I used to detest going through my Friendster.

Not much people in there, only about 101 right now. The reason I hated going there is because of the bad memories I've incurred throughout most of my adult life. Apart from the fact that all of the women I've dated are in there for the last five years or so. I'm a bit ashamed that I was tempted to erase them from my friends list -- I decided not to come there just so I could chase away the demons on my terms. When I think about it now, I can't believe I'm such a bloody idiot to be doing so.

Right now ... for the most part, I can say that I'm happy for them. Maybe it's the Christmas spirit or what not. Or the desire that I don't want to bear that burden anymore. It just leaves me tired in the end anyway.

I still don't make friends as often as I used to. Just keeping all the old ones and perhaps add a few who stays with me throughout my travels. Rare it is that I reach out, but I do so every once in a while. There *are* people out there that I'd find interesting. Why not find them?

Come to think of it, I never was the amicable one. Yet I hated discriminating any soul. Ironic still, it's the ones whom I hold dear the most are the ones I am the meanest with. Because in the end, I'd still look after them when I'm not in my own spiral of self-destruction, or worry when they get sick or something. I try not to though, but I hated it that I'm born sensitive and empathic. A fact that I hide too well by looking callous and uncaring. That's a ton of twisted reasons there.

Sigh. Time to go home. All I can do for Christmas is to say little prayers about all the good blessings I have. I can't be my old self anymore it seems. Phooey.


Plan to do some sketching this December!