Mmm. Once I get this blog redesigned, I'll make it more cheery.

The background tile (it's the characters for 'Fa Mulan' for those of you don't know) is from my old website. But the after-effect of the content never changed. It's still a drag of all the mental baggages I have that I couldn't otherwise release. Because hey, in real life, I'm all good yo.

Now that I've known tons of CSS, I'd like to practice web designing. And okay, enough of the self-inflicted pain. After I get a new place, I've got great plans, good plans. I can take care of myself better, and that should affect how I think.

I know I'm going to pay a high price for the liberties I'll get, so we'll see if it's all worth it. I'm thinking it is though. See, optimism right there. Something missing for a long time.

Incidentally, from up this office window, I can see where I'm gonna live ...

Taken from wikipedia:

~~~

Common characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder include:

* Persistent lying or stealing (me: not so much)
* Recurring difficulties with the law (me: uhuh)
* Tendency to violate the rights and boundaries of others (property, physical, sexual, emotional, legal) (me: yeah, I'm charming that way)
* Substance abuse (me: well, I abuse drinking water or any liquid if it's right in front of me)
* Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights (me: I've outgrown this one)
* A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria) (me: ahh, now we're talking. Case in point, this BLOG)
* Inability to tolerate boredom (me: yeah!!!!)
* Disregard for the safety of self or others (me: oh yeah!!!!)
* A childhood diagnosis of conduct disorders - this is not a symptom but "a history of" (me: I've all sorts of disorders. If you knew what I was thinking you'd run for your life)
* Lack of remorse, related to hurting others (me: check!)
* Superficial charm (me: I'm as charming as a nut sac, so it's a no here)
* Impulsiveness (me: yes, yes, very)
* A sense of extreme entitlement (me: I don't get)
* Inability to make or keep friends (me: inability to keep friends, yeah. I make friends only if I can use them. Sorry guys)
* Recklessness, impulsivity (me: check and check)
* People with a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder often experience difficulties with authority figures. (me: that's why I don't come back home)

~~~

I'm a real piece of work. Fortunately, that's only describing my antisocial side. The reverse coin sounds boring, so I decided to put the darker one here XD

Yeah, that's a line from a classical song *guess* *guess*

So there I was, in a swirling void of self-destruction (as usual). Geez, at this age, I should be doing something else. Mmm. Must be my elven blood.

You know, sometimes I just think I'm a pointless dot in existence. In the grand perspective that may be true. Then again, us mortals only have this perspective: the things we see with our eyes. Okay, don't think of any more Little Prince quotes.

It's just you know.

There are reasons bigger than me. And I want to always remember that. There have been nobler things that driven men. Likewise, there are greater horrors other men have encountered. Compared to my troubles, they're hermit crabs scuttling against a century-occurring tsunami.

And having that perspective, melts away all the swirling chaos in my head.

All of you love your family right? Okay, more or less, but the general idea is there.

But me, let's say I've become desensitized. Ever since I've graduated college, I've been giving financial aid to my family non-stop for eight years.

That's right, eight years of hard work.

The extent of help I give don't just get limited to my direct family you see. It also goes to my cousins and their families. Done whatever I could. Even so far as looking up opportunities for them so they can make something of their lives.

Before I knew it ... eight years, and I still have nothing.

When I got myself a new job, I just simply stopped.

For the life of me, where the bloody hell are they picking up problems? That can't possibly be a natural occurrence. Nobody's perfect I know, but if you live your life inviting every sort of misfortune then I guess there's no hope for you.

It's not my job to save the world.

Last night, I dreamt I was about to drop from a waterfall.

I wasn't scared shitless at all. I think I was saving something, or someone. Couldn't recall though. And then two people, whom I think I know, were worried that they came for me near the banks.

I was holding on to a rocky edge firmly and could get out any time.

But you know what I did?

Instead of getting away from the edge, I let myself go further ... and hang the lower part of my body to the falling water.

It's like I had a death wish or trying to challenge fate.

In the end, I guess I was just having fun with my fears. I'm sick that way.

~~~

Met with some friends last night. Ah, it was nice except I couldn't really relate to much of the jokes and stuff. That's what you get when you don't hang around much in the first place. There were a few awkward moments I think, since Ellen was there. Nice to see her though, even with the added weight. Gah, I need to fatten up. But I must do so in a healthy way.

What is a bit concerning is the allergy. That's the second time it happened, the first a couple of weeks ago. I think I've become allergic to beer.

Good? Bad? Who knows?

Quentin out

You all know DMB's song Crash into Me right?

Yeah, the other thing it does to me is cause dream-induced trances. The music video also adds to the effect like some hallucinogenic drug. The perpetually running day-dream area of my head conjures up water-color/scratched, jumping images of past memories.

It's that powerful.

And if reality doesn't knock every so often, I'd go lotus-eater style and stay in a narcotic state. Which means you'll be seeing me with a blank stare, and practically useless.

Not very nice.

I'm the king of the castle, you're the dirty rascal ...

I'm an asian that
Don't feel like that all
I've loved this land
But this land breathes me out
A toxic fume, that's what I am
But I take in all of this
Polluted gaze and outcast glares
Oh I'm sorry I'm not normal
Wish I could spit out
All the songs of
Every rock metal band
My own disappointment
Isn't giving me enough
Tranquilizing effect
Was I angry at the world?
Maybe, maybe not
One thing's for sure

I
want
out
.

<-- cool shirt given to me last Friday.

I remembered watching this movie in with an outer space setting. I couldn't remember what it is about now, but I do remember the ending.

After all of the crew died, a robot is left tending to the artificial ecosystem (plants and stuff), watering them as the view fades into the darkness of outerspace.

I find that disturbingly tragic.

I mean, even though this robot is not capable of viewing human oblivion, the fact that it will do a thankless task for all eternity is troubling.

Dunno. I just hate it. I was a kid then, but up until now, if ever I'm like stranded in a deserted island, I better gear up for it.

You guys do know when a human is out of contact with the rest of humanity dontcha? Yes, insanity. Much like that Tom Hanks movie. And I'm pretty sure my speech skills will gradually degenerate.

And since I'm easily bored, I'll be running around the island like a maniac.

Unless it's an island filled with ganja. Mmm ...

~~~

I don't know if there's anything I can do with my volatile memory.

I claim it is very short except for remembering very important details. I mean yeah, it's good to forget bad memories, except that it's taking good ones with it.

Which sucks donkey ass.

So I couldn't remember much of highschool or college. I could recall some out of strange conditions. But generally, if I try to reminisce, all I could see is void and darkness.

I only started drinking after graduation. So that crosses out drunken stupor as a cause.

Perhaps because of teenage angst? You know when you hate your life, you try to forget it. But I couldn't remember if I hated anything back then.

Ah forget it *lol* maybe the effort of trying to remember won't be much of use to me anyway.

I've been doing some mental exercises (okay, first off that sounded weird).

And I've realized I've been relying on a bad habit. You know my imagination? It's pretty active, but one thing that I also use it for is a narcotic. I imagine things that make me feel good.

Not that it's bad in itself.

It's just that it's not really healthy. I stay in this dreamland and waste time. Hence, my hermit and procrastinating nature.

I treat it like a television set. If my mind is idle, I turn it on subconsciously. And I think I've been doing that since I was a kid. So I guess stopping this now would have withdrawal symptoms.

But let's see. Experiments ongoing.

Uh, this blog hasn't had a happy thought since forever.

Gone are the days I'd put effort in putting up a picture or two. I've lost sight of what I'm doing this all for.

Well, maybe for now. I mean, you can't stay in one mood for too long.

Hmm. The sun has been for gone for quite awhile. Normally, I'd celebrate weather like this. I love the rain. I love watching storm clouds crawling in the sky. It's like, they know where they're going, and they're really good at it.

But today, I wish there's some sun.

Anything bright and shiny and feel some rays. That and an incoming cool breeze. Who am I kidding? I'm all just writing this because I'm sick in the head and I have a keyboard conveniently under my palms.

~~~

I'm at a stage where there's a permanent cloud in my brain.

Can't think straight. Ever. That's why I strive hard to be completely logical. After all, being emotional never solved anything. Except maybe a punched wall. That felt good.

I think my body is confused. It's like I'm still in my adolescence yet at the same time my mind is right on the mark. Some things don't occur to me. And I couldn't conjure out words that aptly describe my situations.

It's pretty tiresome really. Man, even I don't read past entries.

Then again, tomorrow might be good for something. All I can do is do my best for today.

Symptoms

- general disinterest
- sleeps early
- goes to work early
- cold hands
- numb feet
- absent mindedness in an increased level
- feigning attention to matters
- awkwardness
- moody
- new hobby to keep mind busy

Hmm. I hate this. I've seen this too many times before. And this time, it's in my backyard.

So it went down.

The beautiful light in the sky is now nothing more than embers and little tektites scattered throughout the land.

But, some of my strength personas assured me that I did a good job facing up to it. Took it like I should've taken it.

So ladies and gents, my fate is sealed. I'll have to travel the road on my own from now on.

Who knows? Destiny is a fickle story teller. It knows no dictator. What you think will happen won't happen. It's exciting that way, and at the same time, utterly horrifying.

Because sometimes, sometimes you just want things to go your way. Mayhaps it's time I accept the patterns I have with my life and stop fighting it the way you want it. Mayhaps Mary had it good when you want things to 'let it be'.

I wish Alice was here. And at the same time, I don't want her here XD

Who knows what bitchin she'll be doing when she hears my story. Or perhaps ignore me altogether. Ah, sucks.

I curl up and let the darkness sink in ...

... and still shout to the moon and say, YES!

Let this little thing become
The light of a thousand suns

Let this worrisome life
Become a rose-colored novel

Find new things, good things
And see the world in its grandiosity

I want to wake up where you are
Hear the sound of morning ocean waves

Because in the end, I'm still good
In the end all is okay and fine

~~~

Sorry, mood change :D

No brain, no blood, no oxygen

No sympathies, no pity
No worries, no white washed fences

No warmth, no tears
No mornings with words of phrases

No fear, no despair
No anxieties of every little sort

No doubt, no trouble
No tumult in this wordless work

Peace, I seek
Yet I seek it not you see

No hate, no darkness
Nothing to touch and feel and weep

This road, so far
I will fall, and stumble, and trip

Believe it or not, I am soooo capricious with my decisions.

These are really major ones that'll affect what future I'll have. I would normally choose one and do away with it, live with any repercussions that will come along the way. The thing is, the fork on the road is still way, way up ahead.

And seeing that I'll be coming to it is killing me.

Then again, all I have to do is summon up a mood to deal with it. Any suave, cool attitude makes a difference. My mood can change like a storm though.

Much like the one coming today ...

The biggest punishment for a care free person is perhaps, give him something to care about.

I don't know what's up with me these days. At the office we had a little meeting late afternoon, and topic changed from things about work, to things about ourselves.

If it was me years ago, I would've stayed quiet and uttered a phrase or two to make me look good. But thanks to having a lunch companion, I've learned to fearlessly talk about myself and how I see the world. I may not be charismatic, but I do know how to tell a story.

This ... this is something I've never done at work. To me work is impersonal, it's something to shine in, something that will serve your ends no matter what they may be.

So in a way, I think I'm in a better place.

Then there's the matter of these pair of eyes that I've been liking to take a look at lately. But as instinct, I try to shut out those thoughts.

They might grow into something horrible.

And here I am at the office.

I'm not bored. At least I won't be if I stay home. Geekily speaking, I have stuff I can do today non-work related.

Yessiree, you heard me.

End post. I has werk to du.