Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I have a love for you that nothing hides.
Whatever it is I do, I’m always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.
I’ve become amused. I’ve become blind.
I’ve become what I know not breathes.
You seem illiterate to all my emotions.
I stand corrected, how well you read.
You speak the truth, you speak the me.
You fell the love I have yet to find.
I know it’s there, I know it’s there.
But I let the sandcastles kill my mind.
Pathetic me, I long to be you.
They think I’m close but I stand so far.
The turbulent one sheds a turbulent tear.
I’m mr. love only ’cause they starve.
Oil and water, lust and sympathy.
I’ll life and death my way through the sun.
Where originates all the pain that leaves.
My memory a traumatic sponge and sings to you.

Well define my love and attitude.
Open up your mind and it will sing to you.
You can always tell.
But I know remorse so well.
I left reality early due to the lack of love... reason.

Whatever I do, I try to think about you.
I seek the sympathy and I can’t lie.
Whatever it is I do, I’m always thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.

The channel, a professional liar.
How I long to contradict those vibes.
Joni help me, I think I’m falling.
It’s not the love and I quest the why.

--pete rock mix only--
I have yet to conquer my behavior
In my reaction to the helpless vail.
The great addiction to possess what isn’t.
Floating ships that refuse to sail.
As mercy’s love to the featherless pigeon.
Searchin through life through the blurriest vission.
As mercy’s love to the heartless hand.
Its candid rights as if the wrong understand.
--end pete rock--

I don’t know, if I’m right, I’m right.
But if I’m wrong then show me I’m wrong.
The fear of pity is always awake.
But infinite sympathy completely gone.
It’s the windows, the doors, the passageway to the truth.
Oh my god, it echoes the mind.
In total recall as wild as the deuce.
It’s so deceiving is the clouded heart.
So superficial is the open wound.
I caress the infinite light.
That even at night.
Overshadows the moon and sings to you.

Well, define my love, that lives with you.
Even when I die, it will still sing to you.
You can always tell if remorse has done you well...
The misconstrued my answers due to the lack of love... reason.

Last Saturday, I went to a little celebration because a friend arrived from Bacolod (hullo Tsilu!) and had a bit too much eggs at Heaven and Eggs. Geez, do they know the cholesterol those bring? Hehe, at least they don't serve delicious quail eggs. I've tasted better Vigan longganisa though, the ones served there were like diluted of their flavor.

But anyway, my mind didn't come without its usual garbage that night. I was a bit of a bind because I was in the process of making up my mind if I really want to stop being single. As it is, that's when the other Tsilu told me at least two people who thinks I have a beautiful mind.

Now that was no small kind of surprise. Not because it was the first time I heard it, but because it was so long since the people I hold beloved (romantically both of them) told something like that to me. One was a person whom I have denied my friendship, and the other was someone I have denied my promise. It does puzzle me in a way, because I think no differently from the next schmoe. Heck, put me in front of an all man's club and the only thing you'll hear from my mouth are boobs and asses (and some other expletives). It's not that that's the real me, but because it is also part of me.

I sure am not someone who'll be seeing patterns out of a random set of numbers on a blackboard. I don't even think that hard that you'll say I ought to be a loony. Although I do admit I have taste for reading Newsweek and books on Philosophy, Psychology, Biology, Astronomy, History, Religion, Health, Applied Sciences ... but I only skim at the surface. Just looking for something that I could use or satisfy a curiousity.

Now let's go to the second part of this post. I've noticed that people I date think I'm slow. Probably true. If not for the fact that I'm giving my dates a chance to know me instead of acting like a princess and demand. I know the cliches still hold true for most situations. I simply am acting for something that works for me. If I am suddenly taken in a quick haze of "I do's", most probably you'll find me wanting my freedom back again. I don't change my mind as often as most people. That's why I'd like people to know that when I set my mind on something, it's pretty much a one way track.

I would, at times, find myself easily annoyed by several things in people, regardless if it's in the office or in casual get togethers. Most of them are the the categories stupidity, redundancy, incompetence, insecurity, weak-mindedness, or just plain, y'know? dumb.

I know you can't fault people for those things. But when my cruel nature flares up, it's pretty much a struggle to keep my thoughts to myself. And they say I look like a good, kind person.

I've watched Harry Potter: The Goblet of Fire last Saturday. And I may say, I was entertained all throughout. I've never read any of the books, but I do know a thing or two about what this character is like, their demeanors and how they relate to everybody else. I don't mind things like gilly-weed and some other plot devices being strewn here and there.

The dinner before that was fine too. Pasta is always nice. I prefer Sbarro though.

Too lazy the past days. It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just that after I produced a thought in my brain, somehow it dies on the way to my fingers. So I'm going to coin a phrase: failed thoughts.

Failed Thoughts:
- my weight loss
- my unshiny shoes
- my 2nd shift schedule
- the coming of December
- da da blah blah

I think I'll list these kinds of things every now and then.

Never let that virtue out of you. Because it could literally save your ass. Seriously.

- Santana feat. Steven Tyler

Something good to hear for all of you out there whose blogs I'm invading :}

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If we coming or I'm going
It's not how I planed it
I've got the key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
It goes I never went before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons
Round and round it goes
And every day's a one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

Long to hold you in my arms
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting nowhere
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah

I'm gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

It feels weird listening to the same tracks of songs I used to hear when I'm in angst. It's like they taste like diluted coffee or tea. You KNOW you enjoyed listening to them before, and you could still remember how you were connecting the lyrics to each pang of emotion you felt back then.

It's just they seem to be playing at a lower volume now (even though you've changed nothing). I guess this is what a heart ache scab feels like. You know it's over. Yet you know you'll be going for the same cycle again once you decide to gamble once more. It's simply there as a pale painting of Mona Lisa -- faded, cracked, but the bizarre smile is still there.

Picked up the guitar again. I'm memorizing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.

I'll be lost forever or someday I may find
The words that I've been searching for
or just some peace of mind

Burnt off a piece of my brain last night in alcohol. It's good there's no hangover. Lately realized I'm not making wise enough choices for myself. Perhaps the idealist in me is making a comeback, albeit blind.

I've taken into myself that I can never find that woman who's everything I want her to be. So I pick a rose from a garden, any that is good enough, and try to love the bad parts too and give myself a span of time to accept it all. Through time, this will become MY rose, the ONE, so to speak. It's almost like inventing true love as some novel would say.

It's a sound plan right? Right?

No. Know when the thorns bleed you when they should not.

Yeah, that's what I'd like to say. I actually missed going to the office. I missed listening to my mp3s, I missed checking mail anytime of the day, I missed the free surfing privileges (lol), I missed the people who's fun even though they're not doing anything at all (read: zombified as I am looking at the computer monitor), damn.

This is not about just working anymore (or, uh the pretense of it). This is what defines me now. It's like you know, you'd miss your favorite pair of gloves and wouldn't want to be parted from it for too long.

Well, anyway. Felt another vein break :/ ugh. My mojo dipped real low the recent nights. I wasn't able to erase her face from my mind. But at least now, I am not entranced fully by an obsession so to speak. I have acquired this state of mind where I see myself doing what I am doing. And not just some blind child groping in the dark about the overwhelmingness of it all.

If I was any younger, I could've fared worse.

That's enough self-strangulation for the day. Time to play some more mp3s, and surf some more :}

Who knows, I just might find something today that'll change the rest of my life.