I've been listening to violins in songs lately, and the first thing that comes into mind is the opening sound track of Haibane Renmei, entitled Free bird. For those of you who don't know, this anime is strange but soothing. Some may get bored of it, but I guess those would be people thinks animes are all about mechas and fireballs and cuteness.

Other than that well, I have a thing for angels (see left panel decoration) ~_~

Anyway, I've spent the whole Sunday watching Bleach for 10 hours straight ~_~ And might I say, it was a good decision to watch it from the beginning even though I practically am updated on the manga.

Still, it contains some of the most dramatic lines I've ever heard/read in anime. Lines like:

"Unless I grip the sword, I cannot protect you.
While gripping the sword, I cannot embrace you."

Nevertheless, it can get tiring sometimes, and you just want action and no talk of words.

I do kinda regret that I abandoned a personal project of mine to watch that anime. That is, go to Baclaran church and take pictures of the place.

It's sort of a personal deal. When I was young, mom used to bring me to that church and pray. It felt gloomy inside because of the incense and candles, and it was kinda dark. But despite that, I felt, calm.

I felt like I was in a place of solace, where I could just speak out my mind and well, you get the picture. Maybe it is a state of mind, or maybe, it's the nature of the place. Perhaps even if I had no concept of a supreme being, I'd still find myself going there.

Ah well, maybe next Sunday.

Lately, I've noticed that I haven't been blogging much lately. I think I've outgrown a trait of mine -- simply pouring out what my mind wants to say, or letting my thoughts drift off and form into ideas and words. It can get quite long because I have always something to say given the chance.

I confess I have an analytical side that always goes: everything must have its meaning. It must, it simply must. Anything that's meaningless is worthless and useless. With that thought in my mind, people can already understand me. I won't simply give a gift -- it has to mean something (and I only really give gifts to a select few). I won't simply say something -- it has a motivation, or at most, a displaced intention. Ofcourse when I'm joking around that rule won't apply.

Hence, that results in me having a personality that covers extreme ends of the spectrum. And again, I am musing, maybe I should have been born as two people. Each suitably embodying a constant side. I did describe myself as an artist and scientist. Maybe if by some medical, genetic breakthrough, I can be cloned to be exactly those two.

But ... as reality would have it, that's not the case. And as hard as reality is sometimes, I have to deal with it ~_~ It's not so bad. Only just a few headaches here and there, and the voices in my head.

Alright, just kidding about the voices.

Was absent from office yesterday, so I wasn't able to pester the people connected to my network. Anyway, I feel really blank for missing out a day of work, but you know, the body comes first.

And there's another thing ofcourse. I want to talk about how I am lax with some important stuff. I really couldn't get it out of my system.

In other news, my roomies just brought home a ton of DVDs to melt our eyes. Watched American Pie: The Naked Mile last night, and even though only one of the original cast was there, it does have its appeal. The problem with these things, is that it gets compared to its predecessors.

~~~

In the wee hours of Sunday morning, I joined the girls who were lying on the beach (they're talking about what girls talk about usually), and tried to take a picture of the starry sky. Since I couldn't see what I was taking a picture of because I have to put down the camera with the LCD screen facing the sand, I got frustrated and went back to borrow Paolo's tripod. The first shots couldn't capture the small faint stars because the exposure wasn't long enough.

From there I discovered something ...


2 minute exposure: The three aligned stars you're seeing is the belt of Orion


5 minute exposure: The stars begin to trail

In conclusion, it is impossible for me to capture a starry sky with my current equipment, because the exposure is taking too long that I capture the stars while our planet is rotating, hence the trail ~_~

I've also discovered that, to our eyes stars are bright white, is actually colored. Oh I do know stars can come in red, blue, and yellow, but I thought our atmosphere is so thick, those colors are muted somehow and they appear white. It seems that's not the case if you look closely in the pics. The star in the middle is consistently red-yellow, and Orion's belt consist of three bluish stars.


Tiffany took this amazing shot of me snoozing under a tree. It's almost perfect ^_^ yeap, just behind the horizon is the beach, gently blowing a breeze ... and it made me go ... zzzZzZzz


I asked the girls to write their names in the sand. But I actually have no idea what theme the shots would be afterwards. Oh well, whatever ~_~

Well, it's time for a recap of last weekend. And man, was it worth it. The wind was so cool, the beach so serene, and I had great fun all in all. It felt so good being there that I slept while sitting ... and I dreamt to boot. Anyway, here's an article entitled, The Awakening by Sonny Carroll which I got from Joy's site, along with the pics I took from the trip. Some pics I won't be showing yet because the darn Paint program couldn't do justice to it. Enjoy ^_^

Oh yeah, I'll be using my Multiply now to dump the pics. And I have to redo all of the pics I stored in Photobucket because, as you can see below, the quality is not good ~_~

~~~

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...
When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere, the voice
inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening...



You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process, a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.



You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.



You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. You begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.



You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.



You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.



You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love; and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy.



You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right, to want things and to ask for the things that you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.



You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process, you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul; so you take more time to laugh and to play.



You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen, is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.



You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time; FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers; it's just life happening.



You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state; the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted; things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.



Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

This year is gonna be incredible
This year is gonna be the one
All the planets are aligning up for me
This year I'm gonna have fun
This year I'll paint my masterpiece
This year I'll be recognized
I can feel that I'll fall in love for real
This year, this year
- This Year sung by Chantal Kerviazuk, OST Serendipity

Alright, will be preparing for tomorrow's trip.

I was looking for a replacement for my busted Merrell sandals but got disappointed because I couldn't find any that could equal it. That beloved sandals of mine served me really well in its four-year lifetime. Today's models pale in comparison to it ~_~ or maybe I had too few choices to begin with. Aw.

As for my mind set, well, I haven't tried to be really optimistic by heart. And man, for the first time in a long while, I am looking forward to get lost ... somewhere. Hah! :D

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

Truth be told, I've never completely associated my pen name, Quentin Montejo, with myself.

Indeed, I made him up as a representation of what the complete me to be: a passionate artist, a wisened philosopher, and an enthusiastic scientist. It is sort of like when a kid is trying to imagine himself as a super powered comic book hero, I wanted the same thing myself, minus the cape. Yet, as how things went, I have only become a half-baked artist, a wannabe thinker, and a moody scientist at most. It's as much as how a kid can come up with a cape that has the 'S' drawn instead of sewn, and is written backwards to boot.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

I guess that makes a part of me idealistic.

Yet in all that bruhaha, I still am very much just like the next Joe. I get angry when pissed, I get down when things are gloomy. I would exude a bright face even if inside, I'm in complete chaos with myself. I have all the answers to life, so long as I didn't have all the problems to begin with. Sometimes I think too much about something trivial, and sometimes I'm apathetic on matters that need attention.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

"Into each life, some rain must fall" ... this is actually a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, which I remembered way, way back (15 years? I dunno why it's still in my head). It really has no relation to the content of this post ^_^ I just wanted that 'rain' line in here. It's just nice that there are words arranged out there that acknowledges and reminds us that, well, life really has nothing going against any of us.

We're simply perspective-based creatures. A tragedy to one, could simply be a light in a tunnel to another.

~~~

Lately, I've noticed that I've been listening to too much pansy music. Need to rev it up with more upbeat songs. So, dump stuff into your multiply accounts people. I'll be lovin ya, oh yeah.

~~~

Btw, I'll just make a comment on the new MMORPG e-Games has release called Supreme Destiny, and all I can say is -- it sucks, big time. It just couldn't give me excitement, heck, Diablo 2 shines over it despite being more than 4 years old.

Why the hell are they making such crap and release it to the populace? What were they thinking?


If I have an AM radio ... could I use it at night?

"A Rear Opportunity is Waiting For You ..."

Would probably appeal to ex-prison inmates tho XD

I was rummaging through my old photos (above is a fun example) and well, I hate to admit it but I felt a dread of nostalgia.

I don't know how to make of it, it's just that it's hard to grasp/see if you've amputated your emotions while having it all replay in your head. I hate to reminisce just for this sake, and I hope I don't go through that again.

I've always loved your eyes. I think I never told you that. You always have that sweet scented perfume around, and that soft, calming voice when you speak to me. But I don't miss you anymore. Yet I'm glad to hear you're happy.

Stay that way okay? I'll talk to you when I'm done being arrogant.

Have you ever poked a bubble and thought later that you shouldn't have?

Okay, put a relative replacement for the bubble and read the sentence again.

And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the paragon of regret. Have you something you regret? Ofcourse, there is. We're capable of recognizing disappointments, therefore, it wouldn't be farfetched that there are things we wished didn't happen. Regret can sometimes be direct or indirect.

Take for example, "I've ridden a bicycle today." Then you went off a track and had an accident. You might think that "I've regretted having ridden my bicycle today because I went off the track and had an accident."

Now, an unreasonable form of regret is indirect. Take the bicycle example. Your friend road the bicycle and hit you. So you might say, "I've regretted letting you ride my bicycle because you ran over me. Now I have ten dead toenails."

The first is direct because it's influenced by your decision, that is, you've known the risk of riding the bicycle. The second is indirect because your decision doesn't wholly affect the outcome. Although ofcourse, the example is poor because in both cases, you wouldn't know how the element of accident can pass by to you.

Now what has all of this got to do with me?

Absolutely nothing. My brain is just farting, that's all.

~~~

Everything happens for a reason.

Many people love that phrase don't they? I simply don't advocate it though. And I would think I have posted that sentiment in my blog many times. I do admit however, that it has a soothing effect to the soul. It helps in 'letting go', which if not done, causes a lot of stress and unnecessary anxiety. And as you know, anxiety is the rust of life.

There's a more sinister form of that phrase though, and that is, knowing the reason before it happens.

Case in point, fortune-telling and horoscopes, which are nothing but entertainment to me. A fun example is the game Gabriel Knight: Sins of the Fathers, where Gabriel had a horoscope that says "a dark star is falling upon you." Gabriel scratched his head and said, "Somewhere, somehow, a highschool teacher is confused like hell."

How can a prediction account for a collective fate? It's absolutely incredulous. That is, until people try to attach said prediction to a convenient aspect in their lives.

Okay, another brain fart.

~~~

Ignorance is bliss. It's also called coffee. ~_~

Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again: and then, in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me; that, when I waked,
I cried to dream again.

- Caliban in Act 3, Scene 2 of William Shakespeares', The Tempest

This is a view from outside our backdoor. That's the neighbor's porch on the right. I was experimenting on overexposures and discovered how interesting the night sky can be and capturing subjects that are not 'in a hurry' (i.e. clouds). The ambient, fiery light you see reflecting under the roof is from the embers while we were barbecuing. Cool huh?

One of the most spectacular sights I've ever seen is a night sky filled with stars and counting 18 shooting stars. Or at least I believe they were. So I'm hoping that in one of my travels, I'll have that chance again.

I'm a bit relaxed today. It would probably change by next week when they let me handle a new client project.

I think people like me around here. A colleague and I were talking over lunch and we were discussing about some details about the stuff I'm doing. I said something about, "Yeah, we need more front-end people ...", but I was caught off guard when he said, "It's not just that we need more technical people, we need more people with your attitude".

I'm not exactly a mover or a shaker in my field, but perhaps it's because I almost don't complain. My mind is more adept in making things work regardless if it's a good or a bad decision. That effectively covers up points when I should be vocally bringing them up (i.e. complain).

Another thing that surprised me is that in one meeting, our PM mentioned that she was impressed with what I did. It was a compliment ofcourse, but I sort of feel that "I'm not there yet" or "I could've done more". That sort of inadequacy still bug me to this day in that, I'm comparing myself to the old me who's more passionate at he's doing. Perhaps, I've taken up some bad habits I couldn't exactly remove unlses pressurized to do so.


The rabid, demon kitty-kat in her most relaxed moods.

I remembered when I was a kid that I would take a chalk and draw a fruit basket on the expanse of our patio where we dry coffee beans during December. I'd then call out to mom to look at it from the window on the 2nd floor to surprise her. It's sort of a copy of a still-life picture that used to hang in the dining room.

Well, well, well. I haven't died.

*Whew*

And now I'm on the verge of making another rash decision. But what the hey, most of the best decisions I made in life were thoughtless out-of-the-blues.

I will ...

- appreciate the people around me more. Especially those people who's been so good to me regardless if they were real bitches, saints, assholes, philantrophists, pricks, rapists, pe ... okay you get the picture. Lahat kayo, tanggap ko kayo. That despite all my shortcomings and aloofness, there are still people who, you know, are there. I know I'm cold and uncaring for the better part of last year (and it will be no different this year LOL), but I just want to let everyone know that it is appreciated ... very much. It's just words for now, kung ano man ang pagkukulang ko, nawa'y mga biyaya ang pumuno sa inyo -- pakibilang na lang po, marami yun ^_^

- travel more! They say that a wisened man can't get everything from books, but from seeing the world. It's a big world out there. And the lesson I've learned last year is that, not to let my world get confined in just three places: work, home, and internet cafes ^_^ That camera of mine will be seeing the best of days, oh yeah baby

- so far all my efforts in improving my art skills never went into fruition. I don't think I'll ever get to sing well enough to perform (asa pa ko wahaha), my drawing skills won't get any farther unless I depend on it, and my guitar skills well ... it's getting rusty. I think I've forgotten how to read musical notes ~_~ Grace is not amused.

- I want to move out ... again. I want my own place now because there is a need for me to grow (okay, not weed dude). The most ideal would be a rent to own condo, or at the very least, an affordable lease, in case I change my mind about the place. I want a place to put a mad-spec pc, enough space to put a drawing board and a lamp. Maybe a place good enough to have a small party. Oh yeah, a niceee kitchen. Ah heck, time to hunt for said place ^_^


There is something soothing about looking at embers. Like it being warm instead of hot. Sort of like being in front of a cool sun, or that feeling when holding hands.

I am supposed to post only after I've redesigned my blog. But since I'm too busy and haven't paid a visit to Marge in a long time (to get my laptop), I have to break that vow and just post away.


Which way is heaven?
These are cherubims that adorn the ceiling of our living room. I'm not sure why mom put it there, but it was a great subject for my shots. On that note, there are so many things in our home that are great photo subjects. I only have to be creative.


It only takes one candle to banish the darkness
Last New Year there was a short power outage, and I had a chance to take this shot. Those are the fruits that mom usually buys when new year comes. The warm light of the candle gives them a soft, diffused glow.


"I have a broken camera, should I replace it with a new one? It's rusty and the shutter sometimes get stuck. This camera, that has taken nothing but the truth, nothing but the beauty of the world ..."
This is a Pentax camera that is lying around the house. I am not sure who originally owned it (prolly one of my aunts or uncles during their stints in other countries). It looks a model circa '60s though. Cool isn't it?


View of a verdant garden
This is our backdoor and an intricately designed chair in the dining room. You'd almost think that we have a nice garden there but it's actually mosses and wall-creeping weeds that sprung from a neighbor's untended plants. Well, there are a few orchids that mom kept.


The Moon that I Am
That's the title of the poem that inspired me to write my poetry 12 years ago. I must find it again. This shot was taken from 2nd floor. We have these really big sliding windows where you could just let the air in on the mornings (and robbers in the evenings). I love lounging on the window sill just to let a day pass by. Sooo relaxing.


What is the world to the eyes of a child?
This is Aven, my niece. Isn't it a wonder that they could just look at things like it's the most interesting thing in the world? We all overgrow that kind of enthusiasm one time or another in our lives, but to some, they manage to keep it. And perhaps that's the thing why some people want to be young again.