Well, ok, this is me. All people of my generation have this characteristic tone in our photographs, sort of like viewed through a faded sepia filter, if that makes sense.

Got this idea of a post from kinks :D

I don't know if this is from my fellow poet (he is more in the department of anarchy, while I, in passivity)

--


I am caught in endless strife,
Endless ferment, endless dream;
I cannot conform to Life,
Will not travel with the stream.

full of passion and desiring
life in fervor, blissful living,
flight of moments with wishful thinking
of foolish lost and pain in parting

with all those things i strive to win
all the blessings this life impart
grasp all knowledge deep within
joys and sorrows, soul and heart

I am caught in endless cycles
endless torment, endless bliss
can i tell you how much you mean to me?
Only to sacrifice the heart at peace

Now as it rolls from day to day
from the nothing to the all
from the twilight to the starlight
endless rise and endless fall

take the chance to risk it all
earn your winnings, live your lost
gone in silence dismal sway
never submit but never tall.

- bliss in cycles
07-22-2003

Today I came to the office early, around 8:16 am. Since I have not brought the book I was reading last night with me (The Crucible, a Forgotten Realms line about Cyric the Mad, if any of you geeks know who he is), I happen to open my office e-mail account which I have left unkempt for more than a year.

Up the inbox, dated July 7, 2002, was an e-mail from Joanna.

Who is she?

Straight to the point, she's one of those few who left me star struck, not just because she was a woman of incalculable talent and strength of mind, but because this woman of incalculable talent and strength of mind stooped down and told me she doesn't want to forget my face.

I could still remember that day before she left abroad. It was only a brief moment that we had her in our project. But in that small amount of time, we had ... at least I could surmise ... that we had a mutual admiration.

What makes it all the more special is that, it is very rare that I place my admiration on anyone.

How I wish there's more like her out there. But such is the impossibility of a request. Which makes it sad and exciting at the same time.

There could be one or two. Maybe.

You get one of those dates, yeah, the ones in whom you'll meet a person that is not spectacular at first, but when you invest (albeit unknowingly) a piece of your heart to this person, you'll feel something missing if it is not there ...

Sigh. To You. What is on your mind?

I wonder, what I would be like if I have taken up smoking? Maybe I'd suffer less the effects of stress. It could very well complemented my get up. Sometimes I hold straws like cigarettes (looks pathetic, but yeah, really) just so I could imagine the feel of it.

Not that I never puffed a stick ever, did so back in college for a play o_O

I was simply a nerd who follows what doctors say and reason out, "Meh, I don't want to suffer later". I was never peer pressured, most especially because my peers are all practically good boys. Yeah, we booze and down alcohol and all that.

I asked a friend who smokes and he kind of went like, "It really came down to my choice". Guess he's right. That's where it all boils down to. Unless it's the only rationalization you can come up with.

Me? I guess I'll be dying of a heart disease and not lung cancer.

I'd be in the city, where cars zoom relentlessly, and where you have to grow nerves of steel to deal with the morning routines. I'd get to happily tickle the dogs, a pitbull or a short legged breed, when I get home from office. Occassionally walking all over the house with my socks still on.

Plants are the theme of my home, though not so many if I don't want to suffer brain damage when they reverse photosynthesis at night :) There'll be books about on the shelf, more than half I have never read but nice to look at because I chose them for their cover or the intriguing title they have. I'd go oohs and aahs at the food my wife is cooking, and eat them regardless if they taste good or not. I'll go for seconds even!

And when it is time for a boys night out, I'll be the noisiest one inside the car insulting everybody else to the core until they plan to maul me and throw me off a bridge (maybe not). I'll have a hobby or two and show everybody what I have done, including my neighbors whom I always annoy.

Yeah, it'll be a fast life. Exciting and shit-inducing all the time.

Yet, in the calm moment of the day, I'd go about wondering.

Whatever life I'll be given, I'll enjoy. I'd be one of those who are fighting to live instead of those getting tired with their lives.

I'd like to live a simple life. Somewhere rural, where chickens roam the dirt road and smell of fresh cut grass is the scent in the air. I'd spy pygmy quails in the bushes and marvel at a termite nest that has grown real big.

Maybe there'll be a vegetable patch on my backyard, each leaf vein I've memorized with each leaf, and each leaf with each plant. As if each cabbage head is a person with a personality all talking to each other about how they want to be stewed this evening's dinner.

Perhaps there will be nights when the sky is so clear that you can feel the light of the stars cut your eyes, chill but calm winds creating an eerie moment that for an instant, you thought you're partially one with the awesomeness of all creation -- and feel so feeble and infinitesimal at the same time.

And when my mind has had enough of the world, I'd go inside and feel the warmth of my house to see if my wife and kids are asleep, kiss them goodnight, and join them in their dreams ...

While browsing through tech stuff (blech, I'm beginning to hate being techie), I came across this line:

No complexity beyond what is necessary
- 14th century monk philosopher, Occam

It's the first time I've heard of Occam, kinda reminds me of Thoreau's line "Simplify, simplify" (quoted by Calvin's parents in Calvin & Hobbes). What struck me on this one is how it describes the way I lead my life. Neo-minimalism rocks!

Hell, I'd vote for going back to the Stone Age. With internet ofcourse.

It may unapparent to all but I actually exhibit some sort of paranoid behaviour. How? Everyday, outside my home, I look at people as every inch capable of sticking a knife to my gut. The thing that comes into my mind is how to overpower this guy or escape from the group of people or how to fight back. I automatically psyche myself such that I try to predict people's moves and how to act on it.

So what else does that make me? In a way, it gives me that calm unexpressive exterior (at least, when not with my friends).

Also, I rarely lead on when walking in a group. I'm always at the back.

Yeah, yeah, I'm weirdness.

Thanks to all who greeted me ^_^ I am loved and humbled.

My ex mailed me as well about my birthday, and that's the reason why I am making this post. It's an ambivalent feeling, being greeted by an ex. I have never seen her since the day we broke up in front of the Manila Cathedral. It was a dramatic scene, me calling out her name while she walked away -- leaves were falling down from the trees -- it was dusk and faint music can be heard from the cathedral.

Maybe I should write a poem about it sometime ^_^

But anyway, we still keep in touch in some way. It's kind of puzzling to understand why people should at most, not keep up with an ex. I mean, it's the walking, talking legacy of a love that has failed is it not? No matter what form of sugar-coating people will say that it was never meant to be or whatever, it just gives you that itsy-bitsy uneasy feeling at the pits of your stomach.

Still, her intentions were sincere. I know, because she's someone I used to love.

Alrighty people, I, yours truly, has turned 28 this January the First. So what have I accomplished the past year? What has changed? What will I be doing next?

Well, let's see. With my poor memory recall, I'd say I could take on a few significant events. Perhaps I'll just let my brain let out a whole stream of thought. At the start of the year, I planned on putting my hands on some business ventures. Unfortunately, that can never follow through. One, I have no prior experience with it, and second, nor do I have the mind set (and maybe patience) for it. Not that I'd completely ditch the whole idea, since it's always nice to have additional source of income. Though, I'd rather use my time for leisure for that.

A signficant, but gradual event was that I am the only one left in the project for our client. The original team I was in was a wacky bunch, and their leaving off for the things they decided for themselves kind of remind me how I _don't_ want to change. My passivity with my career is the result of my years long quarter-life crisis. Come July, I am the only veteran left in the project. New teammates came in, and a new cool team leader.

My new teammates however, though not so like as the last, is actually a happier crowd. With the introduction of friends who play Starcraft, I found myself enjoying work again. Since I don't have a gang of my own, this little 'team building during off hours' turned into occassional sessions to beer joints (working on strip joints, lol). Which is nice, since, you know, I'd get to hang out once in a while.

A significant thing that happened this year, ofcourse, was my promotion. I have no use really for names that sound big (like senior, supervisor, manager, etc.), but anything involving the giving of more money to me is always a joyous event :) With that in mind, let me state a rather ironic situation -- I don't use money much. The only things I just spend for are basic necessities -- food, rent, that's it. I do my own laundry, either hand wash for foot wash (imagine this one), and I don't date that much around anymore. And like I mentioned, my gang are geeks -- we're gaming nuts. And well, such hobby is usually free :D

Which leads us to my second accomplishment this year -- I helped buy the family van. The things we can do with this toy are endless. At least I've given something mom and dad could grin me for. In actuality, I wouldn't want to call it 'my' van which my mother insists on doing so. If they knew my intent, it's really just for them like a gift. Besides, I cannot drive it anyhow. Will get my own car someday :)

Ahh friends. Ofcourse, I must mention this part. I've said this over and over again, I have the propensity of being a hermit. When I make friends, it's more on a shallow level of amicability. If you're cool, then you're cool, let's laugh together over coffee sometime. But when it is time for me to move on, I say no goodbyes nor would a thought be occuring for me to even consider saying it. I don't keep in touch and all that boring shit, and like I said, if you're cool, then you'll stay cool even after five, ten years. Dig?

However, there comes a time when you do come across people who, when I was about to leave and move on again, kicks my ass so that I can remember that I still have cool people behind me. Yeah, to those beautiful people, I have to thank that you came around while I was throwing my heart in every directions as bait for dates >:D

Dates! Ah yes. The dating game. I have loved and hurt and loved again. And still want to be hurt again (eh?). I don't know how it all happened, but by gollies, I couldn't imagine how much I've figured it all out. Hah! Watch me mummy, I'm gonna make you proud :D

I do need, to relate a story about the past week however (Chilu, Mesai, and Jaz knows this already ... oh wait, and yeah, the rest of my family). I had a date with a friend who came from the US. We were already having a fun time chatting away while walking around the mall. We played Tekken 4 even (gorsh, she is such a cool, fun date), and her paranoid of a brother had to ruin EVERYTHING for us (well, maybe me at least). He seem to have gotten my light-heartedness all wrong and came storming to the mall thinking I am sort of a 'threat' to her sister (threat? She's 29 for heaven's sakes, is she like someone who always gets in trouble? Just how low does he trust his sister anyway?). And he had the GALL to 'talk' to me? Was he expecting a decent conversation if he starts out with cusses? I mean, see here, her sister, well she is pretty in her own eurasian-gene way, is a decent, kind and sweet person. I was expecting her brother to be at least the same. Who would've thought he's a frankenstein? If I didn't control myself, we could've come to blows. Not that I know I'd win, but I do know how to hit where it hurts. And God knows how much I freak under a pounding adrenalin rush. Since I still had my wits intact, I had to be concerned for his sister whom I felt helpless as she watched us pop our veins while snarling at each other, as I know she loves her brother very much and it hurts her seeing us this way in a situation nobody intended to happen. So I ended the confrontation by 'ignoring' her brother. *sigh*

I've spent the next half hour walking around trying to cool off my fury. And up until the next morning, the scenario is replaying endlessly in my mind still feeding off like a forest fire. Up til now, I have no communication with her. I don't know if I still should, but she's still my friend, first and foremost. I'd give some time perhaps to settle things out on their side before I even attempt to patch things up.

Alright, not to make the year end miserably, though knowing me such things only serve to toughen me up which I welcome anytime, I had a date with someone who's growing on me. We watched Entend Kabisote, though a family movie and has a few shining moments, is a ho-hum for the likes of me. We just went for a bite at Gonuts Donuts and had a discussion about life so far, relationships and stuff, her car accidents, my weight gain, her weight gain, until we trailed off and started talking about all of it again :)

Simply put, it was an immensely enjoyable time together. She still has some stuff to deal with herself though (read: still cynical), but the important thing is, it was a happy day for both of us.

Ok. For the last paragraph. Just a moment ago was my birthday celebration. It's a funny thing here in our family is that, New Year is a more joyous event that Christmas. Why? It's like the reunion date for the clan. This year, we had the regular visitors, my brother's, my nephew's, and my cousins'. I find it nice that we get to spend it this way, even though all throughout I'm treated like a prince and basically useless (uhm, ok, I'm always useless around here :D). It's also one of the few times I see mom laugh so hard she turns red.

Our beloved auntie who came from Australia had a couple of little games for us that, not only fun, it was also uhh, very fun. How? Just involve throwing away money and you get the picture. The best was the one in which she hid 20 peso bills all over the house for people to search for. They were all fits and giggles trying to rearrange the furniture just to have something to bet on Tong-its or Pusoy later. I, who don't have an affinity for money, flushed a bit when my cousin gleefully caught me looking for prizes around the house as well.

Whew. Ok that's that. I'm tired. It's 4:00 am and they are still outside playing Tong-its. I know I have left out other important details, but I couldn't list them all. I couldn't even check what I just wrote.

May this year be a good one for us all !