck, right now I just might shit my pants if that happens to me again -- well, maybe not. Almost had a fist fight with a six footer o_O

Anyway, I'll call this week Protecting the Women Week: Crime Prevention, because not all women know what to do when this most unfortunate incident happens to them.

These are just stuff all out of my head though, so be kind

1. Not everyone has pepper spray handy. But if you have those laser pointers (those little toys that are sometimes used for pens and keychains), try focusing it on your assailant's eyes as a surprise. Those are PAINFUL, and could give you time to get away.

I learned about this when a classmate in college playfully did this to two buds of mine peacefully sitting on a bench. Their eyes were watery for a few minutes, and not normal for an hour. This could be debilitating at night time for the assailants themselves. I believe it can cause temporary blindness if the beam is strong enough.

2. All living beings fear pain. If your fists are too weak to give a nice punch, use the elbows if you can. However, don't attempt if you don't have the confidence as your assailant might read your move. The ultimate hit would be crushing his throat, because well y'know, you might kill the poor sod -- not!! XD

3. If you have nerves of steel, see if you can read his mood. Remember, you are afraid of being hurt, while he is afraid of getting caught and get some serious ass raping in jail. So if a stranger passes by, greet him like he/she's your friend.

Don't be sympathetic. He is scum. I had a friend who was taken by this because the assailant reasoned out that the times were hard for him. Like hell. No reason in the world is enough to commit a crime.

4. A very nice tactic I've read is that if a robber wants your purse, DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM. Instead, throw it one way and run the other direction. Chances are, they'd go for the purse.

5. Ofcourse, there's the usual routine when you will be going home in a taxi cab. Lock the doors, put on seatbelts. Have a friend take the plate number. Other than having someone accompany you home, message him/her that you're safe, or at least have them call the phone at home if you're expected to be there at a certain time duration. I make sure of the latter two for people who are precious to me, regardless of what they think *stupid grin*

And yeah, I've read a few modus operandi when the criminal IS the taxi cab driver. Be weary if the door locks can't be pulled up. You could be trapped inside. Also, I've read another wherein the taxi cab driver would expose an air freshener to the air conditioner strangely pointed at YOU. If you feel sleepy, get the fuck out of there.

~~~

NB: Will add a few more if it passes by my head.

I've rummaged through my blog archives, and may I say, I have a lot good stuff back there (so I invite you guys to be in there, even if you cannot relate). This one I don't know who the author is, and I couldn't have written it any better.

~~~

Turn away from the crowd & its fruitless pursuit of fame & gold. Never look back as you close your door to the sorry tumult of greed & ambition. Wipe away your tears of failure & misfortune. Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still.

Be at peace. Already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eye between two eternities.

Be unafraid. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do which you dread and cherish those victories with pride. Concentrate your energy. To be everywhere is to be nowhere.

Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure. Reconsider your goals. Before you set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what you desire. Love your family and count your blessings. Reflect on how eagerly they would be sought if you did not have them. Put aside your impossible dream and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful. All great achievements come from working and waiting.

Be patient. God’s delays are never God’s denials. Hold on. Hold fast. Know that your pay master is always near. What you sow, good or evil, that you will reap. Never blame your condition on others. You are what you are through your choice alone. Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.

Never meet trouble halfway. Anxiety is the rust of life; when you add tomorrow’s burdens to today’s their weight becomes unbearable. Avoid the mourner’s bench and give thanks, instead, for your defeats. You would not receive them if you did not need them. Always learn from others. He who teaches himself has a fool for a master.

Be careful. Do not overload your conscience. Conduct your life as if it was spent in arena filled with tattlers. Avoid boasting. If you see anything in you that puffs you with pride look closer and you will find more than enough to make you humble.

Be wise. Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature, yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him. Work everyday as if it was your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will all end at midnight.

Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is luxury you cannot afford. Seek out those in need. Learn that he who delivers with one hand will always gather with two.

Be of good cheer. Above all, remember that every little is needed to make a happy life. Look up. Reach out. Cling simply to God and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile.

When you depart, it will be said by all that your legacy was a better world than one you found.

This is the first installment of The People Around Me series. And today's guinea pig, my good 'ol condomate, Don don (Donaldo).

So what's lovable about our good man Don? Other than the fact that he looks so much like that guy who was the archer son of the samurai in The Last Samurai (feat. some guy named Tom cruise *cough*), he's as buffed as a ... buffed guy. Yeah.

Throughout my entire three years of staying at the condo, I uh, I don't know what's his surname is (yes folks, I am THAT antisocial). I've been witness to the different hair styles he had sported (bald, fuzzy, wavy, straightened, then bald again, right now he's afro wavy).

I absolutely will detest the day that I'll piss him off. That's ofcourse, for no other reason that he could punch through my rib cage and have his hand gripping my heart on the other side of me (with blood dripping no less). Just kidding *tee hee*

For some reason, I still puzzle at the idea as to what is his true relationship with his roommate, Rommel. They're blood-tied me thinks, but sometimes when they frolick, I feel a cold tingling sensation that something is amiss. Yes folks, sometimes it's bordering on affectionate. I do have to wonder at the fact that he sleeps beside him ... well it's a doubledeck and slide on bed underneath, with poor 'ol Euan on the top deck.

Whatever they have between them, I leave it all up to good sense.

Among the two however, I could get along Don much better than Rommel because he's more receptive to my nonsensical jokes about what they watch in TV (like uh, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ... can't say which side they're relating to).

So anyway, what else ... oh yeah!

Whenever Don tries to take a bath in the morning, he always makes a unique repeating sound each time. Why, this morning, it sounded like a pleased chihuahua that went like

"Yip yip yip yip yip yip !!"

Or it's Bruce Lee on Tuesdays, "Woo woo woo woo woo woo !!"

Still, Don is a pleasant guy despite the Ahnold bulges. Here's to you man! Cheers! And I hope you don't hurt me. This is all in good taste. I assure you *sweatdrop*

You know what, I like to use charcoal for sketching portraits (which I have not done for so long), or to barbecue meat into the tender, juicy pieces of morsel that they are.

Yes indeed, I like charcoal.

But not in my water mug. Shite, the filter must've been busted. Or ... that was the filter o_O good God

*beat of a percussion box*
*strum of guitar strings*

the light is gone, with the dark
... the rain ...

when you're high and dry
and everythin' in between
the cloud and sky

my eyes are seeing visions of June
my tears are flowin', flowing too soon
when you know there's nothing stopping pain
there's nothing stopping pain again

when you know that you're there
almost drowning in your own tears
just remember I was there running to where you were
there's nothing stopping June this time ...



i'm fighting for June
i'm fighting for you
coming close, coming close to you

*percussion fades away*

I'll be sorry.

Because I went home to Cavite with a tattered self. The usual cheerfulness when I go home is not there. Worse, amidst all the people there, I felt withdrawn and silly. Back home you see, I'm treated like a prince. My cousins from both sides of the family never fail to treat me like some sort of celebrity. My older kuyas would give me a pat on the shoulder whenever they pass by me. My female cousins would always have that beloved lilt whenever they mention my nickname. But I am too inside myself.

Yesterday was fiesta in our little barrio.

I'm a bit surprised that there's an eat-all-you-can buffet right at the patio. Complete with a uniformed attendant even o_O I ate what I can and ignored all of it, including the noise of the bands outside and the dancing people. I went straight to my bed with an open window to the vast coffee plantation view at the back.

This morning I ate breakfast beside mom and dad on a chilly, beautiful morning on the patio. Yet I said nothing, because I usually am the one who's noisy about everything, telling a joke or anecdote about my life. Mom broke the silence by telling me news about my brother, that he passed the civil service exams.

I felt indifferent.

I finished my chocolate drink. And went to this computer to blog about everything. At least I'm thankful that my mind is just one right now. I want to talk to my best friend. But she's so far away and as much as I am too manly proud to admit it, I miss her a lot.

Right now I've fired up the mp3 player and is playing every file given to me on my flash disk. Direct rips from the CDs it seems. The speaker is not cooperating though, as it has to be in a volume level that does not spoil the sound.

I used to dream I was far away with people who don't know me when I'm this way. Sometimes I'd like to just cry it out, as pathetic as it may sound. It's difficult to do so however, because my tear glands won't work for having been unused for the last ten years or so. Funny, because I was originally a cry baby. I'd cry at any instant anything felt painful -- which is a lot. Tequila changed everything though, hehe.

Why entitle this "The Incredible Nothingness of Everything"?

For the first time in a very long while, everything felt meaningless. I thought I've already answered the why's of my life. Now they come back in all capitals as if the answers I've given before weren't enough to begin with.

I feel no excitement for my work. The games I love playing feel stale. The animes I've been watching don't entertain me. The friends I have right now I feel like pushing away. Alcohol feel like a pretty stupid way to give me respite. If I was a person other than myself, I would've done something really stupid by now.

Looks like I'm too tough to bring down but weak enough to be made immobile. I feel like the inside of my skull has grown callouses. As well as the inside of my rib cage.

Let it go.

Those three words are the most difficult to achieve with my kind of personality -- which is a brooding type. I've read in the wisdom of eastern religions, that the cause of man's misery is his desires for himself.

Let it go. Desire less, have more.

In my case, it's magnified by the fact that I have not desired anything much in this world -- anything but one. And it's because it's my only desire, everything revolved around it.

Bad move.

What's next for me? I'll have to let nature run its course. Tomorrow is good for something I'm sure. At least I know I have hope tattooed on my forehead.

- Q.Montejo

I made this on the 17th of January, 2003. You can find it in my first blog.

amidst the tears and anguish
amidst the terrorist bombings
amidst the crumbling dreams ...
where's the love in it?
where's the love?

amidst the sex and carnal pleasure
amidst the adultery and fornication
amidst the prostitution and abortion ...
where's the love in it man?
where's the love?

amidst the murders and corruption
amidst the defilement of rights
amidst the abuse of life ...
where's the love in it?
where's the love in it?

if i were to live with this
everyday, eveyweek, everyyear
why should i bother living?
where's the love i need?
where do i find it?

Since I've been plagued by the thought overflow condition, I'd like to put in here my version of comfort food, though mostly drinks.

Drinks: I start with drinks because you really don't have any effort preparing them ... drink right from the bottle!

- Melon Milk - during my overnight stays at the office, which were not happening often the past year, just having this pass my mouth sooths me immensely and my mind would say something weird like "Ahh, a balm for my stomach". Try it sometime, there's a lot of this in your local 7-11 stores.

- Cranberry-Apple Juice - whenever I come home late from the office (past 12 or so), I just get a chilled half-full mug of this and I enjoy my anime episodes all the more. Really good to drink during the summer months! Gives vitamin C too and prevents a strain of UTI infection.

- Swiss-Miss - nice during the cold months while having your toes curl up from the chill. Unlike all other local chocolate drinks, this goes smooth just passing through your throat. Add a dash of pepper if you'd like to enchance the chocolatey taste.


Food: Well, not much to say here. Go go solids!

- Noodle soup - by far the ONLY comfort food that has stayed with me for the longest time. Back when I was a sickly kid, this was the only food that I could taste. My favorite brand is Nissin because it's not salty and the noodles go fine with any garnish you'd like. My father had a good recipe by adding in bits of meatloaf, and such. I recommend you don't put eggs, because it spoils the taste.

- Cerelac (Banana-Wheat) - well, I dunno about you but this shit really hits the spot. Who said only babies get to munch on this. I even like it when it forms 'lumps' while preparing it.

- Miso soup - the first time I'd get to taste this was in Tokyo Tokyo a few years back. I'm not sure what's it made of (soy?), but it has the same effect as the melon milk, only it is in soup form, not to mention warm. Whenever I order in Japanese restaurant, I like having this around. I usually have a contented smile afterwards.

- Pancit Canton - this one is more situational because sometimes I'd like to have myself eating this for a full two-week duration, and after that, I'd detest the sight and scent of it. Still, this gives me memories of my hometown Cavite where mom would just prepare loads of it after a good day of ... playing PC games.

Listening to it, damn I think she has a very sexy singing voice. Jazzy (is it?), smooth, and cool. Armi Millare can be likened to Kitchie Nadal's singing style, but I never liked hers, instead I like Armi's better. Her vocal notes go about playfully which makes me giddy :} Her voice sort of reminds me a bit of Joss Stone, but that's just me.

I have yet to determine if their music will easily saturate my olfactory tongue (which is an unfortunate case for Spongecola songs).

A tidbit from their website:

The band got the name from the word Dharma, meaning the laws of life. In whatever case, it is a law that connects everything in existence no matter how diverse they are.

Cool eh? Reminds me of the 90s alt band Kula Shaker whose Indian-music tinted songs got some serious airplay starting with their single Govinda.

Anyway, I'm on the third repetition of Oo, and it's not even getting stale yet. Which is good :}

It was a terrible night last night. My brain went through a thought overflow which happens when I try to analyze something and then it accidentally enters into an endless loop. Glad that I got over it because it hurts the back of my skull. The cat I saw who got run over sort of helped, but it only made me more sleepless. Anyway, I got to bed past 12 in the morning and had to contest with the aftermath. It sucks because I planned to go jogging early at 4 am.

That's why playing vid games, listening to music, or getting physical are important to me because it refocuses my otherwise wild-jungled mind.

As for what's next for me, I'm letting nature run its course. I guess its time to sheath my swords back and repair the chinks on my armor. The warrior needs to rest.

For some joyous news, I get to have a song from Up Dharma Down and an old classic from Candlebox, Far Behind.

Now maybe I didn’t mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And not maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway

I involuntarily sniffed my right-hand fingers and then I immediately had a craving for Indian food. I'd like to smell curry. With bread.

:F

Indian food ...

Indian food ...

Indian food ...

T_T

To wash away all those recent posts I made, I'm going to post a picture of me during a really bad day at the office.

I don't know why I continually shoot myself on the foot for the four letter word called love, but this article is nice to read even though I couldn't exactly relate to it *stupid grin*

But for those, please read on. I'd like to comment on the content itself but it'll be three times more boring than me.

~~~

LEARNING TO UNLOVE YOU
By Mariel Calalo

Sometimes, just when you think you've found the perfect person, he realizes that there are so many things wrong with you. Eventually, you also realize that there are so many things wrong with him and everything just falls apart. After some time, you realize that it's over. No amount of screaming, kicking and whinning can bring you an instant replay of the things that were and could have been.Give me the space and the time that I need to learn to unlove you.

Musta ka na? I don't know how I am. Would you take it against me if answer that question with a cold stare? How am I doing? I don't know. I absolutely don't know. I guess I've been having sleepless nights, trying to figure out why things didn't work out. I guess I'm caught between wanting to shut you out of my life completely and wanting to snatch you away. I don't know. I am lost. Life was so much simpler before you messed up with my heart. Happiness, being okay and loneliness were simple emotions. With you in my life now, everything seems much more exaggerated. It's like I feel these emotions from my hair to my fingertips, to the point of being nauseated.

Okay ka lang ba? I don't think I'm okay. I am not okay. Being confused never belonged to the realm of being okay. Do you realize what you do to me? My days seem so much happier. The sun seems to shine brighter. The rain brings a smile to my lips. The colors seem more vivid and I now love the things I used to hate. I don't think I'm okay. My life has always been on a timetable. Everything is planned and every aspect has a structure. Everything has a Plan A and if the Plan A does not work, there's always a Plan B. When all else fails, there's always Plan C. When you came something has placed the entire order in my life upside down. My timetable changed and to the point I don't follow a schedule anymore. My plans were all put on hold. The whole structure just went crashing. I had a clear view of what I wanted, where I was going and by when do I need to get there. The moment you walked in, none of them seemed to matter anymore. All I wanted was to stay with you. And that isn't me. I can't afford to allow that to be me. Not this this time. Not with you.You represent the exact opposite of everything I've ever longed for and yet, for some strange reason, I feel happy when I'm with you. Some people have a problem dealing with loneliness. I, however, find myself having a problem dealing with happiness because I can't justify to my mind why I feel about you. It's just not logical. It defies reason.

Are you angry with me? No, I'm not angry with you. I am just doing what's best for the both of us thereby solving the problem before it begins. I know this feeling all too well. I know I'm gonna end up starting my day with thoughts of you and end it just the same. I'd have imaginary conversations with you in my head. And then one day, I'd wake up realizing that you have become an essential part of my day. It would be all so rosy for the first 90 days. Until one day, reality gives me a nudge and makes me realize I don't really have you. That no matter how much you said you loved my eyes and sharing your dreams and your thoughts with me, I still won't be enough. That no matter how much you said you cared about me, you can never love me the way I want to be loved. That no matter what I do, there would be no me and you. So let me solve this the only way I know how.

You really don't want to see me anymore, no? Well, yes.. at least until I get over you. At least until I am sure that your presence no longer affects my better judgement. At least until I've accepted the finality of things and never feel myself longing for something you cannot give. Let me concentrate on the negative things about you. Let me bring you down from the pedestal I once placed you in. Allow me to see your worst and then maybe I'd change my mind. Let me remind myself that as much as I love you, we have different priorities. That as much as I adore you, you have a way of pissing me off, a way that only you can do. Let me be reminded of what a ball and chain you are then maybe I'd learn to see you in a different light. Let me gaze at your countenance one more time and remind myself how forgettable your features are. Let me walk with indifference when all I wanted to do was to run to your side and hug you.Let me be nonchalant about your stories, about your thoughts. Let me be self-absorbed, allow me to work myself to death or drag my sorry *** wacking my brains out with academic pursuits. Let me be busy. It's just that I don't want to be happy for a moment and be miserable for the next three. I don't want to love you, because I don't want to go through the pain of letting you go. My mind refuses to let the heart win.

And you know what's the worst part of learning to unlove you? It the disappointing reality, that my messed up heart is stubbornly believing that letting you go means loving you more. It's the dark, unacceptable fact that sadly, whoever gets romantically entangled with me at this precise moment of my life, that person will only fall second best to the memory of you. So allow me to get the space and the time I need as I live day-to-day, practicing the art of unloving you.

I wonder if people have noticed how I don't keep my secrets in this blog that private, and would go so far as to have other people contribute. Heck, I invite everyone to go in here, most especially the assholes I haven't been able to defeat in a 1 on 1 asshole-fight (yeah, they're that good ... nay, better than I am).

This blog started out as an experiment on myself. The objective was for me to see what I don't want to see in myself -- being pathetic, foolish, weak-minded, blind pride -- and then be able to face it, or learn how to face it in my own time, or at least see it coming. Other than the artful expressions I pepper every so often, I spill my mind so I could better look at it in the open.

Like whenever I look back at some blog posts, I would go something like, "Geez, I did that?" or "Wtf, this can't be me". See the point? Ofcourse I still obfuscate some people I mention, for the simple fact that I would be invading their right to privacy or anonymity. This blog is about me after all.

I think this will be a most interesting stuff to blog about. Yeap, I live in interesting times (if you have to know where that line is from, it's from Confucius) sorrounded by interesting people ^_^

The other interesting idea I thought of was to start a week by naming it. For example, next week will be Tuna Week, and I'll post articles about tuna, how I love tuna, and what I'd like to cook with Tuna. After that, I could name the week, Penis Week and write about penises and how the world revolves around this tool *tee hee*.

But back to the people around me. I have two most prominent circles right now, and that would be the office people, and my condo-mates. Ofcourse I'll come across everyone, so keep your fingers crossed.

And no, this won't be like those freaking annoying talk shows starring some equally annoying gay commentator. No no, this would be like a National Geographic baby. And I'll examine right through your ear canals.

Alright, enough of the talk. Let the show begin >:}

Once in Sanfo, I went into a hiphop session where Asians were free styling verses. That is, impromptu rap song that you just cook up then and there while the beat was moving. What caught us was a plump dude people call Kiwi (he's Pinoy me thinks), and had the admiration of the crowd with his smooth words.

Well, I'm trying something like that now (a bit of an about face from my rocker persona). Charge the beat up homiez ...

Remember, this just a fun thing for me, no serious thoughts (helps while you listen to a beat from Kanye West) ^_^

~~~

Come to me yo I have something to say
Keep the bias and let me go hey hey
This shithole office has nothin for me
Only the lights in front, paid for free
So figure 'em out, what's there to do?
Am freakin jaded and freakin so are you
Gonna tell you a story, aint nothin special
Ain't that good, but ain't superficial
Once there was a guy who likes 'toons and beer
Met a girl chillin around, or so he cheered
His eyes a-doozy, but he knew somethin good
Somethin with this girl, figure out if he could
So he went out with his way, makin it out fine
Bought the flowers, could've bought some wine
He has no clue what he's about to do
'cept swallow his pride, and go down with a flu
Flu a fever, would you think he's down?
Not even a normal homie, acts like a clown
Maybe if it's good, will it follow through?
Win or lose, aint even got a clue
So romance boy yeah, goin out with a bang
Clumsy-hearted doofus, goin out with the gang
But he's timing was so bad, didn't get it right
On and on he went, won't give up with no fight
Trying to be smart, in a game made for hearts
He's down on his card, time for a new start

Dude you should've seen him
And dude would you believe him
Trying funny hard to be cool
Hard-ass stubborn like a fool

What was then worth for this little man?
Thinkin hell too much was not his plan
He just needs time to get things done
Sure as hell what happened was a lot of fun
Sure needs to know what the girl was thinkin
Though he knows about it, not just feelin
Too selfish to get, what he wants really
But not askin her what she needs, silly
Gonna be cool, or gonna be cruel?
You don't wanna be anyone's shitty tool
Nothin will last forever in this game
For a reason, or for a season it's all the same
You skin your knees tryin to run so far
But enough air to breathe for tryin so hard
So the guy went on a freeze, takin a bow
Drew on a card, however he knows how
Maybe things in him are just way overflowin
Can't stop the train wherever it is goin
A fool for shit, a shit for foolz
However you make of it, love just rulez

Dude you should've seen it
And dude could you believe it
Trying funny hard to be real
Hard to be true to what you feel

*bow*

~~~

syet, nakakapagod

Translated as "Record of a Yokohama Shopping Trip".

For some reason I remember that whole Japanese name of the manga (became anime too) of this title. Why am I writing it here?

Simple. Because it is just that -- simple. This manga is not at all like those mechas, super-powered chics, Jewish-mythology based storylines, or whatever twist there is you can think of that was able to be put in story.

This one consist of a very refreshing story ... if it has any. The words are scarce, the drawings not intricate, but the wideness and flavor of the content give it a relaxing feel. You would see panels and panels of strips that will be full of grasslands and other wide open spaces with the occasional musings of Alpha, the android left to tend a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere by her owner. As the day passes by and night comes, you won't be treated any softer than the stillness of the night, wrapped in a comforting blanket while feeling your toes curl up for an evening chill.

Each page is like a photo album of events. With an interesting cast of side characters that lives in the vicinity. Which includes a mythological creature-lady that plops around, as well as a flying fish with sunglasses.

Sun. Clouds. Coffee. Shade.

It's like a vacation where you could already feel the soothing wind coming your way.

Artist-lovers do have a lot in common don't they? :}

"...

And as with all the great passionate artists-lovers in the world, Frida Kahlo, Edgar Allan Poe, Jim Morrison and Tommy Lee, there are times when jealousy and insecurity turns me into a monster of near-murderous proportions (near lang ha). I know I feel this when my insides churn, the bones in my back seem to grate against each other and the tips of my fingers fill with a frigid sensation. This last one wasn’t any different. But then god, I told myself, I haven’t felt this ecstatic and tortured at the same time in such a long time. I am still alive, you need not pinch me. I resolve not to feel sad and drag myself into depression. Love and pain fuel me. It’s as everyday as dogshit on Basilan Street. I want to be an optimist till the day I freaking die, man. It was a dizzying three weeks filled with adventure and love and friendship and tears and colors and bright lights. Fucking well worth it.

So, there, I finally got it off my chest. Thanks for reading. And if you happen to pass by on Garnet Road tonight, look for the woman in black singing love songs at Café Agogo. God, she fucking knows what she sings about."
- Marge

This one is just too good to pass up so I want other people to read it. Apologies Margie, for ripping this one off without your consent.

I guess, in a way, it was the first time in a long while when I felt tortured and ecstatic at the same time as well. But is it not the fuel imbibed by the greatest artists in the world while making their greatest art?

I know it is. I'll pass by sometime ^_^ I wanna hear you sing. Be bringing booze too.

Though I've tried
I've fallen, I've sunk so low
I've messed up better I should know ...

Call it the subliminal association to my penis (ode!), but seriously, looking at these gives me dream sequences of glorious medieval battles (ode!) with the same delight as that in pre-orgasm.

Yeap, those Braveheart and LOTR battles make me cry *sniff*

While I was browsing through "Random Facts about Chuck Norris", I got this one that really made me chuckle:

Once, while traveling in space, a stray asteroid collided with Chuck Norris' testicles, slicing the left one off. Just to prove that he's badass, he ejaculated with only one testicle to stop the testicle that he didn't have. This event is recreated in the end of Final Fantasy VII.

That link is getting popular because I saw it in another forum :}

Some others, haha

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

^_^ moving on ...

~~~

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

~~~

Well ... that's that.

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be

Weird. If the left earphone is not working, I feel my left eye is not working as well.

Surprisingly, I don't have anything weighty to say today. On the contrary, this will be a very light-hearted post.

I dreamt a lot, even when I was very young, of saving a princess and win her heart. Don't ask me how I had these silly notions at the age of six or so. I would draw a girl on my pad paper (besides doodles of giant monster robots) and pretend she's the most beautiful thing in the world.

In comes Mia *intro the song My Girl*

When I saw her in school in BF Homes Las Pinas (gawd, that was elementary), I thought she was the most perfect girl to ever grace my sick existence. Everything about her was dreamy -- her smile, her voice, her eyes ... she's at the top of the class and all other boys were madly infatuated with her as well. Heck, I might even worship her poop. While I on the other hand, I was a malnourished-looking bumpkin having culture shock with all the strange kids running around with their cool notebooks and Transformer toys.

I would dream that I'll defend her from monsters and *bad people* using my blazing sword of awesome power (got it after slaying gazillions of dragons and an evil witch beforehand). And when I finally have her I'll take her away, but not into some boring castle. We'd get to frolick on the beach where it's perpetually dawn and sleep in a tower with a rotating windmill (don't ask me why about this one ... must be a past life). And then I'd give her a cute peck on the cheek and giggle about how rosy her face gets.

I guess the only legacy I had of her was when I wrote "F loves M" on the bark of a coconut tree outside my cousin's home. I didn't even get to keep an elementary class picture so I can remember what she looked like *sigh*

Heh heh.

Silly, silly, kiddy dreams.

I've always thought that I was born then, but only lived just recently.

Hopefully, I won't die before my time. So I sing this song ...


Ely Buendia: Me and the only love who doesn't care who I am


Band Rehearsal: I guess it's my ass pointing at the camera


Wedding Singers: You pay us to make your weddings memorable by ruining it


Tequila: One tequila! Two tequila! Three tequila! Floor!


Being drunk + Soft shoulders = Heaven


Dancing: A sport where you move around and believe no one's looking


Take me to WILDSIDE COWBOYYYYY !!!! (my Indian sidekick is just beside me)


Without glasses, I look like sheep or a seminarista


Proverb: Shit no Evil

You know what, your ex is right. You ARE difficult to reach emotionally.

How's that?

It's just that I don't know what you are thinking. You're unpredictable. When we gone out that trip, I was worried about you. I couldn't say if you were enjoying it at all.

...

You're just so ... distant, y'know? Always 'away', always 'out there'. Aloof is the exact word for you. It is so you. And for someone so good at words, you don't know how to use it when it actually counts.

You're a nice guy. Despite your intimidating persona, you are a nice guy. And that's what makes it difficult isn't it? Women will find themselves feeling guilty for turning down a nice guy. Most especially the likes of you.

Yeah, realizing something as well. Sala ako palagi no?

Hahaha, yes. That's true isn't it? Jaz was complaining you were too slow, and now you're like a squirrel on crack.

And I think too much, don't I?

Haha, again, yeah. It's part of your personality. That's why I think, it is right that you do get someone who has a strong personality. Anyone else, hindi ka kakayanin.

Am I really that hard to understand?

Because of how you say or rather, what you DON'T say. For one thing, hindi puede sa yo ang bobo. Also you're blunt.

You don't have a big heart.

...

And I don't like seeing you this way.

...

Give it time.

"I dunno if you've understand what I've told you before when you asked if I could refer one of my friends to you. Again, I won't do it for the simple reason na may "past" tayo, something na hanggang ngayon, unresolved pa din and unclear. And till such time you'll know how to treat a girl properly, you won't get any good recommendations from me. For someone so smart, I'm so disappointed with you. And nah, I don't think we could be good friends. You made me feel like trash then, and you're still making me feel that way now, know what? I've just realized na hindi ako ang unworthy, it's you. Wherever life may lead us from here ... goodluck!"

Now this here is a perfect example of true power over jerkdom. I never really wrote about our resident queen in this insignificant blog of mine, simply because she's a world on her own, her own castle, her own court.

I could almost taste the words to whom this was said to: vindictive, cool, but at the same time regal and calculating.

I bow to the queen \(-_-)/

Psst, penge pera.

Just remembered a bit of chat last night, and this web comic just hits it, hahaha.

Enjoy.

It's Alien Loves Predator btw. Funny shit, go read at the start if you can't have enough of it :D

Just bought a copy of Newsweek. Lots of interesting topics on February 13 issue.

~~~

The cover is entitled Islam and Freedom (Are They Destined To Clash?). This issue has been in the news for quite sometime now, and refers to the protests by Muslims against the cartoon depictions of Muhammad (have not seen it though, links anyone?).

Inside it says that such a thing has not been new, in fact Europe has such a history even with Roman Catholic church. One of which was the depiction of the Last Supper by some designer using lightly clad women (?)

Amongst the religions I've studied a bit, Islam has been the strictest and perhaps the most tersely rational. Do note however that liberal Muslims in Europe differ in viewpoints from the natively Arabic (Egypt, Saudi Arabia, etc.).

~~~

Iran has been suspected of making weapons of mass destruction (wow, sounds Bushy hmm?). The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) reported to the UN Security council of an issue regarding the increasing facilities of Iran that makes use of nuclear power.

Well, they could be using it for anything, like a horde of angry, flesh-eating, mutant tomatoes.

On related news, Israel (paranoid as usual) is on the ready to strike at Iran if they do so much as light a cigarette (Shahab model missiles that has a potential to reach Taiwan ... wait, is that Taiwan on that map there?).

~~~

The Japanese are becoming more and more un-Japanese. Ok, now how is this possible? I would've thought all those animes mean Japan is still a fan of its roots. Japan has absorbed so much of the world (or more like, the Western world) that it wouldn't be strange for foreigners to view it as another Western country.

All those fuzzy, colored hair wouldn't only be in animes after all now would it?

Unfortunately, I would think the Japanese are taking in the watered-down Western culture. They're celebrating Christmas for one thing, only because the rest of the world is doing so. Same goes for MTV >_<

Oh well, I still have my animes.

Due to some weird events, the Quentinian council inside my head is in a bedlam. My Asshole and Fighter personalities are wrestling with Romantic and Child, as well as the rest of the neutrals like the Philosopher and Mr. Goof.

Since I'm the only one who understands this, you all don't have a say to this shit. Stay tuned XD

- Pauline Schroeder

This was supposed to be sequel/reply for the one below. But I think it stands on its own. Enjoy.

alam mo
ilang beses na kong
nahilo sa kalokohan
ng nararamdaman ko
sabi ko sa sarili ko
"ah, makakalimutan mo rin yan"
o kaya ay
"itigil mo na kasi yan
niloloko mo sarili mo"
ang hindi ko lang malaman
e kung bakit
kapag tahimik
ang aking kapaligiran
ikaw ang sumasagi
sa isip ko
hindi ka naman momo
wala naman akong
utang na pera sa yo
kaya ang nangyayari sa kin ay
lalapit ako, tapos lalayo
lalapit, tapos lalayo
pilit kong pinapanatag
ang sarili ko
na huwag nang
gawin to sa yo
kaya minsan
lumalabas akong
insensitibo ...
yun pala, mas naging mali
ang ginawa kong sagot
sa mga katanungan ko

bakit kaya
mahal kita?
hindi ko naman tinanong
ang iyong nakalipas
dahil kailangan ko lang
sa iyo noon
ay ang iyong kasalukuyan
ang lumabo nga lang
ay ang ating hinaharap
yun siguro dahilan
ayokong
umpisahan ang isang bagay
na alam kong tatapusin ko
agad rin lang
sige na
hindi na nga ako
magdadahilan
kaya ko naman siguro to ...
hindi man mawala
ang lungkot ko
hindi ko naman
ipapakita sa yo ...

masasabi ko bang
totoong mahal kita?
ayoko nang mag-isip ng mga
bagay na, "kung sana ay ..."
o kaya ay, "siguro kapag ..."
sige na
tama na tong inaangal ko
ito lang naman masasabi ko
na dati merong nagmahal sa yo
na kung gugustuhin niya
magiging maligaya
ang bawat araw at
kinabukasan ninyo
kaso, ang tanga-tanga niya
hindi niya ginawa yon
at ngayon, sa katangahan niya
mahal ka pa rin niya
ayaw niya lang
sabihin sa yo
dahil baka
mag-umpisa na naman
ang storyang
kinuwento ko

- Q.Montejo

Ok, I found this freaking poem at last. I was reminded of this poem when I passed by cherubim's.

sinabi ko naman sa yo
na hindi ako nanghinayang
alam kong di nga lang tatagal
dahil nga, malabo, at sayang

pano ba natin linagyan
ng kahulugan ang ating samahan?
yung yakap ba o yung halik?
o dala lang ng pagiging baguhan?

nadaan nga lang ba sa ganun?
sa dahilang ganun katagal magkakilala?
inisip ko, sana hindi nagkaganito
sana di na lang tayo nagkita

pero sino ba tayo para alamin?
itong kahihinatnan natin?
tanong ko na lang sa yo
masaya ka ba nung tayo'y magkasama?

sabihin ko na rin sa yo
masaya ako pag kasama ka
kaso, sa bawat hatid ko sa yo
parang sabi ko sa sarili ko, ayoko na

hindi naman sa ako'y naglaro
hindi naman sa binale wala kita
meron talagang bagay na ganun
maramdaman ang isang bagay, tapos mawawala

lahat naman tayo umaasa di ba?
na sana "yun na", o kaya "siya na"
meron talagang bagay na ganun
sabihin mo ito na, pero hindi pa pala

di ko alam kung pano mo ko haharapin
pero eto na ko, hinarap na kita
hindi ako takot na baka magalit ka sa kin
naging totoo lang ako, dahil minahal kita

- Pauline Schroeder

A poem I dug up from my first blog. Just wanted to share it here. Back then I used Pauline Montejo, but I'll put it under the Schroeder moniker. As the title of the poem suggest, it was made on the 28th of January, year 2003. It's three months away before my great depression happened.

how ironic it is
when at last,
i could look into your eyes
without regrets
and no pretensions
that the season for you
has ended
and that mine
has just begun
how tragic it is
that you always had my heart
while my mind kept you
from it
don't worry dearest
i have with me all the letters
the scents, the memories
that will let me live some
before i too
find a home for my heart
but until then
let me cry a little
for just these things and more
let me sing a little
of those songs i sang to you
let me read a little
of your scented written words
and lastly ...
let me dream a little
that your warmth
was once mine
so please
don't blame me if i
just hold on to you
for a little more while
let me mourn a little
that i am, and will only be
an invisible past

My beloved batchmate has just sent the pics for Arkansas. This is what will be waiting for me if they send me there ...





I like wide open spaces ... but not this kind of boring farmland. Walnut Creek was a bit livelier >_<

There are moo-cows even -_- guess I'll live up to the farmboy image

Happened to see a picture of me about this time last year ... with hair!



I think I was reading Bob Ong's book here =_= And someone thought I was Korean o_O

I've read this in a Filbar's poster, one of those inspirational ones

"A lot of the fricion in life are caused by the wrong tone of voice."

Quite true. Even though I am more adept in writing my thoughts, I wouldn't want to have it being peppered by smileys and stuff just so people know I am being my goofy self.

More often than not, without those smileys, people think I'm either serious, mean, or whatever unpleasant mood they could think of, be it e-mails, chatrooms or forums. Heck, even when I'm sincere people think I'm being sarcastic.

And it's only through the tone of voice that has kept me from being skewered alive, even though I'm simply being honest with the people I like.

Right now I just noticed I still have a can of Fita on my desk. I haven't opened it for a long time.

And I'm afraid to open it now o_O what do I do?

*having rock band dreams ... singing ...*

Last night I was snooping at my Friendster account and found three of the people I dated on top of the bulletin boards. Friendster itself bore me, just a nexus to connect to people I know. But add to that fact, I like to keep friends who are indeed, friends.

The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight

First on the list is someone I've helped canvass a laptop in Greenhills. She's a sweet person, I was awed by the fact she knows how to argue, even with someone up above her league. Not the bitch-type, rant argue, but something that actually made sense. It stemmed from the fact that she likes philosophy (which I only skim at the surface) and pyschology (Freud is gay).

And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air

I guess I was too slow for her and she told me I'm dense, yet she went on with me >_< When my head began aching for thinking what she's thinking, we came to a nasty conclusion -- she was dating two other guys >_< She did say she was sorry, and she couldn't explain to herself why she couldn't be honest with me. Was I played? Who knows ...

And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops

For a time I tried to save our friendship, but she's adamant about how bad she felt. I never cared much for that, for I understood that she's only disillusioned with the jerks she had for men and still continue hounding her. But I guess there are somethings I have no power to mend, no matter how hard I knock on her door.

Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly...
Exactly what I need

The second one was seraphim -- my beloved ex. She was the one who saved me from the Dark Ages of my life. God knows how much I'll rot in hell for breaking her heart for wanting to end the relationship. I was happy for her when she found someone who made her whole again after me. She was as firey as she was headstrong, traits that would've repelled 80~90% of the male population. Many a times I felt that talking to her was a harrowing experience, always having her guard up and ready to defend herself from an attack >_< probably because of her line of work, having to rub with all those politicos and those law suits aiming for your ass.

From up here the city lights burn
Like a thousand miles of fire

Yet fire is as burning as it is warming. There never was a time I felt unloved, and she was proof that it doesn't have to be complicated. That it can be clear as simple "yes" or "no". On her blog though she mentioned that she felt I was the most difficult to reach emotionally, and that I was out there looking afar dreaming of a fantasy girlfriend. Little does she know I was more like dreaming of Final Fantasy -- something I don't think she can relate herself with >_< darn

And I'm here to sing this anthem
Of our dying day

I smiled a bit when she mentioned in her blog that even though I decided to go away, she couldn't find in herself to be mad at me. I wish for her to understand that it was something I had to do for myself. And whatever else of a reason I had then, all is forgotten now.

For a second I wish the tide
Would swallow every inch of this city

The third? Let's just say it was an unfortunate thing that all the wisdom (instead of pa-cute gimmicks) I learned I tried on her. Effect? She got overwhelmed >_< Having two mental giants as track records, I should've toned myself down a bit. Her funny post at the bulletins would have her going again with that vicious cycle she seems to feel no pain for. I guess she's too fearless to ever see anything beyond today.

As you gasp for air tonight
I'd scream this song right in your face

~~~

So here I am, sitting. It's unfortunate that I played this game way too late. I still have a lot to learn. The only thing I can trust in now, is that my heart will still pull through even with the stitches and the fresh wounds.

Are you still out there? Or have I met you already? Or you're already here with me?

If you were here
I swear I won't miss a beat
Cause I never
Never have before