Sometimes I dread the stillness of the night.

When all is quiet my brain automatically activates a self-defragmenting program in my head and I'm left in a whirlpool of 'assumed to be sealed' notions. What sort of notions you ask?

What's with life?

That's why as much as possible I have something stuck to my ears blaring with music to help chase those thoughts away. But here they come again despite my best preventive measures. Did I say what notions are bothering me?

You're drifting, you're pathless, you're just a body of water looking for a path to flow.

I guess I am. I have nothing. I am going nowhere. I don't hate my life, but it feels like I'm a book dusting on a shelf. Perhaps this is the reward for being lazy yet unable to sleep. A chronic, painless insomnia that bites with a toothless chomp.

But you have no desire to go anywhere. You just hitch a ride and go wherever it takes you.

Is it so bad to have lost my ambitions? Long time ago I am asking myself why nothing is driving me to be better than what I am now. I suspect delving too much into eastern philosophy caused me to become too complacent. Come to think of it, the reason why I would ever want to achieve anything was because of circumstance and not out of an intrinsic desire to get it.

You need something to fuel you. But you cannot find in you. It has to be something outside.

I need to lose something. One that is so precious to me that it will drive me to take it back. But how do I lose something precious if I hold little love for everything?

Then you need to gain something. A precious thing that you don't ever want to lose.

I have not been posessive of anything. I've never persistenly asked anyone to give me anything I want. I try to live with what I already have. So do I have to work with that?

You already want something.

Yeah. Enough of this monologue. I'll just turn the volume of this mp3 player full blast instead.


No moss grows on a rolling stone ...