I was checking out the drafts in my blog.

Came across this around 5th of January last year. It kind of sounded cool. Some of the sentences are incomplete ofcourse, especially the last. Some of you might know to whom this was for. Its title was "A Rant on You".

Is it because you're too burnt with your last relationship that you're too afraid now? Several months ago when I met you, I hit a nail on the head when I said that you were 'disillusioned' about love. Today, along with dates with a few other guys, you are still disillusioned about love. And now you said you are not chasing love for a while. All the guys you've dated were more or less jerks. Then you make an exception. Yes, your exempted me. We've seen each other for the most the past year and you've never included me in your jerk list.

Then why still afraid? If you are keen to express to me what you feel about it all, then have you considered how I feel? Sometimes I feel like shit. No, honestly. We're friends yes, no doubting that. If only as a friend, I wouldn't mind not telling me anything at all when I ask about your day or just greet. But you've already seen and known and felt, that I don't only want to be your friend. And that's jut You're afraid of being hurt? You want it easy? Then think about what it's doing to me. You've already hurt me and I'm already having it hard. But have I complained other than now? No. Hell, NO. I have never told you those. Why? Because I figure

I will do two things. I will not wait for you.


This one was on February ... it's originally entitled "Burnt Out Thoughts". A follow up for the one above.

This morning I woke up having to think about her continually ignoring me whatever it is I do. Now I am left with nothing more than having ill thoughts about her. I don't want to, but it is simply the thing that is happening. Is she doing it out of Spite? or Revenge? I was trying to read between the lines, still trying understand even when she stopped talking to me altogether. Or did she distanced herself because she honestly believes she treated me like shit? In a way, I do even though I mailed her like it was not. I stubbornly couldn't accept that she said that "she is a mess" and that I should avoid her like the plague. The thing is, I have no such intentions ... it is she who kept running away. Or maybe it is mind control o_O

Right now I believe, that no matter how you say that you are mature for your age, you simply cannot deny the fact that you are still young. That no matter how much it is you know how to fly a helicopter, if your hands couldn't reach the controls, then you'll end up falling.

I gave her a piece of my heart (or some other internal organ). Oh I can live without it ofcourse. It just you know? It calls to me when my mind is empty and in the gloom of the moment when my duties and cares have left me alone, it's there. It's simply there. Like that pile of laundry sitting in front me.

All I can do now I guess, is to do a clean up of my mind. I don't have to dwell on needlessness. With all the effort I can muster, I should, as usual, leave her alone. I have tried to meet her halfway. And in her method of resolving things by simply ignoring me so *I just might disappear*, it only makes me feel more like shit.

And in this shittier state of mind, I am letting it complete its life cycle and expect it to naturally burn itself off from my system.


It's almost like ... deja vu ...