Currently, I am instinctively trying to distance myself farther and farther away from my family. The reason? I wanted to be completely free of worries from the very same people whom I've been offering my duties and obligations for the past seven years ever since I got myself a job.

It's like, my family is becoming less and less the group of people I want to be with and becoming more and more the reason why I couldn't direct my own life. Every bad news I hear from them eats me and depresses me. It's like, was I the only person who actually made a difference for myself? Was I the only one capable of thinking things through before acting on something?

But that's just filling in the cake (the icing is something else, nuts and berries too).

I've been reassessing my outlook on life. And might I say, I have grown more cynical than I thought while converting myself into the ultimate realist. I have somehow lost my childlike optimism along the way, or more specifically, lost it the past year. Up til now, and no matter how I deny it or sugar-coat it, I still feel like shit because of what Jaz did to me. If I haven't made that bulletin post, I wouldn't even know everything. It simply was my revenge for not knowing anything. Well, how could I? She can't even really talk to me up til now.

Though I don't hate her, it just makes me sad (fuck, can I use some other word less trite?).

A pexer was right on the money, when he said that I couldn't get over her. I have all intentions of getting over it, but so far my efforts are taking too long. Or, I'm a fan of the "time heals all wounds" cliche. It's weird that I have to feel this way to someone I haven't even given my heart yet. Or maybe I did, unknowingly, and cared less as to what happens to it. Careless, yeah, I used that word on her and I perhaps was one myself as well. Right now, I don't even have the energy to rationalize everything. I even ceased the practice of pyschoanalyzing this and that so that I could at least see things in a better perspective.

On the other hand, all of this negativity, I am converting to energy on learning the guitars. My fingers almost bleed every night for practicing hard on musical pieces and songs I've collected under my bed. And if it wasn't enough, I am looking for a physical activity as well to shake it all off. To shake EVERYTHING OFF of my mind.

I am currently living on some layer of hell that's for sure. Where you know something is wrong yet couldn't touch it, sort of a wound that grew under your skin while your eyes are being tortured from staring at randomly blinking fluorescent lights.