I've been browsing through Myspace and Friendster and well, I've seen people write ThInGs LiKe ThIs, coupled with indecipherable way to spellz thingz yo.

It's just that you know, has illiteracy truly evolved into a fad?

Ick.

Indeed, this week had been gloomy ... been reading two Dragonlance novels, and I seem to be resembling Raistlin more and more ...

Naalala ko ang mga gabi
nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
Naalala ko ang mga gabi
magkatabi sa ulan

Subalit ngayo'y wala na ...
Ikaw ay lumayo na ...

UPDATE: Regardless of the mood, I never fail to lose my narcisissism.

I always admire a powerful woman whenever I see one.

Defiant, unbowing. She may cry yes, but not because it hurts, but because it hurts to fight. She is not a person who knows what she wants, no. She is a person who knows what she must want. She knows she cannot catch a star. But she knows that she can climb up a hill to be at least a few feet closer -- the thought of it -- just to be closer is enough. She feels the ultimate design of her being regardless of how the world turns and how drops of rain mercilessly pound her face -- these are nothing! Her power is not being the yin, but because she turns the yang. And she must push on because she knows she cannot afford being intoxicated by simply fulfilling her mortal desires -- she has a spirit to quench as well! And it is this center by which she must tap in order to be at peace with herself, with her world, and with God.

This powerful woman, a pair of eyes I see when I go out over a cup of coffee, or the eyes that beckon for me to come and look and ask if what she's doing on her computer is right, or the eyes that is not afraid when I look back ... is what I would wish to look at forever and more.

Today I feel tired. So tired in fact, that I'll blog in outline form

- Tita Cors just came back from Australia -- we happy
- She kinda look older
- Much happiness for the whole family
- Not total joy though because
- My cousin's wife is cheating on him
- My other cousin is dying
- My folks are talking as to how they'll send her kids to orphanages
- My patriarchal instinct seem to flare up because of it (but as usual, I'm quiet)
- My uncle still holds a grudge against us (well not really us but mom)
- My mom and my aunt are the matriarchs of the family
- Tita Cors is asking me the question "When (will I marry) ?"
- I gave her the knowing look and say, "Single life is kinda radical right now"
- Beforehand, I told my mom about a special girl I'm dating
- She kind of frowned that she's about six years my junior
- Not to mention she is as old as my younger brother's wife
- But I justified that she can think for herself
- Though I have not told her she smokes (Mom is conservative)
- I've met her this Saturday, glad to see her again after a month
- Wonder if she thinks of me (and hoping the same way I do about her)? :(
- Probably not :(
- Oh well. Back to happy thoughts
- Tita Cors is proud of me :)
- Mom is proud of me :)
- They're all proud of me :)
- I have no clue why they are proud of me o_O
- Younger bro bought a digicam
- Took pictures of myself
- I look old o_O
- Must be from all the stress I've went through the past month
- I need a haircut
- Mom would always say the only hairstyle suited for me is semi-bald
- Which is true
- But I miss having long hair
- My hair is always unruly
- Everyday is a bad hair day
- Like I care :D
- Outline blog ends here

Enjoy :)

Foreword by Quentin: I never really recall if this is Mesai's own story. Nevertheless, I liked it because it gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling like sipping hot choco with bits of marshmallows under the cool shade of a tree looking at a coffee plantation (we don't have fireplaces, so my imagination is localized :D).

Also, I thought the proper way is not 'Muslim' but 'Islamic'.

--

My Muslim Father
-Mesai of Hifi

From the kitchen sink, washing the dishes, she heard her cellphone's personalized
message alert tone ring.

Who could that be? I hope it's a good news from home...

Even if her fingers were itching to open it, she resisted the urge and continued
doing her chore.

1 message

received

#####Opening#####

message: "Assalamualaikum!"

That brief message made her smile. He remembers her and doesn't mind spending Php 15 for that "sms".

He didn't forget the teenage inquisitive girl who lived with them for a week just so she could write her baby thesis about the Muslims and Islamic culture and traditions. He didn't forget his agnostic chinky-eyed daughter.

And she remembers him. Her Muslim "father". Datu Mangayao to his people, Papa Mike to this girl.

The message triggered the memories she have, the days she spent living with them.

For a week, she woke up at 5AM, observing as the family get ready for their first sallah at 6AM.
It amused her as they clean theirselves while reciting something she can't comprehend.

She enjoyed wearing mahlong and putong just like all the other women in that village.

The bamboo catwalk scared her wits as she walked there to get to the masquit, only to be disappointed because she can't go inside for she didn't shave down there, and didn't want to too.

She read some of the Islamic books lent to her with enthusiasm.

She learned that Muslims and Catholics share almost the same faith. Almost.

She was disgusted by some of their traditions, the drinking of the water used to wash a dead man's body, but was later relieved when she was told it was no longer being practiced.

She was annoyed by their sexist culture. She's a feminist. She can't bear the
thought of her friend, the Datu's daughter, being decapitated for having a Christian boyfriend, for having sex with him, and for having an abortion. It's a disgrace to their clan. A dishonor, when a Muslim girl have an amorous relationship with a non-Muslim guy whilst it's not if a Muslim man marries a non-Muslim woman.

That's why her mouth's zipped and she knows nothing when asked.

It irritated her when women in the family have to wait for the men to finish eating before they can eat.

The Datu's family were nice and very hospitable and accomodating to her, she doesn't despise them, she loathes their gender discrimination, their bigotry. She loves her Muslim
extended family.

The girl replied to him by typing the first sentence she learned in Muslim. It doesn't have anything to do with being glad or anything like that, it's a profession of faith for the Muslims,
but for the Datu and the girl, it has a hidden message saying, "I never fail to remember Papa Mike..."

message: "Ashadu Allah illaha ilallah wa ashadu annan Muhammaden rassoulullah"

Message Sent!

And after writing what I just did below, I then remembered a disturbing thought I wanted to expound on a blog entry.

What if I am just words?

Yeah. Doubt.

The only consolation I have with myself, is that in doubting, I am also being true to myself. Be good, be bad, be wrong, be right. It's better than nothing.

Rather than post this a reply to Mesai, I opted to put this as an entry instead.

"I love myself first before others. I love my career and my freedom."
- Realized this when I broke off with my ex. I love my freedom (among a few other things). And I fear, I am loving it too much that I will never fully give myself to anyone. Good thing or bad thing? Time will tell. What's the wisdom in that? I'm letting myself have a chance to complete 'me' without having to live by what other people say. Is it not the stuff of heroes? (well, and maybe villains)

"Yes, they got married because they don't want to grow old alone. And that my dear is my reason."
- I will never marry just so I will not grow old alone. I will marry because I am strong enough to share my life and if I met someone strong of heart and will to want to ride with me. Too unrealistic a condition? Maybe. I need to have at least that to tell myself what road I want to take, and with whom.

"He was first my friend before he became my lover"
- Always a good thing between lovers. That's why when I date, I try to have this "distance", a friendly distance sort of. A chance to be a friend. Because one of the first things I realized, at least in my case, that if I let my heart rule everything, then I've already lost half the battle.

Ofcourse I never mentioned that I don't approve of such a lifestyle as Mesai's aunt. I am raised very conservatively, but thanks to being away from parents in college, an open mind is what I've gained (maybe I've even earned my soul) I wouldn't want it in any other way. My conservativism to keep me out of trouble, and an opened-enough mind to help me not stop learning and observing.

I cannot ask for more.

--

Naks Mesai, di ko alam kung seryoso ka o nakita mong mali plural ko hahaha.

Sometimes I fancied buying a PDA if only to write the noise happening in my mind. But that would be just stupid.

I'll have to think of other uses for it whenever I don't write. Plan my daily scheds? Nah.

Haha.

Foreword by Quentin: Quite an interesting story from one of the denizens of hifi, this is somehow like a story about the birds and the bees. Only here, the birds are a bit more colorful and the bees are a tad frisky. Nevertheless, one of my most valued gems of wisdom is embedded in the words of the aunt in the story. Read on.

--

Friends with Benefits
- Mesai of Hifi

I just finished watching the foreign flick "Y Tu Mama Tambien", my reaction to the movie led me to remember my conversation with my grandfather's third cousin two years ago.

It's not related to the movie, really. My feeling sad and sorry for the friendship lost is. That's why I promised to myself that I won't step over the line of friendship.

Aunt Vi (that's what she wants us to call her) and I met for the first time on her nephew's wedding, she practically lived her life in the US.

She invited me for a chat the following week at her brother's house where she stayed while she's in the Philippines. That weekend, I complied to her request.

I found her setting up the videoke mic thingy when I arrived. She said she wants us to sing some songs while "bonding", she called for the maid to serve us the snacks.

The first song she sang was "I Finally Found Someone" by Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams, then "I've Never Been To Me" by Charlene. After the song was finished, she talked to me.

With eyes looking straight at mine she said, "You remind me so much of myself. That song was for you."

"Me? Why?" I asked.

"I can see it through your eyes, but I won't tell you why..." then she smiled the I-know-something-but-I-won't-tell-you smile.

After two sips of sugarcane juice she said, "Go on dear, don't be shy, ask me why I didn't marry until I reached the age of 58." The old lady knew what's in my mind, and she must have read the disbelief written on my face so she went on. "I was and still is a woman of the world. I love myself first before others. I love my career and my freedom. Have you seen the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces?"

"No, not yet. But I heard Barbra and her leading man married for company's sake."

"Yes, they got married because they don't want to grow old alone. And that my dear is my reason."

"You didn't marry because you love your husband?"

"Oh no, don't get me wrong. I love him but in a different way. I love him as a friend, and mind you deary, a friend's love for another is deeper than that of a lover's. He was first my friend before he became my lover, just like the other male friends I have, and they are still my very best friends."

"Ha---how? A-a-a--I mean they are your friends."

"Friendship is the best foundation. Besides it's more comfortable having a sexual affair with your friend than with a complete stranger."

"Did you...ahermn..."

"Did I what? Have sex with all my male friends? Yes. My first kiss was with a male friend at a friend's house. He has a girlfriend and I know her, but there's an attraction between us, we can't help it. And the first person I've given a head was a friend too, and I know his girl friend too, we sometimes shop together. Surely you're familiar with physical attraction, yes?"

"Yes, of course." I felt so scandalized. I may liberated, sort of, but my morality regarding friendship is very different from Aunt Vi.

"You befriend a person from the opposite sex because you were first attracted to them. Do you have an ugly guy friend?"

"Yes"

"Really? I'm betting he became your friend because he's a friend of a friend."

"Yes"

"See? My husband, he was my crush at the hospital, when he invited me out the first time I went with him. He was married twice, once widowed, once divorced, he have four children. We were friends for so long. But, I only sleep with him whenever he's free, meaning if he's not married. I don't sleep with married men. That's why I just sleep with male friends, even if they have girlfriends, because I know for sure that they are not married."

"Did you ever had an arguement or a misunderstanding with any of them?"

"Of course. It's normal, dear. But our sexual affair and friendship didn't get in the way. It's just a casual thing, a part of the bargain of being friends."

"Your friends knew they were sharing the same uhm..."

"Mistress? Yes."

"And it's fine with them?"

"They are being loved equally, why would they get mad? I know dear... You can't believe what I'm telling you now, but that's the truth. What are the benefits of having friends? Having someone to cry and laugh with, someone to be beside with, someone to give you c-o-m-f-o-r-t, and sometimes giving comfort meant being too personal and intimate, from a very simple kiss and hug to making love. I understand you too have lots of male friends, haven't you? History has a very funny way of repeating itself my dear. Come on, let's sing some more, it's your turn now."

Today we were told to 'beef-up' our resumes into something, say, impressive.

Upon looking at mine, I thought. Hmm. Not impressive.

Now I'm beginning to wonder, what have I accomplished in my line of work? I guess it wouldn't be much of the techie side. But I am techie in a way, and one of my greatest strengths is my acute sense of intuition. Weakness? Well, I've always said I have the memory span of a fish. That's why I use my intuition to figure things out what I lack in remembering what happened beforehand.

Still, not an impressive resume compared to a few I've read from the mail sent to me as guide: my team leader, a body-shopped team mate, and a recent applicant.

They have tons of projects under their belt. But somehow, my accomplishments do not border on the ink that is written on these resumes (or fonts for that matter).

For some reason, I just know I had accomplished a lot. It's just that I don't remember. No acute sense of intuition can remedy that.

Sigh.

Yeah. I hate how local cafes have crusty keys on their keyboards and having the damn IE browser popup everytime it does something while you are on another browser doing something else.

Now that's over with, been buying car mags and drooling :F

As for some profound thought for today, to find true love, first find real love. Before you get to real love, you can start from mad love.

Oh yeah. I'm in lurv :)

Now this is getting funny. When you do this often, you can distinctly remember the number of meals you're taking in a day. It's as if it is highlighted in your mind the total number of times your tummy growls.

I think I need a haircut. And a nice shave too.

Let's just say that for the past four years I have dated a total of 50 males in the Philippines with ages ranging from 18 to 35. And out of the 50, I only liked 5 of them. There is something terribly wrong.

I have had too much fun meeting with people that have been set up for me by my friends---they love to play the matchmaker. I sometimes had the suspicion, behind my back, they are making a dating service out of me. That date didn't work out, I have another one for you. It didn't work out again? In comes another one.

One friend even had the audacity to admit, "You're a good catch! You're smart, you never run out of stories, you're not too bad looking, and you're available. Here, let me introduce you to another friend of mine."

After four years in the dating game, I'm tired. I'm ready to give up. I will embrace single-blessedness anytime soon. Most men I meet are boring or too macho. They like me because they think I have an interesting life. Those who are interesting are not interested in me. Same old story.

How hard is it to find just one man?!

Para kang naghahanap ng karayom sa isang tumpok ng giniikan. Sa kaso ko, parang nasa gitna ng gubat na masukal yun karayom at mukhang naliligaw pa ako.

I don't need this. Kung tutuusin, di ko naman kelangan ng boyprend this year. Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi 'yan? But I still keep on hoping. Sabi ko nga this year, talagang stop na ko with dating. Sangkaterba naman ang dumadating. Sabi naman nila masama raw tumanggi sa grasya!

Buti na lang I've weeded out yun mga panggulo lang. Binura ko na yun lahat ng type kong naka-date ko pero di naman din tumawag ulit sa cellphone ko. Nagpalit na rin ako ng number para di na tumawag yun mga ayaw ko. In the process I remembered this guy who became a constant companion for three years, sabi ko friends lang kami but he wanted us to grow deeper pa raw since it has been three years.

Kinukulit ako. Bakit ba raw kasi I'm afraid to kiss him. Me? Afraid? O sige, matigil ka lang. Walang spark. Gusto ko lang talaga siyang kausap. Okay lang naman siyang kasama. Sabi ko friends na lang talaga, ayaw maniwala e.

I'm afraid of relationships daw. I'm afraid of commitments. Sigurado kaya siya sa sinasabi niya? Again. Huh?! Me? Afraid? I sound defensive daw, eh di ibigay ang luho. O sige, one telephone conversation I asked him, "Why don't we try na 'maging tayo'?"

Anong excuses niya bakit hindi raw kami pwedeng maging 'kami'?

1) I'm too much of a free-spirit daw. I need to be free. I'm a gypsy pa nga raw e. (He thinks he can read me, he knows me a lot daw eh.)

2) Hindi ko raw siya mahal.

3) He thinks I'm spending a lot of my time with him because he's convenient.

4) He's window-shopping and buying whereas I was window-shopping but has no intentions of buying. Besides, I need to be free daw and right at the moment (which was around August 2003) di ko raw naman kelangan ng boyfriend.

Parang lahat yata ng dahilan kung bakit di pwede kami ay dahil 'ako ay ako'. Pansin niyo? Parang lahat kasalanan ko?! He just cannot accept me for being me. But that's okay, me being a good sport I didn't take any of that personally. Actually nakalimutan ko na nga yun episode na yun and was back with my other activities such as, snorkelling and mountaineering.

Two months after that conversation, he calls me again. Nag-break daw sila ng girlfriend niya. And he just wants to talk to someone who understands him.

"Girlfriend? So gaano na kayo katagal nung girlfriend mo?"

"Two months na sana kaso she has these issues with me."

You then have this "AHA!" moment na "Kaya pala ayaw na akong maging girlfriend. May iba pala talagang sinisipat!"

Then you start thinking to yourself, "He lied to me." Well, to call it lying would be too harsh. He was just not being honest with me. Oh well, good think I found out we were not meant to be bago pa naging 'kami'.

Then he tells me the girl was breaking up with him because he was too much of a friend and she didn't want to lose him as her friend. Something of that sort. I thought, "Mahilig pala talaga siyang "tumalo" ng mga kinakaibigan niya."

Tangina! Convenient ka pala ha. Akala ko pa naman, we used to hang out together because he enjoyed my company. After that incident, I never bothered calling him or texting him. I didn't want him to think he was being convenient.

In one ym conversation he tells me, "I miss you."

I told him, "I know."

"Talaga?!"

"Yes. Everybody misses me nowadays. Kasi they tell me I'm good company," was all I said then had myself excused.

During a drinking spree, I accidentally told one of my male friends this story and he commented, "Alam mo anong tawag sa ganyang lalaki?"

"Ano?"

"Loser."

Much as I want my friends to stop setting me up on dates, I cannot help but love them when they make these comments. The world may be falling apart. My dates may be boring. Since my friends are not giving up on me, I have no choice but not to give up on me.

I already said stop it with the dates!! They just keep coming in droves. So I have no choice but to yell, "NEXT!"

As for the losers, let them drool.

-----
P.S. I just heard over my grapevine, loser guy still has the same old issues and is notoriously doing the same things he's done to me with a different woman. Better watch out!

Guess times like these deserve a blog entry. You see, not sleeping for a whole day induces a natural high. But whatever sort of high that is, I cannot tell.

All I can say is, I'm sleepy. Makes me wonder. How will I die?

In my sleep? Gunshot? Disease? A vicious car accident? Will it be hours/days/months/years of agonizing pain? Or a swift sweep like samurai sword almost like I didn't feel it?

Will I have loved ones beside me when I die? Or will I be cold and alone on top of rainy hill at night?

Last Friday when an earthquake of intensity 4 or 5 rocked the building where I'm working in, I had pondered -- life is such an easy thing to take.

Nine months of growing in the womb, ten years to learn basic stuff, ten or so more years to figure out what life is about, another ten to decide where to go, etc. Life can be ended in any stage and in any way possible. If you look at it, life seems only a cruel joke and the end of it is the part where jack comes out of his box -- a real eye opener (well if you have your eyes openable that is).

So what's all in this for me? I've taken up the mentality of carpe diem in my own way. Just like Percy and Pooch in sinfest.net. Pooch was playing with a new ball to replace the old one he lost. Percy, like the conniving kitty that he is, was like saying that it will only be lost anyway, so why bother playing with it. Pooch, on the other hand, simply decided to play it with a lot before it goes away.

Pooch is a puppy. Even puppies can teach lessons.

Sometimes I've focused too much on one aspect of the world, that I don't believe really, really horrible people exist. They're like these boogie-man who will go away if a) You keep your closet locked real tight, b) Close your eyes or cover self with blanket, or c) Make enough noise that you scare them off.

That's not to say I'm not a horrible person myself. I am work in progress nonetheless, but there are cases that dwarf my own capability to create enemies. People, out of utter lack of sensiblity, would come out to the top (or in this case, bottomost) as the most reviled of the vile.

The tricky part here, is that people (i.e. humans) are not capable of it *all* the time. Which gives them some sort of escape for being who they are. They cling on to people who *understand* them and use them as assurance that they are still ok. And then they continue on spreading their poison disguised as julep.

And for these people, I aim my flame thrower.

While I am waiting for cool people to post their cool stuff on this blog, let me just drool over a Mazda 323 Astina I've seen in Car Finder. An officemate of mine had one years ago, and I kind of liked it. It's simple, got those popup headlights (always wished I had a car like Kit in Knight Rider when I was a kid) ... it's got a sexy butt okay? I've got simple tastes ^_^

Unlike the Honda Civic hatchback, Astina models don't hail back from 1993-95, but from '98. Now I have to figure out why Mazda is not showing them in their websites anymore. Only the new models Mazda 2 & 3, etc. Same goes for Honda, they're not advertising anything about their hatchbacks except Honda Jazz ... which is a sexy car in its own right.

Now before people think I'm just another slave to the calling of the wheel, I am saying this -- I am as concerned as you are about the soaring price of juice. Unless cars gets batteries like those concept cars, I just have to opt for Honda made cars because of their reputation for having efficient engines.

Anyway, once I get this mania of my system will I be back posting some emo stuff about my life or whatever.

Been asking myself if I should rejoin with my batchmates in the mountaineering club.

It's been a long, long year ... so much has happened. And I'd love to challenge the mountain passes again. The last two was in Mt. Banahaw (which is closed to visitors for now), with the last one passing through Guis-guis route instead of Crystallino. Now that was a killer trek.

Even though my stamina served me well I still felt like my dandy, pale legs are too atrophied for the torment on that fateful weekend.

Btw, they still have my tent too -_-

and it's only a stone's throw away from where I stay in Mandaluyong (if I can throw a stone that far that is).

I fancied seeing it while I was on a jeep going home from the MRT station, and when I got down, I couldn't help but walk all the way to where it's parking (and across the road, an ATM machine where I could view it from afar without looking suspicious). For those knowleadgeable about cars, here's the specs:

Honda Civic 2-door hatchback
'95 model Japan (OMG!!)
1600 cc VTEC engine (OMG!!)
Black (my kind of color -- as black as my heart is)
And ... some miscellaneous stuff about car seats and defoggers ... stuff
*one can surmise that I am a total n00b by the way I react with only a few stated specs*

Unfortunately, the owner doesn't seem content to wait for me to get my assets (LOL) liquidated (ok, enough of words I don't know how to use) because he's leaving for the US. Prolly for use as pocket money ... hmm. I could get it a tad cheaper if I let him use stock parts for some, uhh, parts. I also need to pull my cousin who could tell me if it's a good buy or not (but I must admit ... it is already beckoning meeeh @_@ agag-agag-agag-agag).

Sigh. Wish it'll stay there for a few more months. *withers*

Today, I called in sick for the morning and would come to office in the afternoon. I told my team leader I'd be absent the whole day if i'd feel any worse.

But that would mean I'll have nothing to do in the condo (yes, I hate idling while awake). I just did my laundry anyhow, took a nice bath, shaved, put some after shave balm, got dressed, put on my fave scent (Giorgio Armani Mania ... my last date loved sniffing it) and went out to the jungle that is Manila. With the MRT and LRT trains as the metaphor for my swinging vines.

I did my lunch at the 3rd floor food court in Times Plaza in UN, and while I was munching on my humble lunch of maling (is maling = meatloaf?) and eggs, I heard two, seemingly high-ranking company people discussing stuff using big corporate words like "international", "key project", "financial target", and the irrisistible "millions" (not to say I love money or detest the rich, but you have to have respect for people who're ping-ponging words like that in public).

Somehow all of this intrigues me (again, it's not about the "millions") but the overall structure of how such things work. The system, the movement ... the economics of it all. I did mention that I had begun an interest in economics. You see, I'm a graduate of computer engineering, and I wouldn't be surprised if people stereotyped me as some sort of geek. Well I am in a sense, but surely not geeky enough to be worth that anti-geek radiation suit. Now economics ... this is one of my most hated subjects in college. I thought it was boring and dull and pointless. I wanted my hands to create instant results. Hence, my affinity for programming because there, a few strokes of the fingers and you could produce something interesting like say, computer games. I made my first computer games, Eclipsis and Space Den back in 1996. Both gone to the pc game heaven in the sky when my idiotic cousin formatted my hard disk without my consent.

Now I bought this book The Worldly Philosophers by Heilbroner and to my surprise, I loved reading it. At least, I'm still on the introductory and preface parts *grin*. Initially, I wondered what sort of bore-monster will be waiting for me in the next pages.

Quite unexpectedly, the author anticipated what's in my mind by saying something like "reading a book about economics and saying it is boring is like studying logistics and saying that warfare must be dull". Oh how cool of you Mr. Heilbroner. Beer?

Not only that, he made the book "engrossing". Like how you ask? Stories. Yeah, stories baby and lots of 'em. Not just any story mind you. These stories are funny in, uhm, an economic sort of way (am I getting really geeky now? again?).

So. On with Adam Smith !!

Worth precedes reward
- Ultima VII

September the 1st I got promoted as a D pay level employee. It has been a long time coming, my peers would say. But I was never the one who demand reward. My work is my reward.

And in all honesty, I would say I don't fully feel rewarded or feel worthy of the reward given. All those times surfing and playing games at the office and all. But yeah, the team wouldn't have gone forward without me. Or would it? In times of need, heroes are always born -- people to fill the gaps. I am sure someone can fill my place. Such is the way in every line of work.

Question now is, what next?

I've been drooling over buying a car. I've donated 9/10 of my savings to buy the family van. Maybe it's time to reward myself. A nice good, Honda Civic 2-door hatchback would do. Oh yessssss ... thinking about it gives me giggles. Still it's a long way to go. Like I said -- I am back to being a pauper :(

In love, you don't need a philosophy. You simply go nuts.

Just something that popped out of my mind while I was trying to get myself to sleep by playing the guitar. Sort of what happens when you read too many song titles and they begin to string together to form some inane thought about ... well ... love.

And yes, I sucks at the guitar. The only redeeming factor with all that is that nobody can hear me screech when I try an octave that doesn't belong to me.

I'd like to take on something ... how I describe myself.

But rather than telling ho-hum details, I'll just list stuff I am proud of:
- at 27, I have no major fuck-ups in life
- i'm generally a good kid, mean and cruel and evil at times, but that goes with the genes
- above average geek programmer. Right now I have taken an interest in economic thinkers.
- been standing on my own two feet since college. Well maybe on knees during college, feet later on :}
- no vice whatsoever. Ofcourse that also means I have a shorter life span for the lack of stress release.
- stable job, already set up for life -- and it only gets better. Unless I decide to be a bum o_O
- I've loved, hurt, grown, struggled, mangled, but it all comes down to one word -- wisened. It might take a few more lifetimes for me to understand the world, but I guess I can get by with just one.

Curiously enough, I have a questionable moral compass. But nobody notices >:}

Let me start by saying, I have tons of other blogs already.

The first, notfrancis.blogspot.com, closed down because of some *ehem* emotional rollercoaster ride which I was too much of an idiot to handle (well, that was then). Lasted for about several months.

The second, stainedglasswindows.blogspot.com, which I built because I wanted to start fresh, has now come into neglect. Probably because I discovered a cool blog place (for my third), and it has become just a 'back-up' blog. It's also where I placed my emotional exploits for an office crushie :*)

The third (oh yes), is in melodramatic.com/anche which was the most funnest (oh yes) of them all. Problem? The place is fuckin slow. Slow but delicious at least. It's the most interactive of them, and perhaps the place where I felt most alive. Ofcourse I'd even be more livelier (oh yes, notice my redundant use of words) if I had more pinoy guests, but nonetheless, I made friends with cool non-Asian friends (oh yes ... uh ... Eve). At least virtual-wise.

Ahem. Now there are two other blogs (again?) but those are dedicated to my fiction and stories I like to cook up and hopefully turn into manga, namely darkgiantplanet.blogspot.com and nine-am.blogspot.com. Again, these two pieces of me has fallen into neglect.

And now you ask, what the hell is this? This is my attempt at my final blog (ain't we obsessive-compulsive here?). Here I want to try something new and old at the same time. New because well, it IS a new blog, and old because the name of this blog is also the name of my first personal website (look that up if you want to, quite easy to google it).

There you have it.

As for the things you will expect here ... well, I am not yet the writer. My grammar and punctuation still has things to be desired, but I feel confident I could write well. Uhm, yeah I think so, since my writer friend (hello Marge, sorry I didn't come to your gig) told me I, indeed, could write well. Mayhaps well enough to pass some standards.

On with the blog.