Chanced upon my first blog. Judging from the color of the site, one can say I'm a moody and brooding kind of person. Which I am, and I don't deny it.

Supposed to put the link here but decided not to. It's a past I want to forget.

Blech. I'm waiting for my Glee Season to pick up. It's the time when I'm always bright and optimistic for no reason at all. It usually happens May. Upon September, I sober down and enter the Dreary Season.

What the fuck am I talking about. I'm crazy.

How you think
Is more important than
What you think of me

I mentioned I bought a flash disk (256Mb) and it came with a USB extension so I don't have to go all the way to the back of the PC to connect it. However, as I was staring at the other end, I'm visited by a disturbing thought.

I'd like to stick my tongue into it and see if it'll electrify me.

This goes on whenever I look at it. Weird. Plain weird.

I've been reading Bleach manga which you can download in stoptazmo (along with other greats such as One Piece, HxH, and Gantz).

And it is in the said manga where I have come to appreciate short poems. They're not haiku for sure because there is no metering involved, but some are very cool to me:

Unless I grip the sword
I cannot protect you
While gripping the sword
I cannot embrace you

Bleach is composed of about 60% battle and magical sword-fighting (or more like katana-slicing or samurai-slashing) with the remaining percentage about intrigue, manga-style humor, and all that stuff you see in mangas.

Like the now-licensed Tenjo Tenge, it has parts that philosophize about fighting, and like Tenjo Tenge, I found recurring themes like "to get stronger" or "to protect". Which ofcourse, can get tiring.

However, that usually doesn't get in the way of wisdom (drag picture to status bar to see full size):

All those days left for thinking and meditating means I did a lot of thinking and meditating and not enough blogging for those matters that i thought and meditated on. Such a waste.

- I was about to type another entry like a "My Life So Far" sort of thing, the last was in January. Although it has only been three months, a few significant events happened that has affected me profoundly. Unfortunately, none of which are good news.
- I found myself finding it harder to sing (ok guys, this is my moment of self-indulgement, walang kontra bulate !). Not that I can't but I feel that my heart is too heavy to carry out a succession of notes. Which leads to the fact that I am unhealthy as the veins and arteries around my heart shoots out pain every once in a while. I changed my diet to include more Vitamin Cs and fresh thingies while cutting down on meat or processed foods (and it helped! almost no pain after a week). But deep down, I haven't healed emotionally. Yech, emotions.
- in which case, I need to go out some more. Truth be told however, I don't feel at all excited to go to Tagaytay this weekend (sorry guys!) my best friends are my guitar and a bottle of tequila.
- Mom is trying out her new cellphone. And for some reason, I find it hard to see her using it.
- which leads me to another idea. I'm thinking of letting her have something to do in her spare time. Grow flowering plants and sell them, stuff like that. I'd imagine how bored she is right now in her new home. Although I am sure there's nothing there that she's not doing already when she was still in our old house (like sleep all day). At least back there, there's enough space to grow plants.
- I talked to an officemate during lunch today at Kitaro's in Podium. Told how I don't want my brother to be around where I'm working. Sort of like, I've built this circle apart from my family for seven years and I'm not beginning to let anyone from my other circles invade it.
- I've composed a couple of poems in my mind and haven't been able to post them in Friendster. These two at least, won't talk about anything concerning love or all that shit. One is spiritual, and the other existential. Sort of. When I am in front of the message box, somehow all the words erode away and I'm left with a bodiless piece of poetry in my head. Which ofcourse, I won't post.
- somehow, I've been imprinting my personality with my element (Earth). Gotta get that thing out of my head. What I mean you say? It's like this, I'm a person resistant to change, favors stability, and I wouldn't move if I don't have to (even if I did, I'd give it some forethought). I have brooding personality, and don't get angry often. But all those negativity build up and burst, forever leaving some sort of scar.
- now I'm tired. End post.

For now, I felt I have a purpose. Well, maybe it's nothing really big to many, but I was able to deliver an ex-teammate from oblivion (work related).

Sigh. Sometimes I can't really be evil.

- my new Flash Drive (258Mb)
- the manga collection I have in my PC that my good friend/teammate generously gave me (too generous, I suppose)
- my laptop :)

It's kind of weird that I'm excited that I can use my vacuum cleaner tomorrow. I've asked my officemates if its power consumption (600W) would put a dent on our electric bills, because I try to be frugal as much as possible.

Now since I don't cook much at our condo, I wonder too if I have anything to eat for the Holy Week, since it is more than possible that I'll be alone. I decided not to go home and get to feel what it's like to be solitary for more than a couple of days.

I'd be doing some meditating ofcourse, examine my belief system ... you know? The likes. Re-strengthen my reserves of will power. And clean, clean, clean the condo.

I think I'll name my vacuum cleaner, "Muy Mosquito", because she's a real sucker. He he he, get it? Sucker?

Ok, I'll stop now.

Well, I must be really down to something because I bought the following to lift my mood:

- hand-held vacuum cleaner
- scented candle (better option to drive away or kill mosquitoes)
- 2 undershirts
- metallic mug (always better than ceramic)

And right now, I am thinking of buying 2 new barongs and 2 new pairs of office shoes (perhaps one that can also have a casual role)

Hmm, there MUST be something therapeutic about shopping ... but I couldn't point a finger to it. Ofcourse this is just very few compared to what women do in one zip through the mall. Add to the fact that I do this once every two or so years.

Forgot doing this. Very important.

- stable job
- sane mind *tee hee*
- ...
- ...
- uhhhh

Ok, now I'm getting depressed all over again >:D

Currently, I am instinctively trying to distance myself farther and farther away from my family. The reason? I wanted to be completely free of worries from the very same people whom I've been offering my duties and obligations for the past seven years ever since I got myself a job.

It's like, my family is becoming less and less the group of people I want to be with and becoming more and more the reason why I couldn't direct my own life. Every bad news I hear from them eats me and depresses me. It's like, was I the only person who actually made a difference for myself? Was I the only one capable of thinking things through before acting on something?

But that's just filling in the cake (the icing is something else, nuts and berries too).

I've been reassessing my outlook on life. And might I say, I have grown more cynical than I thought while converting myself into the ultimate realist. I have somehow lost my childlike optimism along the way, or more specifically, lost it the past year. Up til now, and no matter how I deny it or sugar-coat it, I still feel like shit because of what Jaz did to me. If I haven't made that bulletin post, I wouldn't even know everything. It simply was my revenge for not knowing anything. Well, how could I? She can't even really talk to me up til now.

Though I don't hate her, it just makes me sad (fuck, can I use some other word less trite?).

A pexer was right on the money, when he said that I couldn't get over her. I have all intentions of getting over it, but so far my efforts are taking too long. Or, I'm a fan of the "time heals all wounds" cliche. It's weird that I have to feel this way to someone I haven't even given my heart yet. Or maybe I did, unknowingly, and cared less as to what happens to it. Careless, yeah, I used that word on her and I perhaps was one myself as well. Right now, I don't even have the energy to rationalize everything. I even ceased the practice of pyschoanalyzing this and that so that I could at least see things in a better perspective.

On the other hand, all of this negativity, I am converting to energy on learning the guitars. My fingers almost bleed every night for practicing hard on musical pieces and songs I've collected under my bed. And if it wasn't enough, I am looking for a physical activity as well to shake it all off. To shake EVERYTHING OFF of my mind.

I am currently living on some layer of hell that's for sure. Where you know something is wrong yet couldn't touch it, sort of a wound that grew under your skin while your eyes are being tortured from staring at randomly blinking fluorescent lights.

Beauty + Brains



+ Relationship Instability :)

She has all the facial features I look for in a woman (with my own way of using figurative adjectives/adverbs): eyes that exude power, lips proud, cheeks suggesting a wisened demeanor, and jawline defined harshly yet a nose defined gently.

Wouldn't mind hifi loosing the kleenex section, if we get beauties like these.

Maybe I've forgotten the name and the address
Of everyone I've ever known
It's nothing I regret
Save it for another day
It's the school exam and the kids have run away

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart ...


... I wouldn't even trust you
I've not got much to give
We're dealing in the limits
And we don't know who with
You may think that I'm out of hand
That I'm naive, I'll understand
On this occasion, it's not true
Look at me, I'm not you ...

Just this morning I read about an article on Imelda Marcos as to how she describes her husband, Ferdinand, whom she said as having a brilliant mind that could memorize the mass whenever they attended one back when they weren't in politics yet. I was like whoa, I could've done something similar if I haven't let my mind rot on games and such. Imagine what I could gain from developing such skill, considering that I have other talents myself that I haven't honed to a razor's edge.

Then again, Ferdinand is now six feet under, while I'm here, enjoying my PC games -_-

Tonight is very clear
Because we're just lying here
There's so many things I want to say ...

Question is, where are you?

I am a person with a passion for playing games. Starting from Atari to Nintendo Game&Watch, into the high-end PC games of today, nothing interests me more than sitting down in front of a screen and play til I feel my sugar level dropping real low.

And to that note, back in college I programmed my first games in Assembly and C language:

- Eclipsis (1996), a mouse driven game and was my first attempt in making eye-catching graphics
- Space Den, partly a class project (which I got the highest grade in), and partly a review of my algorithmic and artistic capabilities, it is like a high tech Battle City, only it uses a ship that bounces off of walls if it hits them

Sadly, my idiotic, trying-to-know-it-all cousin formatted my hard drive without my consent, plunging my most valued works into oblivion.

Today, I plan on re-undertaking the task of learning game programming again, this time in Java. If I could put up a decent game, I'll look for people (or a collective, heh heh) who can sponsor and support me in releasing it to the public.

And thus, I introduce a semi-original concept: a history-driven real time strategy game (HD-RTS) in the world of Dark Giant Planet (see the left panel for the link :)).

Ok, enough of my delusions for today :)

Looks like my folks has gone from bad to worse. My own dear beloved fucking father raised his hand on his own son -- my brother. He must be going mad. I'm pretty certain that right now, I am inches from restraint not to kick his ass out of his own house. Mom went back to Dasma, and is sick right now, with my brother attending to her.

My brother is still a fucking cry baby. Called my phone the other night sobbing like a sissy. After I beat the living daylights out of my dear beloved fucking dad, I'll beat the living daylights out of him.

Fight you moron.

It's been long since I heard a song from 3 Doors Down. And I dig this one to bits

--

Here Without You
- 3 Doors Down

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that i saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And i don't think i can look at this the same
But all these miles that seperate
Disappear now when i'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life was overrated
But i hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything i know,and anywhere i go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And i dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Yesterday, I went to this dance show with a buddy (so he could see the love of his life on stage). It was a refreshing change of things to see. I've always wanted to be some part of a dance troupe but I never did have the chance. Back at high school, they all thought of me as that 'geek' who couldn't possibly have any decent bodily motor skills, much less move to a rhythm.

-- they were right :)

At least I could hip dance *hoo hah!*

Rummaged this off from hifi. Thought I'd preserve it here.

--

01:34 am on my bed, wednesday
- Q.Montejo

when everything feels cool and
everything's quiet (dark it was too, lights turned off)
unbidden thoughts come hither and sit with me
i didn't ask nor did i expect it to come
it just came and uninvited it was
"i am thinking of you
yes you"

with the glow of my old laptop's screen
i fired up an mp3 player and pressed >>
my fingers danced a little as i fancied writing
a fictional story based on what was happening to me
i can almost here the soundtrack that'll go with it
"i am thinking of you
psst, yes you"

lights spilled from my lightly opened door died
my roommates are calling it a night and i
am here. here with foolish annoying little ...
prickly thoughts of missing you
clicked on "shut down" in my little electronic black box ...
"think of me when i sleep
pretty brown-lensed eyes"

if it's a burden missing you when awake
maybe it wouldn't be so when i'll die for 6 hours
stretched my back
streched my arms and curled my toes
and let dreams follow me in my sleep
wherever i maybe in the dark
little corner of my universe

nyt : )
"nyt : *"

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart
When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here
When no one understands
I'll believe
- Rivermaya

The following paragraphs are insane ramblings. Beware.

Lately I have been torching people here and there (the forums) and see what their skin smell like afterwards. Perhaps it is my demented way of knowing who can stand up strong after a nice, cruel bashing. Some succumbed and never showed their nicks again, some who still have some spirit left, went on to haunt other places or simply lurk. The rest, too thick to burn >:D

As it is, I am a student of pyschological warfare :) That's what I do when I am under my avatar as Quentin the Devil. Causing strife and razing other people's foolishness are my past times >:) It was the only way I could release a part of me that wants to destroy (we all do). But in a karmic sort of way I am unfortunate that I was born with the quality of empathy. What I inflict, gets iron maidened back to me. Ouch.

Just when I claimed that I'm over my QLC a year ago, I have come to another phase where I just couldn't think of anything interesting to do in my spare time, most especially during weekends. I enrolled in a guitar school just yesterday, but I scheduled it for friday nights.

So that means I still have the whole two days of my weekends to do absolutely nothing. Maybe I should move out of my old condo and rent-to-own a new one. That way I'll have a lot of things to concern me that I can take my mind off from feeling useless.

OR, I could remain where I am, take dozens of courses I've dreamt of taking (comic book writing, story writing, studying for a certification, you know? the likes) and see what comes out of it. Or, horror of horrors, I could start dating again -_-

A cause is what I needeth.