My 2nd meme :<

Batang bata ka pa ang akala mo na
Alam mo na ang lahat ng kailangan mong malaman
Buhay ay di ganyan
Tanggapin mo na lang ang katotohanan
Na ikaw ay isang musmos lang na wala pang alam
Makinig ka na lang, makinig ka na lang ...

Ganyan talaga ang buhay
Laging kang nasasabihan
Pagka't ikaw ay bata
At wala pang nalalaman
Makinig ka sa king payo
Pagka't musmos ka lamang
...
Malaman ng maaga
Ang wasto sa kamalian ...

Damn, that album is so good to mine ears ...

I got the meme =_=

Hindi ko alam
Kung bakit ka ganyan
Mahirap kausapin at di pa namamansin
Di mo ba alam
Ako'y nasasaktan
Ngunit di bale na basta't malaman mo na

Mahal kita, mahal kita
Hindi ito bola

ang bola ay tumatalbog
ang betlog ay kumakalog o_O

Since nobody here knows the person who sent me this, I had the guts to post it here, I've renamed people as well so confidentiality is more or less preserved XD

~~~

There I was, happily playing RAN online when I noticed my phone is ringing

(private number)
Her: Hey, where are you?
Me: Hell, I'm inside some dingy internet cafe o_O
Her: (laughs) I have sent something in your mail
Me: Oh ok.
Her: ...
Her: ...
Me: Oh you mean I'm going to read it now? o_O
Her: Yeah you nincompoop. I'll call again after five minutes.

I was a bit annoyed, but then again, I shut off the RAN client ...

~~~

ok.. here's the deal.

first of all.. i'm telling you this because i believe -- deep in my heart -- that you're the only person i can trust in matters such as this. i believe, believe, believe that this is something that's just between you and me.. that's an AND there.. just you AND me. no one else.. ok? so please please.. please... let this be just between you and me ha?

remember the situation before -- the primary reason, probably, why we've become very good friends -- where you had this enormous bag of emotions towards ikarr6 (see, i still remember your pw. hehe!). now, notice that i did not use the word 'love' or something that's near that, basta you had something -- may malisya ka sa kanya, in short. haha! anyway, i digress -- remember too.. when you so wanted to tell her how you felt, what you felt, regardless of what she'll say or do or think. and remember too, when i told you DO NOT DO IT! speak not and forever hold your peace :) remember those times? remember those?

i hope you do.. because i may be in an almost similar situation now.

there is this guy .. ok, please don't scold me. please hear me out first before you shift your butt on whatever it is you're seating on :) wipe your sweat away, remove that smile (i know you're smiling right now), and listen to me like a big brother would.. no judgement please, just please.. hear me out.

there is this guy, who, by some twisted fate, has become close to me. you know me quentin, i can be really friendly and charming (hehe!) and sweet (wag kontra!) and nice (diba?) towards another guy, but to me .. it's just friendship. no hanky-panky. i better stop being defensive or else i won't get to tell the story. hay, ang hirap pala nito!

so.. i wasn't really paying him too much attention. he would send me messages and when the day's load is not too heavy, i would reply. pretty much like how we would exchange tnote messages then. until it came to a point where the exchanges were more frequent and the stories more personal. i began to look forward to those correspondences, not really for anything, but for the joy of knowing so much about another person. he would tell me about his plans of getting married (yes, he's spoken for, and as he claims, very much in love with his girl -- yeah, that thickens the plot). so the stories were mostly grounded on our plans, the future, what kind of family we want, how we want to pursue our dreams.. yada yada yada.

i do not really remember when he started dropping lines like 'hello ms beautiful' or 'i'll treat you out on a date' or 'william is such a lucky guy' or 'you don't see me but i see you.' all of these were written in a context that i read as WALA LANG. he's just being nice. quentin, i'm probably the most naive person you'll ever know. for the life of me, there's just no way i would begin to think that this guy has feelings for me beyond what is -- right. see, he knows i'm married, and i know he's committed. so just based on those, i know i'm on safe grounds in starting this friendship with him. wala akong kabalak-balak lumandi (inangkupu!). i'm loyal to my marriage, to my husband, to my vow.

until one day, he told me.. 'you are my 'what-if'. if i am not in this relationship, it would have been you.' man, i was dumbfounded. like a real sport, i tried to downplay his message, and all he said was 'manhid ka talaga.'

quentin.. help me. i'm confused.

to be honest, i like him. not in a romantic way, but it would really break my heart to lose him and his friendship. but when things go like this, how am i supposed to react? how am i supposed to act? madami ako tanong eh.. and i'm asking you all these because you're a guy, and you love me (i know, at wag ka nang papalag.hehe!) enough to tell me what's right and what's wrong. do you think he's telling me the truth? what would make a guy tell things like that? ikaw, even if you knew that ikarr6 was with someone, you still wanted to tell her how you felt. why? what compels you to do it? what do i do? what do i say? should i stop being friends with him?

am i just overreacting? masyado lang ba akong feeling? hahahah! sana nga ganun lang.

what what what ???

please reply asap!! i'm losing sleep over this :( i wish you were here...

~~~

I've taken about two to three reads just to get what she's saying, and then I replied

i wont scold you, kaw naman, sasakalin kita e.

first off, shake off those honey-coated words of what-if. there is no what-if. a what-if is looking backward and wasting time. there is only moving forward. of which you already are! a guy like that got you hooked, sorry to say. he must have been a good guy, but seriously, shove it.

the reason you might have been taken is because, for an instant, it felt new, or different, or probably cute o_O he probably has been feeling the same way and is using his so-called commitment to his girl to help him cope with it.

then after that, ask yourself, what is HE hoping to achieve with all that he has done?

kaya about Grace (ayan binanggit ko na), i was hoping to achieve that i may, at the back of my mind, had a chance to win her love. i didn't push through with what i feel because for one, i will achieve nothing. even if she knows, what's the point? i did what was right? naww, i did what i felt like doing regardless of what is right.

don't downplay what you feel, it's important ;)

you're not asking me what's right or wrong, you already know that naman e. you're asking me to tell you what you already know. what makes it hard is because your heart is running faster than your head.

~~~

After five minutes, she called and had a conversation, a pretty long one ... after that, I went back into the internet cafe ... played a couple of more hours ...

Kerberos is now level 112 !

thanks quentin.

you're right. i already know the answers to those questions.. maybe not to all of them, but only to those that i need answered so that i'll understand. i hate it when you know me so much it's like i'm talking to myself :)

thanks friend. you have no idea what you did to me, and what clarity of mind your words gave me. sometimes, i guess, yes.. there are words you expect to hear to validate or justify. but thank you for being so truthful to me. i really really appreciate that.

but i'm sad. i thought he'd be a good friend, you know. but realizing that he's done something that is not going to do any of us any good, sayang. pero tama ka rin. he has no control over his emotions. inadvertently, i may even have encouraged him to nurture those emotions. there, i said it. but then again.. i really just wanted a good, giddy, well-founded friendship. kaya nga ako na-windang nung napunta sa ganito. why can't things be just simple? but i guess if it were, there'll be no rooms for conversations like we had no? :)

i really want to keep him as a friend. pero wala na yung 'what if'. knowing that he feels like that towards me -- totoo man o hindi -- is, yeah, flattering. but it isn't something i would want to pursue. even if i wasn't married, i would never want to break another girl's heart. ako pa, babae din ako (saksesful ang operation fafa!). and i don't want that kind of game. if i were in his girl's shoes, it would break my heart to know that my boyfriend has another girl as option B.

i guess that's what i am huh? option B :(

hay.. i wish there'll be nicer, happier stories to tell when we talk again next time.. but then again, talking to you has always left me feeling good. i miss you! thank you for taking care of me even if we're 13 hours apart :) now don't go around town throwing 'what-ifs' in the wind, ok? sasakalin kita nang walang humpay, pramis! :)

take care!

~~~

Sigh. Life is ironic for me. Here I am throwing out my heart to the streets, and then comes her asking me what to do about matters of the heart. Wish I smoke cigarettes. At least I'd look cool =_=

Panalangin ko sa habang buhay
Makapiling ka Makasama ka
Yan ang panalangin ko


At hindi papayag ang pusong ito
Mawala ka sa 'king piling
Mahal ko iyong dinggin


Wala nang iba pang mas mahalaga
Sa tamis na dulot ng pag-ibig natin dal'wa
At sana nama'y makikinig ka
Kapag aking sabihing minamahal kita


Panalangin ko sa habang buhay
Makapiling ka Makasama ka
Yan ang panalangin ko


At hindi papayag ang pusong ito
Mawala ka sa 'king piling
Mahal ko iyong dinggin


Wala nang iba pang mas mahalaga
Sa tamis na dulot ng pag-ibig natin dal'wa
At sana nama'y makikinig ka
Kapag aking sabihing minamahal kita

I think it's best if people validate what they feel as early as possible. This way, you know you could address it and take the best course of action in efficient time. Enough of getting the 'feel' of it. Just go ask and have your answer. If it happens naturally, then good for you.

I, for one, couldn't quite get the hang of it. Sometimes I come up in front and say what's on my mind, other times, I sit and observe ... and wait.

Right now, I feel weakened and my eyes hurt. I don't want and would never want to irritate people, that's the last thing I want to do. I guess that's just the consequence of having to say what's on your mind. You can't expect people to get you all the time even if you have the best of intentions. The thing is, that shouldn't stop me from being true to myself. Because if I lose that trait, nobody else would believe me and have confidence in what I say.

It's just the problem with words you know? Sometimes it's the thing that blocks the way ... instead of the thing that helps to understand.

And where was my sense of humor? I think it got washed away by the rain today :(

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me ...

Going to Tagaytay this Saturday with my new officemates (we have a fun committee, how original is that in a corporate office eh?).

I only go through one or two blogs linked to this one. Most usually Cristina's because she's pretty good at articulating her thoughts and two (most important hehe) is because it's a safe blog, one that can be mistaken for a techie site people like me go to (white background, simple format, normal fonts). Which leads me to another thing: might redecorate (simplify) this site so that it would look like JavaBasket blog.

Lastly, Kerberos is Level 108! Levelling up is getting harder now T_T

Looks like this blog will be collecting a few cob webs the following days *sigh*

My plans for the rest of the year:
- buy a new laptop (top of the line baby)
- consider moving to a new place (mine, mine, all mine!!)
- study (oh dear lord, I'm actually gonna study on my own volition?)
- send my folks to a spectacular vacation (add some spice to their lives)

Okay I'm off =_=

My first week at work went by in a daze, and I could say, the changes I needed are in there. Never mind what those are, I'll just have to live through with them. Context? Well, some of my really bad habits has to go away T_T

Slacking off for one. I'm no longer left alone by myself so less chances of me abusing anything. We have kick-ass workstations though, dual core processors, LCD screens, DVD-RAMs, 2 Gigs of mem. Coolness! I could run 3D animation on my box. Unfortunately, I'll be using it more on running Tomcat and some other obscure application server. Not to mention the memory hog that is the JVM.

~~~

Chugging alcohol might help me gain weight, buuut I'm not sure I like the way it bloats people's bodies. Oh well, flavinoids are good anyway.

(in my fridge there is milk, me is drinking it)

~~~

Hmm, I'm neglecting my friendster account (well, not that I'm giving any attention to it anyway). I don't have loose ends but there are people who are looking for me and ... I don't want them to find me XD Heck, even my mom is wondering if I've finally fused to the walls of my room.

~~~

Aaand ... I feel like drawing again.

Miss na kita, nagka-gf ka na at nag-resign ka na raw =( Sana sama tayo ulit in the future bad trip lang kasi ayaw ka i-release noon. Lilipat na ako ng Houston kasi duon si boiet nakahanap work buti at pinayagan naman ako ng SVI. Sana pag sinuwerte sama ka dito ha. Sorry di kita nasulatan agad dami kasing sakit ng ulo din dito. Pag hinabol kita pahabol ka ha, hamo try ko hanap ng opportunity na iba sa Houston sana suwertehin sa ngayon la pa ako work nagtitingin pa ako ng pedeng mapasukan. October 31 pa naman kasi last day ko kaya ito tatamadtamad pa =) O kaw naman kuwento.

This is from my ex-team leader. Imagine doing this stuff for me (kahit siguro janitor o hardinero papayag ako! hehe!). She probably heard the news a bit late, but still I didn't know she'd reply like this.

I miss my team leader T_T She's the coolest.

Uhm. Houston is in Texas, right?

(btw, to all other people there who know me and who my team leader is, wak nyo sabihin may blog ako. Hiya ako, ayokong makita nya to hehe)

I'm in a new place.

The thing is, when there are new things in my life, I am filled both with excitement and despair. Ambivalent yeah.

Because it feels like I have to prove myself all over again. It's technically a good thing so I won't grow stagnant with my skills. What magnifies it however, is that there are people here who know me.

And unfortunately, they give out hilarious press releases that I don't wish to be broadcasted (truly! ahaha). Still, I feel a weakness in my knees that I might not measure up. I can almost predict my behavioural cycle. Excited at first, when a disappointment comes, I'll feel really down. And people that I won't speak with on the first few weeks, will end up not being able to converse with at all. What worries me however, is that I don't wish an office strain -- that is, people that won't go well with me. Professionalism can only carry me so far as well as my indifference. In other words, I'm a softie. What I do hope however, is that change would come to me in the best of ways.

~~~

Yeah, I need to gain weight. Right now I look like a skeleton with mad scientist hair sprouting on my head. It's almost proverbial. And my skin is sticking too tightly to my bones, eegh.

My character in Alab, Kerberos, is now level 102! Eight more levels and he'll be at the same level as EaterOfEyes.

~~~

On a last note, there's a certain doctor that has my hopes and prayers. Good Luck Leis :)

~~~

Oh one last thought ... nay, a song

It's alright I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah

Sigh.

Geez. I do feel nostalgic after all.

I dunno for how long I will not blog, not that I can't blog just about anywhere. I just want to bask in the warm feeling that I'm moving on. I want to forget things, and think of new things.

By leaving this place, I am leaving my history behind it, both old and recent ... all the spectacular moments and good memories of my life's struggles. People I've worked with, the fluorescent lights on my workplace, the files in my workstation that are personal yet I'm leaving them behind, or delete.

I do lament the fact that there are people I truly care for but cannot talk with, and people I yearn to be with but can't. I'll also be cutting ties to people who never give a damn.

I don't want to clutter myself with mental baggage. Because there's one other thing I am willing for a change. But that, ladies and gentlemen, will be the content of another entry.

This is Quentin Montejo signing off. Adieu.

My favorite place to stroll in Megamall is the fourth floor, because that's where the artwork galleries and antique shops are (I love perusing through the Filipinianas). While I was walking by, having a gazillion thoughts running through my head as usual, I came upon a mother and child attending a gallery snoozing the afternoon away embracing each other. I dunno, I just sort of had an impulse of taking their picture.

This is supposed to be my last day today. But I'll still be doing some clean up of stuff before I leave.

I wanted to retrieve my diary from storage. Once I get it, I'll post some entries of it here. It dates back 1996 :)

Gee, ten years of writing ^_^

The essence of karma is, there's no such thing as injustice. What you did now, will eventually come back to you.

However, my system hates the concept for some reason, thus, I do not advocate its belief. Things happen because they happen. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and sometimes bad people get the breaks. And what's worse than that are people that observe these say life is unjust. I say, life is just is. It has no concept of justice, the only thing it knows is to move along.

And related to that, I've also discarded the idea that things happen for a reason. I'm not including the cause-and-effect scenario ofcourse, but I'm referring to the belief that events in life are there because it has an unforseen purpose.

I sound a bit cynical, don't I?

My most natural reply is because us humans are the only creatures that attach these notions to such things. And they do it because it helps ease anxieties. People call it fate only after it has happened. People call it destiny only because we so strongly believe that what we want to happen will happen anyway. Sort of like, you cannot lose something that is meant for you.

And for some reason, all of these anxiety-reducing statements are being rejected by my system. Maybe I'm wired like this, or maybe it's just a mood.

I wish I could be more eloquent about all these ideas. Because I'd like to spew them out and then re-read it. See what's ticking in my head.

Passed by favorite site today, haha, felt nostalgic about my old chatting days. But no, won't go back there XD

~~~

*** Now talking in #funadultchat
<Megumi> i am ready to receive my fun

~~~

*** Martin has joined #Lostones
<Martin> word
<roy> indeed
<roy> but the question is
<roy> WHICH word?
<roy> her word?
<roy> My word?
<roy> HIS WORD?
<roy> it all depends...
<roy> on whose word.
*** Martin has quit IRC

~~~

<boozie> during my nap i farted underneath the blanket and i almost killld myself

~~~

and so far, this is the funnies in its own politically inclined way:

<@Headlor> when i live somewhre less gay
<@Headlor> im getting a cat
<@Headlor> and calling it "Hitler Stalin Mao"
<@Headlor> or just stalin
<@Headlor> "whats your cat called?"
<@Headlor> "stalin."
<@Headlor> "."
<@Headlor> ill write on its littertray "human rights"
<@Headlor> and on its bowl "flesh of the capitalist pig dogs"

~~~

<|Spanky|> peeing your pants it like happiness
<|Spanky|> everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth

~~~

<Dilbert> my dad owns a company "Incestors inc."
<Dilbert> investors*
<Dilbert> i meant

Currently listening to Coheed and Cambria.

Trying to think of something but my mind is sooo blank. Woo.

Violin? Or martial arts? Violin? Or mountaineering? Or ... or ... or ... just ... talk ... more ... nonsense!

- Three guys and an umbrella -
I can almost cook up a conversation
going, hehe


Here's the Podium, which is right in front of our building
Didn't notice when they added the blue lights, but the effect is nice :)


Perhaps the only food that makes my mouth water - Sbarro's Spaghetti and Meatballs

Today I feel happy ... and lonesome.

Weird isn't it? It's like eating ice cream with sinigang at the same time. You like both, but just not together.

Gusto kong ipaliwanag sa yo
Ngunit di kinakausap

I feel like ranting, but my mind tells me it is pointless. Pointless in that I'll just spew useless words to the world and achieve nothing.

Di inaasahang diringgin mo
Nakatingala sa ulap

I'm happy because, well, I decided to be. And there's a little bit of something as well. Cactus ... cactus ... (personal joke)

Alam kong nasaktan na naman kita
Ngunit di ko naman sinasadya

Maybe I'm just too nice. For my own good? Too understanding, too patient, too lenient. And to balance that, I don't go around too much so I won't wear myself thin. Now I feel I have to go out. For my own mental health.

Hinding-hindi na mauulit sinta
Sana'y maniwala ka

This song is effing playing in my head over and over again for some reason. It doesn't even apply to anything. Uh, maybe a few parts of it. Drowning it with other mp3s. I don't want to think about something.

Sabihin mo na
Kung anong gusto mo
Kahit ano'y gagawin
Para lamang sa'yo

Sabihin mo na
Kung papa'no mo
Mapapatawad

Ilang araw mo nang 'di pinapansin
Ilang araw pang lumisan
Nakatanga sa harapan ng salamin
Naghihintay ng bawat bukas

Okay, I give up. I'll just listen to this damnable song.

Lahat naman tayo'y nagkakamali
Sinong di nagsasawa
Ngunit kung pa'no babawi sa pagkakamali
Yan ang halaga

Sabihin mo na, kung anong gusto mo ...

This is the problem when you're way past adolescence. lol.

I've been fiddling around with Oracle for the past weeks, and despite the configurational puzzles, I'm beginning to think this shit is actually easier to do than the Java/J2EE chaos I usually deal with.

Programmatically (as in SQL-speaking that is), this stuff don't need any coding frameworks or some wise-ass nerd figuring out a supposed-to-be easier way to get things done. I mean databases are databases, there are joins, there are unions, but it essentially is more manageable than an enterprise wide application that gets more complex each client request. Not only that, but you really don't give a damn if the client thinks the screen looks funny because you're only dealing with information that comes to the screen. Or a developer ranting that he couldn't connect.

And that's from someone who has dealt with headache-inducing javascript enigmas and style sheet nightmares.

Okay, before I make any less sense than what I'm already saying, let's just say there's a lot to learn. Aaaand, I wouldn't mind fiddling with databases even though I consider myself a visual-type of person (my resume says this in BOLD letters: FRONT-END SPECIALIST).

It almost has a double meaning to it *tee hee*