The Terrible Writings of Quentin Montejo
Serial experiments on a fallen archangel who only wanted to regain just one wing back
The Beautiful World
One of Marge's shots. Beautiful.

This is Caleruega, which is in Batangas.
Greenhills: After the Snow
I went to greenhills with a cherubim {tee hee} and was awed at how much the place has changed. Gone are the closed-knit alleys were tons of all-stuff are jam-packed with wares. It is now replaced by a mall, neat, air-conditioned, orderly, and boring. The place has become real spacious, with the tiangge still located somewhere in a crude, unrefined room. Ironically, that's where most of the people are at. We looked for PS2 deals and had to hurry it up because closing time was eight.

I would have imagined this place to be crowded during the peak of the holiday season. Now it's nicely tolerable. What I lament is the fact that the old haunting places (the third floors I guess) are gone. Places where people of geekdom and poor hygiene mingle amongst the elite to battle it out in games both card and electronic in nature.

The cherubim got hungry so we ate dinner where there's kimchi :}


Oh yeah. Went to my first jogging session today. I am soo out of shape. I woke up 5 in the morning, and lied back to bed at about 8 (hehe). My legs are swollen.
Spring Cleaning
I've started cleaning out the gunk of years past as early as today (didn't wait for New Year).

- flushing out stuff in my wallet that has been in there for years. Yeap, the only thing old in there should be my college id. Heck my ex two years ago is still in there o_O
- stuff in my office drawer ... mostly documents. Reminds me to get a request for getting all my things that was stored by logistics years ago, including two of my most precious belongings -- my college diary and my laptop's plug-in dvd player

I'm going to trash out old calling cards and stuff, and get a fresh new set. I just got a bald haircut last night, and bought a new pair of running shoes. Starting tomorrow, I'm going out jogging again and melt away all those carbos-turned-fats that's been renting on my tummy.

I never did like becoming buff. I just want to be stupid strong minus the 'ahnold' bulges. Fortunately, my roommates installed a nifty set of bars I could pull up myself with. I tried it, and ... I couldn't lift all 170 lbs of myself (which btw, makes me a heavy man for my slimmish body type).

I really need that jog. I've discovered years ago that it's one of the few things that cleanses my mind whenever I think too much about something. I would've preferred swimming but it's too much of a hassle compared to the open road just outside. It's a good thing some sort of phenomenon has adjusted my body clock to wake up at around five in the morning.

So there you have it folks. My plans for next year? I could probably be out of the country or something (hope not, the money is good tho). I'll study for another certification exam (SCWCD for those techies who know). If things look up, I'd like to date only one person next year, I just hope the chocolates I gave her for Christmas count for something, I can only hope though. Anyway, I'll go places some more, hopefully not drink some more *tee hee* or I would be jogging at twice the rate.

I'll be buying a new set of barongs and pants. Maybe I could do it tonight -_-

*munches on pistachio nuts*

I'm sort of excited at the prospect of a new year coming up. Never felt this way in a long time.
To the Good People of Christmas
To date, I have about six circles of friends (ranging from 5 to 30 each). And it makes it all worthwhile to have gifts from them all :} So right now my desktop is brimming with stuff that I need to organize before it looks like a mini-jungle (sans the wrappings and ribbons and greeting cards).

So to the good people of Christmas, thanks to you all :} you are all kind and I'm using all of these gifts right now. Except this shower gel. How do I use this?

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Poetry: Lamig Sa Iyong Kamay
- Q.Montejo

This is a prose experiment on words ... the three line stanza is just to make things easier to read. This is for warm-hearted people (me? hehehe) pursuing heartless people, hence cold hands :D

Hanggang sa pag-uwi
Amoy sigarilyo pa ang damit
Dahil lasing na naman ako

At walang pakiramdam kamay ko
Hindi ako nalulungkot
O hihigang magulo ang isip

Basta, wala akong pakiramdam
Sabay inaantok na at pagod
Bakit nga ba ako gising pa?

Iniisip na naman ba kita?
Sana nga, kasi buhay pa ako
Nananaginip ng mulat

Matagal ko nang tinigil
Ang hulaan ang mga iniisip mo
Wala rin naman e, mali rin ako

Kaya alam mo ginawa ko?
Ginawa kong madali akong basahin
Ayoko kitang pahirapan

Ngunit tama kaya ginawa ko?
Na huwag itago ang tungkol sa kin?
Hindi rin naman ako makalapit e

Pero hindi mo rin ako pinalalayo
Siguro isa akong buwan na umiikot
Sa isang planetang berde at asul

Nanlalamig dahil di ko ramdam
Kung paano lumapit sa tulad mo
Drama ko no? Minsan na nga lang e

Basta ang alam ko lang ngayon ay
Kung nanlalamig kamay mo
Tatakluban ko yan ng kamay ko

Dahil lang para sa iyo
Lagi itong buhay at nakakaramdam
Para sa yo, hindi ko pauulanin ...
Dont You Cry
I don't know if I have a soft spot for kids, what I can't stand is seeing them cry. I was a crybaby myself *tee hee*

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I'm wearing my Christmas gifts on that picture btw. The shirt and the shoes *hint* *hint* I had to be the impromptu emcee, which I'm not sure was a good idea anyway. I just like holding the microphone and making wise-cracks throughout the event. At least I have audience impact >:}
Letters from a Fixture in the Sky
Last night I got letters from two women I adore and love (one of them has her blog over there at the left *hint* *hint*). Both of them are in the US and have posted about them many times in my blog. It somehow gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling that despite the distance in miles and in time, they find it in their busy schedules to think about some urban hermit procastinating the nights away in drunken stupor (wait a minute, I'm never drunk).

I've forgotten what I've really done or have done for them but you know, things like this do mean to me (a new pair of shoes also mean to me hee hee, I'll post about it next week). So somehow my dream of dying cold and alone on top of a hill at night might be too farfetched after all.


hello! merry christmas, happy new year, happy birthday! how are you?

it's our christmas party on saturday. we'll be spending it in one of the houses here (pinoy din). i hope it'll be fun.

i have been reading the curious incident of the dog in the night-time. i have not finished it yet, but i think you'll like it. go grab a copy of your own, and i know you'll thank me for recommending this to you.

sorry if my letter is like a bulleted note. that's exactly how my thoughts are. no specific constructions, just a bunch of random thoughts given out piecemeal.

it's started to feel cold here. it snowed once, but it didn't last the whole day. by late afternoon, the streets were wet with melted snow. they say that's how it is here in arkansas. it does not really snow as thickly as in the other states.

i'm wearing turtle neck shirts and thermals everyday. i'm not sure i can ever manage walking out the door without these on. brrr!

i am missing my family so much. i don't want to say anything more because i know i'll just cry (sniff..)

have you heard michael buble's home? i like it so much it breaks my heart (sniff.. sniff..)

we just went back from chicago, where we celebrated thanksgiving and waltz's birthday. it was so much fun, i hope we may come back!

i still have to buy waltz a christmas gift. i think i know what to give him, i'm just not sure if i can afford. i'll probably end up buying him a tshirt instead. hehe!

i just had a terrible encounter with one of the pinoys here. pls don't ask ivy about this because i'm really not comfortable hearing my story spoken by another person. let's just say it was unpleasant, but it was such an opportune moment to show them i have class and breed. ang taray! :)

so all in all, i'm ok, waltz is ok. we're missing home, but i guess, this is home now. if only christmases allow for people to travel in a wave of one's hand, to just be with those who matter most. i better stop being sappy no?

so, where's my christmas gift???


Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime -- Got it.

And here's to you two beautiful people both in heart and in face (nyehehe: sorry can't help it), Merry Christmas and may you both have all the love in the world!
After Thoughts for a Selfless Day
Yesterday, I went to a Christmas gift giving arranged by the good people of hifi. It somehow refreshes my mind at how unimportant my troubles were by simply looking at how kids just run around and be unmindful of us 'adults' who's fretting at each detail of the event.

I somehow got reminded of what is like to be just happy. How? Simple. Just be. Just one strong, simple, no-buts, unconditional, conviction-filled statement. I guess when people grow old, they put a lot of bread coating on what really is important that they lose sight of what they need to do to get it.

There's one other thing that's been bugging me that day. I have a lot of godkids back home. But it's just now that when Mags held a baby (well, every female likes holding babies), that there's some sort of paternal instinct running through my head. I'm too egoistic to really admit it (and would probably not show it) but I do get that weird, unnerving feeling.

And one last thought ...

... And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

Geez, she really is getting prettier everytime I see her. Just being beside her makes me happy. I am not sure if it was a good thing my hands were numb when I moved her aside when she was blocking the tv.

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
The male adolescent still in me can't get enough of this anime/manga title. It was only about a year ago or so when I got hold of Berserk and absolutely loved it, both of the art and the story line. Ofcourse this one is not for the fainthearted because therein contains blood, gore, violence, sex, and all sorts of black human emotions.

But don't let that fool you off.

This is also about strength, courage, bravery, loyalty, friendship, and love. The ultimate journey of a man from madness and back, and the very thing that eats the hearts of all people who lived and breathed on this earth -- why is there a God? And why should we believe in him if your life is but a sacrifice?

Enter the one-eyed swordsman, Guts as he endured all the pain that can be inflicted on a human being, as well as his pyshopathic struggle with the spirit of the berserker inside him whose only intent on destroying everything even those he he swore to protect.

The story isn't finished by Miura-sensei, and I must say, it is an astounding epic worthy of all medieval fantasy fiction fans like me. Only an eastern mind can turn a western-themed opera this unique. <3 Miura

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Random Thoughts: That Eating Feeling
My head is in a bit of a see-saw the past weeks. Sometimes I wish my earphones are permanently stuck to my ear drums because the thoughts in my mind are getting pretty loud and is on a continuous replay. As usual, I diagnosed my condition in a professional manner and prescribed my own cure. I put all the solutions to a desktop note and put in front of me where I can always see it.

Reading it will remind me how I can get off of it (I forget easily). I'm giving myself at least another week to stabilize my synapses -- get things reprioritized and in perspective. Rethink what is and what is not important. And not forget, to be kind to myself. I mean if I lose me, then I won't enjoy stuff anymore.

Sigh. I wonder if I'm the only one like this in the family?

I have an interesting play on the words heart, soul, and mind. This was again related to that monologue post I had. Sounds really lame and straight out from some inspirational book, but it's too good to pass up because I'm a sucker for these anyway.

When my heart speaks through my mind, I become an adviser
When my mind speaks through my soul, I become a story teller
When my soul speaks through my heart, I become a friend
When my heart speaks through my soul, I become a romantic
When my mind speaks through my heart, I become a poet
When my soul speaks through my mind, I become a philosopher

*plays You and Me by Lifehouse*
I Want to Buy A Car
I could only buy a secondhand one at the moment though (if I want one fast), but is impractical at my state of habitation. I've calculated it a bit and the money I spend on the rents and the transpo fee will far be cheaper than using them wheels. My dad and aunt have been advicing me to take on the wheel for our van but I'm just too lazy and aside from the fact that there's a lot of other things I can do on the passenger seat :}

I prefer biking. But I have a balance problem =_=
The Deep Cut
"On any given Sunday you’re gonna win or you’re gonna lose. The point is — can you win or lose like a man?"
-Tony D'Amato, Any Given Sunday

I'm not sure if the things I post in this blog make me look like a softie (well, I really don't care, heh). But it goes for the record that I can make difficult decisions and stand by it. I've given up my love for arts for a course that would actually benefit me in the long run. Well, not I'm going to enumerate each and everything I did so as not to look like a self-important buffoon.

Seriously, at least one person knows what I can do. Perhaps the only person who believes in me and is still believing in me -- my beloved mom (and well my auntie ... I have two moms). So for you Mama, I love you and Merry Christmas. I may not fulfill that one promise to you, but I'm sure above all, you're the woman with the strongest heart and and whose mind is the hardest of steel :*}
Stream of Thought: Listening to Kundiman
I noticed a bunch of mp3s that I got from somewhere. It's a collection of Kundiman songs. I listened to it just for kicks, and got transported back in time. You see, I'm a child of the barrio. Back in my childhood days in Cavite, I could still hear these songs from a musty radio/cassette player in a barber shop in Silang where I get my haircut. The old timers there (the barbers) were a gentle group of souls, who could sing well themselves, with the same characteristic coolly-tinted voice fit for a harana piece.

Kundiman songs are basically all full of romantic, selfless, and sometimes tragic, love. Not sure if that's the technical definition though.

Going back further in time, I could still recall my old elementary school, where there used to be relics from the rustic and easy era -- cotton bedsheets made yellow by time, metallic bedposts, even a coal-powered iron. I could almost imagine how these songs were being heard complete with the rough opulence of a culture long gone. The air must've been more chilly back then, and the scent of oils used to soften the strands of locks must've permeated the cathedrals and gatherings.

The fragrance of night-blooming flowers must've also thickened the air during the summer and maybe during simbang gabi. The classic guitars with their nylon strings must've made the air sweeter, and the kundiman songs just color the night with flowing velvet.

Ah, things that cannot be anymore ...
Prose: Raising the Walls
- Q.Montejo

There's one thing I realized today
And that is how people like making walls
Some thick as bricks, some built with
An infinite material of nothingness
I for one, felt the wall you put up
To keep a fool like me from getting near
But I also felt the walls I made myself
Against those who were doing the same for me
What a funny thing these imaginary things
It's intagible yet is impenetrable and dull
It's even made with mortar made of vacuum
Which can prevent words from reaching through

I touch the wall you built yourself for me
At least, I'm with something that belongs to you
I trace your name on the cold, uncaring surface
And with my inkless fingers, I wrote my name too
It's A Beautiful Morning
I've been coming to the office real early the past couple of days, around 7 to 7:30 in the morning. And it feels so good to enjoy the slight chill in the air in Ortigas. After taking in a good breakfast, I sit on my workstation happily working while listening to a batch of mp3s.

I might get used to this. So long as I wake up at 5:30 am -- which the reason for still boggles me, as my cellphone is set to alarm at 6:25. Let's see for how long I could keep this up. The downside for this is that I'll miss watching Naruto in Hero channel.

Oh well, can't have them all. I'll be in Dencio's Metrowalk tonight, but no drinking for me :} I sort of detest the taste of beer the past few days.
Poetry: Maybe Someday
- Q.Montejo

Strangely happy today for some reason. Here's a diddly, simple poem, not much :}

Maybe someday you'll look my way
Though today your eyes belong not to me
But to things I know not, maybe care not
To which someday I would like to see

Amidst the smoke of your cigarettes
You'd probably won't see me at all
The calm exterior I project and set
Is a big commercial sign that rudely call

"Disturb me" or "Step on me" or "Hey you"
Yet you sit there, just cool and unmindful
While a hundred world wars have come and gone
Inside my head, where lives something beautiful

A simple thought, a cloud puff and then some
One you wouldn't hear with all the noise
Made by the clinks those beer bottles make
As I push away these words on my cellphone toy ...
Why Loving The Craft?
I'm on a posting row :}

When technologies are starting out. I think Rails would be a good example of this now, JBoss an example of years past, you need the fans. The people who use something because they love it, because they see what it can be, and because they feel a personal connection to it. They will defend it even when they are wrong, they will tell as many people as they can about it, and a % of them will spend their time making the technology better.
- Matt Giacomini, The Server Side

I guess geeks still know something about love, do we not? Regardless if it is not even human ... we just you know, stick to just one out of all the foolish reasons. After all, this world is so vast that success stories come out from the persistent, as well as from the lucky.

But, here's another good one

>> To be productive you have to be Fan of the tools you use.

I disagree. Being too much of a fan of any tool tends to blind you to better possibilities and to the weaknesses of the tools you love. To play off an old saying, if you love your hammer too much, all your problems tend to look much like nails. A more objective and detached view of the tools available leads to better decision making. Tool love is an indicator of professional immaturity. (I grant you that tool like makes your job more enjoyable.)

- William Childers, The Server Side

I usually spend hours reading these people (either to bash or to banter). Good experience :}
The Twisted World of Gantz
One of the best fucked up anime/manga title I've come across is Gantz. I find it to have a very interesting storyline where the protagonist deals with the change of becoming an asswipe coward, into a charismatic leader whom everyone respects (shower in a several episodes of dismemberment, fornication, flesh dissolved in acid, and you get the picture).

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The plot is mental in itself, and the cast of characters give the flavor to the brew. Oh wait did I say that the lead character started as an asswipe coward turning into a charismatic leader? Now how bout this, what if he turns back into an asswipe coward? Interesting eh?

I sure as hell wouldn't want to be turned back the way I used to. Ugh.
Last Saturday
I'm going to post something about Saturday. Damn, I need those pictures :}
Now They're Getting Noisy
Er, now I gave them names, my head has become a really noisy place to be in. So now, I am listening to loud music just to blast them off.

After that recent post about Me, Myself, and I, I sort of have a revelation -- things are easier to understand about me now. And this is the frightening part -- what the fuck, I don't think like a guy, I think like a girl (er ... no offense to my femme readers *hee hee*). Whatever pyscho-analysis this one holds, I leave it up to you guys.

If I don't have things easy, I most probably will change my mind because two of me are basically at odds with each other. I guess I need to do some, 'one with nothing' sort of mental exercise. Geez, now I feel like my head is a chatroom from day 1.
Inside Quentin's Head
Though of putting this nifty mental idea down. I'm going to give names to three personalities I have (yes, sorry, I'm not normal anyway). Here they are :}

Francis - my original personality. He is moody, brooding, and beset by strong emotions. He's been lately on the surface the last posts, perhaps because he's been too distraught by a few recent events. He's the product of me being a sick kid, yet he is the most thoughtful, caring, and sensitive. Downside is, he's a wimp, and has dominated a good early part of my life up until college freshman. Xenophobic and an introvert, he's usually more trouble than help during normal situations. He's my heart.

Anche - the playful, carefree personality. If there's anything obnoxious going on, this is the guy who's doing it. He's basically a tripper, but only edging at tactlessness. Currently, he's the personality who comes to office everyday just to goof off. He wasn't actually born up until college, when I encountered all sorts of assholes and mavericks alike. A crowd pleaser, he can be charismatic given the spotlight. He's my soul.

Quentin - let's just say, he is the most serious of all three. One ironic thing about it, is that he is Francis' opposite on a lot of views on things (Anche being the neutral, as he really don't care) and is the source of most of his mental crashes. His blood is philosophy, and ironically, he's the maker of poetry and the controller of the drawing hand (as well as being the cusser). The logical decisions that he makes are not always foolproof, but he's the backbone when things go wrong. He's my mind.


So there, I'd like to put in a sample of these three just bashing each other. Topic? Well, this one favorite person lately ...

Francis: I'm falling for her (see post somewhere below).
Quentin: What the fuck are you talking about? You barely even know the person.
Francis: So? We've always been doing things your way, now it's my turn.
Quentin: You daft moron, what's this about your turn? It has always been your turn, you with that 'follow your heart' cliche.
Anche: Hi guys. We need to do laundry :}
Francis: Ok, then who was the one doing the ... awk, nevermind. We have a situation here. We need to get our act together.
Quentin: For once I agree with you. But you're not part of this act.
Francis: What?!
Quentin: You heard me.
Francis: Like you can do that. I'm the cupid that drives all of this, remember?
Quentin: Fuck I remember. And we were so fucking messed up that time and look what happened. We wasted YEARS. Let's do it RIGHT for once ok?
Anche: I'm hungry :(
Francis: Look, I obviously don't like you then and I don't like you now. So what will be the speed this time?
Quentin: Do it like the recent advice given to us. Take your time. She's not going anywhere. Even if she did go somewhere, just be thankful that you were given the chance to know her.
Francis: I like a success story pleaze.
Anche: I'm texting her now :} "You are the apple of my kalamay ..."
Quentin: God you stupid idiot, stop making those pointless messages. She doesn't dig it ok? It's not too hard to figure that out. Especially you Francis, that mush mess you send her is NOT helping.
Francis: Hey, we'll never know. Who knows, she might get accustomed to it :}
Quentin: Just ... stop it ok. I'm sure that online flirting you doing was not a good thing. Good thing I stopped it because at least she now talks to you -- well, almost. And notice that she only responds if your messages were actually important.
Francis: Yeah yeah. So can we like, message her five times today?
Quentin: *evil eye*
Anche: That's a yes *hee hee*
Quentin: You better not be doing those missent messages thing. That is just so fake.
Francis: I think it's cute :}
Anche: Yeah, fruit!
Quentin: Guys. Be serious. I'm sure all of you at least know that she's really something.
Francis: Wow, you're beginning to sound like me. Just say it, it's ok :}
Quentin: Fuck you.
Anche: Ahaha!
Francis: All I'm afraid of is that you doing analysis paralysis again and letting her go.
Anche: Me love her like tootsie-pops :}
Quentin: That was then okay? And this one is a different person? Do you get me?
Francis: So when do we make something for her?
Quentin: I have no idea.
Anche: How about give her a sketch drawing of an anime character :} That would be so kewl
Francis: Yeah!
Quentin: I can do that. But we need to give it to her in a casual sort of way.
Francis: So long as you don't take too long that we get low blood sugar level.
Anche: I'm cool.
Quentin: Shut up.
Bits of Prose I
I've always wanted to fly
Since I have no wings
I will run
But if I have no legs
I will have my eyes
To see far beyond the horizon
And if I am blind
I can always imagine
The endless blue

I can't be held back
I am free

Cooler Nights
"I think there's something on my nose".

That was the thought that was annoying me while eating dinner with her. She had a hefty serving of salad, while I had Angel Hair Pomorododowhatever (it has this really thin pasta). Just so I could stop fiddling with my nose, I just bent my head a bit downward. Anyway, I'm near-sighted, so it was better looking at her eyes without my glasses. Maybe I should have asked her if I am chinky -- I think I have large eyes.

"There's one thing I like when December comes".
"Really? What is it"?
"When the coffee flowers bloom".

The night was not as cool as some other nights that passed by. At least it's nice that it's not chilly (or not nice?). My fingers weren't numb enough after that gunfight bout, though I secretly like racing cars even though it's been almost like a decade since I've been behind the wheel. I tested her punches, and am glad to say it's strong enough to put sense back into me when I'm being a jerk :}

"I hate food colored blue."
"Yeah, it's so unnatural".

Met a few friends while walking to Starbucks. For sure, there'll be like fifteen other people who will know in the morning :$ so much for keeping things private -_-

I wonder if she'd like to watch Kingkong again?
Mental Weakness
Just read a post on a thread I made in hifi that having emotions getting the better of you is a sign of mental weakness. Perhaps add the qualifier on how often it happens (as humans cannot truly be void of them).

That made me think because I used to say that a lot to other people. Up until I met someone whom I can't say is mentally weak as she's at the same time, emotionally tenacious. Makes sense? She is so at home with her emotions that she knows how to use it. If it hurts, she cries. After that, she smiles. She knows the cycle of it, so she's not afraid of just letting all out.

I would have told her many times that, wow, you're such a whining cry baby and it's really annoying. But I didn't. I told her being that way is being weak. She replied by saying, but being weak doesn't mean being wrong.

Somehow I couldn't contest with that.
Got this from patty-poo.

Your Birthdate: January 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet.
You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily.
Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail.
You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details.

Your strength: Your supreme genius

Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity

Your power color: Gold

Your power symbol: Star

Your power month: January
Han-Tze the Half-Heart
I've identified the one flaw that's been plaguing me -- half-heartedness. Noticing the post I've made a few days ago, as well as a random banter from another person, I think I know what's bringing me down.

It all makes sense now. The thoughts about me only going half way and waiting for that somebody to do the same, the frequent thougths about not having passion about anything anymore, the distance I preserve from every people.

I guess I have to tell myself to go the mile. As well as the extra mile.

Now I sound really ridiculous right now. *Kzzzzt*
Baggy Baggy Clothes
Wore my normal office attire. I think I really lost weight. Baggy clothes feel comfortable to wear but it's not my style -_-

Shop? Help!
Random Thoughts: I'll Be Alright
Forget the time it's nothing
We touch and see
All this is fine
Even as it crashes down on me
Looking around there's nothing
That I could want
More than to tell you
There's no more that we've already got

I'm just putting this post up for a couple of sorries for two kiddos. Sometimes I project that I'm a total wreck and I would worry people. Take for example my friend Tsilu who was asking how I was doing one time. My reply:

Hi, I'm in the hospital. I tried to commit suicide.

I'm every inch a crazy guy, but not bonkers enough in the head to do such a thing. Though I admit I did attempt it many times during highschool by trying not to breathe (which is a medical impossibility btw).

Then there's Zee, who's a recent witness to my melodrama, knew that I was sick on the last beer guzzle session. Told her I'm out of some fever the morning after but is still ill. She asked what was wrong and I replied:

I have cancer.

Ok, I'm sure it was a farfetched sort of situation to be even remotely believable, but I think I've hit too hard on that >:D Sorry.

Now as my friends know, I have no habits that can be considered hazardous to my health. I don't puff, I drink every once in a while but I do prefer wine actually. I'm a careful goof who don't go out there catching some disease to spread as I don't play around. If I was any more of a square than I am now I would be a really boring person.

But! As luck would have had it, I have a few screws loose, and there's no screwdriver for it :}
Turn the Coin
Lately I've been using the word choose a lot. So to make things good for a change, I'll choose to post something besides the usual gripes/rants/etc. Because if I do too much of those I might lose my status as that handsome rebel without a cause. Ok.

First off there're the Christmas parties. I'm sure all of you out there will be having some of this in some form. Be it office, or school, or office. And our little office version will be an anime costume event. Now, this is quite up my ally, but not the "dressing" up part. I mean that is just so cosplay.

Looking at myself at the mirror, I have these candidates for a costume

- Itachi Uchiha (w/ the glasses) *unfortunately, I don't have rowdy enough hair for the 'do, but I do have those weird eye-cheek lines. I'm comfortable with his personality too
- Gaara *probably easiest for me. All I need now are some heavy eyeliners and something to cover my eyebrows. Some henna tatoos and a big gourd are things I need to worry about.
- ... ok, fuck, I dunno what else. Lunar Legend Tsukhime? Mirmo de Pon? LOL
Death To Me
Tonight I just blew it. A chance to really get to be with someone I like and it got away. The funny part is, this is the first time it happened to me. It just so happens that when you're with other people and they say things, it suggests to your mind what to say and think you know? Sort of like mob mentality if you know such a phrase.

I was falling for her, but my mind is telling me to wait, examine, and see.

The good thing about this, is that I was able to test my maturity. I think I fared pretty well. I'm still a bit analyzing what my state of mind was, and how I'll be able to react to it on a similar situation.

Still, this one is hard for me. I was prepared for a lot of things. Just not at this stage where things are just starting and could possibly be the start of a good thing. I take only calculated risks. Perhaps I miscalculated this time.

Then again, I'm just human. I make mistakes, I get hurt at the things I do myself, but the point is, there's a lesson learned.

Add to mine heart that was breaking, there's a matter with my family that breaks my heart as well. Sometimes you know, you just become tired always trying to be strong for everybody else -- and there's none on my side to be strong for me.
Turning 29
A month to go.

I've reached late 20s yet still, I feel no less different than when I arrived at my early 20s. Heck things are even better. I am no longer afraid of a lot of things, where I am going for one thing.

I find it funny when people think I'm intimidating, when back then I'm actually xenophobic. I'd go away in long trips to the coffee plantations by myself when mom has visitors in the house. I wouldn't even want to be seen by my neighbors :} Right now, I barely know their names even, some of them being my own close relatives.

Nowadays, I bask in the presence of people when they're around. I still prefer being with myself ofcourse, being the solitary creature of darkness and gloom that I am. I guess that's one trait that made me a bad boyfriend (hello my beloved exs :}). Perhaps I should warn them of that one next time, haha.

Also, back then, my mind was still soaked with a canned mindset shoved by my beloved parents. It did serve a good purpose, but I grew out of it and had to think really for my own.

Still, there are a lot of things that have not changed. I'm more potential than kinesis. That's why I need someone with fire. If you know what I mean.

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