The Terrible Writings of Quentin Montejo
Serial experiments on a fallen archangel who only wanted to regain just one wing back
Free of the World. Rain worshipper. Hermit. Tormented mind. Caged spirit. Defiant and eternal enemy of Destiny and Fate. Poet. Scientist. Artist. Daydreamer. He who laughs. Slacker. Sleeper. Romancer of wings and clouds. Fiercely independent. He who is ponderous. Games and anime junkie. Four eyes. Caveman. Nature-lover. He who doesn't think that hard. Non-smoker. Music-junkie. Counter of blessings. Guitar-hugger. He who simply wants what everybody else would like to be in this world and the next -- to be happy.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Letters from the Seas Beyond: Lonely in Gorgeous
Since nobody here knows the person who sent me this, I had the guts to post it here, I've renamed people as well so confidentiality is more or less preserved XD
There I was, happily playing RAN online when I noticed my phone is ringing
Her: Hey, where are you?
Me: Hell, I'm inside some dingy internet cafe o_O
Her: (laughs) I have sent something in your mail
Me: Oh ok.
Me: Oh you mean I'm going to read it now? o_O
Her: Yeah you nincompoop. I'll call again after five minutes.
I was a bit annoyed, but then again, I shut off the RAN client ...
ok.. here's the deal.
first of all.. i'm telling you this because i believe -- deep in my heart -- that you're the only person i can trust in matters such as this. i believe, believe, believe that this is something that's just between you and me.. that's an AND there.. just you AND me. no one else.. ok? so please please.. please... let this be just between you and me ha?
remember the situation before -- the primary reason, probably, why we've become very good friends -- where you had this enormous bag of emotions towards ikarr6 (see, i still remember your pw. hehe!). now, notice that i did not use the word 'love' or something that's near that, basta you had something -- may malisya ka sa kanya, in short. haha! anyway, i digress -- remember too.. when you so wanted to tell her how you felt, what you felt, regardless of what she'll say or do or think. and remember too, when i told you DO NOT DO IT! speak not and forever hold your peace :) remember those times? remember those?
i hope you do.. because i may be in an almost similar situation now.
there is this guy .. ok, please don't scold me. please hear me out first before you shift your butt on whatever it is you're seating on :) wipe your sweat away, remove that smile (i know you're smiling right now), and listen to me like a big brother would.. no judgement please, just please.. hear me out.
there is this guy, who, by some twisted fate, has become close to me. you know me quentin, i can be really friendly and charming (hehe!) and sweet (wag kontra!) and nice (diba?) towards another guy, but to me .. it's just friendship. no hanky-panky. i better stop being defensive or else i won't get to tell the story. hay, ang hirap pala nito!
so.. i wasn't really paying him too much attention. he would send me messages and when the day's load is not too heavy, i would reply. pretty much like how we would exchange tnote messages then. until it came to a point where the exchanges were more frequent and the stories more personal. i began to look forward to those correspondences, not really for anything, but for the joy of knowing so much about another person. he would tell me about his plans of getting married (yes, he's spoken for, and as he claims, very much in love with his girl -- yeah, that thickens the plot). so the stories were mostly grounded on our plans, the future, what kind of family we want, how we want to pursue our dreams.. yada yada yada.
i do not really remember when he started dropping lines like 'hello ms beautiful' or 'i'll treat you out on a date' or 'william is such a lucky guy' or 'you don't see me but i see you.' all of these were written in a context that i read as WALA LANG. he's just being nice. quentin, i'm probably the most naive person you'll ever know. for the life of me, there's just no way i would begin to think that this guy has feelings for me beyond what is -- right. see, he knows i'm married, and i know he's committed. so just based on those, i know i'm on safe grounds in starting this friendship with him. wala akong kabalak-balak lumandi (inangkupu!). i'm loyal to my marriage, to my husband, to my vow.
until one day, he told me.. 'you are my 'what-if'. if i am not in this relationship, it would have been you.' man, i was dumbfounded. like a real sport, i tried to downplay his message, and all he said was 'manhid ka talaga.'
quentin.. help me. i'm confused.
to be honest, i like him. not in a romantic way, but it would really break my heart to lose him and his friendship. but when things go like this, how am i supposed to react? how am i supposed to act? madami ako tanong eh.. and i'm asking you all these because you're a guy, and you love me (i know, at wag ka nang papalag.hehe!) enough to tell me what's right and what's wrong. do you think he's telling me the truth? what would make a guy tell things like that? ikaw, even if you knew that ikarr6 was with someone, you still wanted to tell her how you felt. why? what compels you to do it? what do i do? what do i say? should i stop being friends with him?
am i just overreacting? masyado lang ba akong feeling? hahahah! sana nga ganun lang.
what what what ???
please reply asap!! i'm losing sleep over this :( i wish you were here...
I've taken about two to three reads just to get what she's saying, and then I replied
i wont scold you, kaw naman, sasakalin kita e.
first off, shake off those honey-coated words of what-if. there is no what-if. a what-if is looking backward and wasting time. there is only moving forward. of which you already are! a guy like that got you hooked, sorry to say. he must have been a good guy, but seriously, shove it.
the reason you might have been taken is because, for an instant, it felt new, or different, or probably cute o_O he probably has been feeling the same way and is using his so-called commitment to his girl to help him cope with it.
then after that, ask yourself, what is HE hoping to achieve with all that he has done?
kaya about Grace (ayan binanggit ko na), i was hoping to achieve that i may, at the back of my mind, had a chance to win her love. i didn't push through with what i feel because for one, i will achieve nothing. even if she knows, what's the point? i did what was right? naww, i did what i felt like doing regardless of what is right.
don't downplay what you feel, it's important ;)
you're not asking me what's right or wrong, you already know that naman e. you're asking me to tell you what you already know. what makes it hard is because your heart is running faster than your head.
After five minutes, she called and had a conversation, a pretty long one ... after that, I went back into the internet cafe ... played a couple of more hours ...
Kerberos is now level 112 !
you're right. i already know the answers to those questions.. maybe not to all of them, but only to those that i need answered so that i'll understand. i hate it when you know me so much it's like i'm talking to myself :)
thanks friend. you have no idea what you did to me, and what clarity of mind your words gave me. sometimes, i guess, yes.. there are words you expect to hear to validate or justify. but thank you for being so truthful to me. i really really appreciate that.
but i'm sad. i thought he'd be a good friend, you know. but realizing that he's done something that is not going to do any of us any good, sayang. pero tama ka rin. he has no control over his emotions. inadvertently, i may even have encouraged him to nurture those emotions. there, i said it. but then again.. i really just wanted a good, giddy, well-founded friendship. kaya nga ako na-windang nung napunta sa ganito. why can't things be just simple? but i guess if it were, there'll be no rooms for conversations like we had no? :)
i really want to keep him as a friend. pero wala na yung 'what if'. knowing that he feels like that towards me -- totoo man o hindi -- is, yeah, flattering. but it isn't something i would want to pursue. even if i wasn't married, i would never want to break another girl's heart. ako pa, babae din ako (saksesful ang operation fafa!). and i don't want that kind of game. if i were in his girl's shoes, it would break my heart to know that my boyfriend has another girl as option B.
i guess that's what i am huh? option B :(
hay.. i wish there'll be nicer, happier stories to tell when we talk again next time.. but then again, talking to you has always left me feeling good. i miss you! thank you for taking care of me even if we're 13 hours apart :) now don't go around town throwing 'what-ifs' in the wind, ok? sasakalin kita nang walang humpay, pramis! :)
Sigh. Life is ironic for me. Here I am throwing out my heart to the streets, and then comes her asking me what to do about matters of the heart. Wish I smoke cigarettes. At least I'd look cool =_=
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